No big dance for Scott Morrison

It’s official. Scott Morrison will be the first prime minister in decades to miss the AFL grand final.

Scott Morrison at an MCG AFL game in 2019. Picture: Michael Klein

It’s official. Scott Morrison will be the first prime minister in decades to miss the AFL grand final. He’s been locked out of Queensland for spending last Friday in NSW — a COVID-19 hotspot on Annastacia Palaszczuk’sbanned list. Instead, Industry Minister Karen Andrews (a Gold Coaster the PM prepared earlier) will be sent in his place to the Gabba. Yes, yes, we can hear you ask — wasn’t the PM on the Queensland election trail with LNP leader Deb “curfews” Frecklington last week? Indeed. But he was allowed into the Sunshine State only after spending 14 days straight in the Canberra Bubble™. We’re told the PM isn’t supporting either Geelong or Richmond to win on Saturday. Fair enough, given he’s secretly a theme song-singing Western Bulldogs backer who said in 2010 that he preferred rugby union to rugby league. Anthony Albanese will also be missing in action from both big dances this weekend. He may as well be living in the town from Footloose! The Opposition Leader told Strewth he’d be in Sydney, cheering with the fans of the felines — the Cats (his deputy Richard Marles’s team) and the Panthers. “But still mourning Souths,” he noted. The PM’s RSVP to Sunday’s NRL grand final at ANZ Stadium in Sydney is still TBC. Either way, the Sharks fan will also be keeping the faith for Penrith.

Punted.

About time

Australia Post spent $119,000 on “reputation management” consultants earlier this year. Well, they certainly have a reputation now! Strewth’s snapper Gary Ramage managed to pap chief postie Christine Holgate fashioning a Bulgari watch (worth up to $48k) at budget estimates, before she stood aside over the Cartier #watchgate. No wonder “Liam” tweeted from the official Australia Post’s account: “Don’t forget about the behind the scenes and customer support workers. My wrist is light.” We’re still waiting for Bill Shorten to re-heat this zinger from 2016: “It doesn’t take a $40,000 Rolex watch to know that the time’s up for Stuart Robert.”

Time’s up?

Cats out of the flag

The Prime Minister’s got a new Aussie flag face mask and fair dinkum slogan: “If you are good at your job, you will get a job, that’s how it works, Mr Speaker!” Speaking of jobs (and seeking and keeping them) … where is the $250m rescue package Morrison promised for the arts industry four months ago? Guy Sebastian wants a please explain. The Australian Idol winner stood alongside the PM to announce the package in June, and now has battle scars after hearing not a single cent has been given to the live entertainment sector. “I have requested an update from the PM’s office about the current and future spend with regards to the arts package,” Sebastian tweeted on Thursday. And that he did, with Morrison personally promising to respond. “I have no ties to anyone in politics on a personal or professional level,” the singer added in his own defence. “My only objective in getting involved was to be a mouthpiece for my peers, to provide perspective & to help get funds into the hands of those who need it. My heart breaks for this industry & what everyone has had to endure. I will continue to do what I can to help get people back on their feet.” We assume angels brought him to this conclusion?

Flagging it.

ScoMo zooms with Guy Sebastian.

Fashion diplomacy

No one was happier with the return of RM Williams to Team Australia than Team ScoMo. The iconic boots are practically part of the uniform handed out to Y chromosome Liberal and National politicians when they’re elected. We spied every male member of Morrison’s frontbench sporting a black or brown pair during question time on Thursday, bar one — Josh Frydenberg. The Treasurer was a sole trader in his recently shined black dress shoes.

Odd one out.

It takes two to mango

“It would literally be a case of mango madness if Aussie export contracts were lost just because COVID-19 has grounded most flights,” Trade Minister Simon Birmingham mused to Nationals deputy David Littleproud. Mangonificent puns aside, we can only imagine how cringe-worthy this week has been for Littleproud as Agriculture Minister. With not one single Nationals senator on the government frontbench (after the resignations of Bridget McKenzie and Matt Canavan) it has been left to the Liberals to rep their junior Coalition partners’ portfolios at budget estimates. Leading to exchanges like this …

Labor senator Glenn Sterle: “I put a question to you ,Minister, if you could tell us what the government is doing to improve milk production?”

Social Services Minister Anne Rushton: “I think I would prefer to take it on notice, if you don’t mind.”

For five eyes only

Hidden among the diplomatic musical chairs announced by the Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade on Thursday was Erika Thompson — the staffer who introduced Alexander Downer to former Trump adviser George Papadopoulos. As the story goes … in 2016, Thompson’s boyfriend Christian Cantor was in the political branch at the Israeli embassy and a friend of Papadopoulos. “All of a sudden, [Cantor] decides one day to introduce me to his so-called girlfriend, who just happened to be an Australian intelligence officer and the assistant to Alexander Downer,” Papadopoulos later claimed, as part of his theory that Downer was sent by MI6. The trio downed a few sneaky gin and tonics at the Kensington Wine Rooms and the rest is history! Literally. There’s a plaque outside the bar that reads: “Donald Trump got into trouble here when a chat over wine turned to Russian hacking. The Mueller Enquiry.” Luckily for Thompson, she was omitted from The Comey Rule telemovie’s short and (accents not so) sweet take of that faithful night. She’s now jetting off to a new gig as Australia’s ambassador to Colombia.

Kensington Wine Rooms really should have put Sandy Downer's name on this plaque. pic.twitter.com/Wo9RX3CMZj

— philip white (@whiteswine) April 18, 2020

Home and Away

Anthony John Abbott (aka Tony Abbott) has registered as an agent of foreign influence! The former prime minister now sits below Downer on the Attorney-General’s foreign influence transparency register. The AACTA-nominated Abbott added himself, describing the controversial new role for his mother country as: “An unpaid Adviser to the UK Board of Trade. The role is to advocate for free and fair trade especially trade with the UK and its allies.” Which commenced on October 6. And what, pray tell, is the former foreign minister’s overseas ties? “Assisting the Government of Gibraltar in its free-trade agreement negotiations with Australia” since August.

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