Inquisitive types

Nobody expects the Independent Commission Against Corruption! Especially Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce.

Barnaby Joyce.

Nobody expects the Independent Commission Against Corruption! Especially Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce. Much like the Monty Python sketch, the ICAC’s chief weapon is surprise … surprise and fear … fear and ruthless efficiency … ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope. Nope, sorry, that’s Dominic Perrottet. But back to Barnaby, who complained to Sunrise: “The fact that they come and tell you, ‘Oh, you’ve been referred to ICAC’. Well yeah, but you’re not proven guilty of anything. You’ve lost your job. And then they’re supposed to stand aside … So this is the great, sort of, righteous process, it’s a little bit Spanish Inquisition-ous.” Joyce declared that we the people should be the final arbiter as an “ICAC out of control” means “politicians are basically terrified to do their job”. Poor things! The commish bashing continued with dead parrot Joel Fitzgibbon, who drifted from the Labor talking points to describe ICAC as a “failed experiment” and a “kangaroo court”.

Total Barracuda

“We don’t have factions in the National Party. We actually do, we have either the freshwater Nats or the saltwater Nats, the coastal Nats versus inland” — outgoing NSW Deputy Premier John Barilaro.

John Barilaro.

Knowledge is poower

“I doubt he’ll become a sewage detective,” ACT Chief Minister Andrew Barr noted, after NSW’s No 2 announced his retirement at 8:30am on the Labour Day public holiday. Avid readers may recall the pair’s craptivating debate over em-poo-rical evidence after Covid fragments were found on the south coast in August. Barr refused to be the butt of the joke. “Does John know something about the poo that other people don’t?” he said at the time. “I mean, seriously, I’m just not interested in having ‘Whose poo it was’ arguments with John Barilaro at the moment.” It seems the shit show has now moved to Sydney. There’s speculation that more state politicians will quit this week, with a couple considering a change to Canberra and others ready to exit through the parliamentary gift shop. Gladys Berejiklian may take a shot at Zali Steggall in Warringah — pending the evidence at the ICAC public hearings — according to a report in the Guardian. There’s talk of a Super Saturday of by-elections, held on the same day as the postponed local council elections, December 4. The Coalition has a one-seat majority but no one is panicking yet. Barilaro’s seat of Monaro is held on margin of 11.6 per cent; Berejiklian’s Willoughby on 20.7 per cent; and Andrew Constance’s Bega on 6.9 per cent.

.@BenFordham on Gladys Berejiklian: "you two could reunite in Canberra one day..."@AndrewConstance "How cool would that be..."#GladysForCanberra ??

— Ben Fordham Live (@BenFordhamLive) October 3, 2021

Only poll that counts

Scott Morrison deciding to skip the COP26 summit in Glasgow has super-spread the whisper campaign of a possible November poll, but Strewth’s sources suggest the government is working towards March or May, with the option of an early budget. The precedent was set in April 2019, with Josh Frydenberg. For anyone looking to place a punt on which Saturday the next federal poll will fall, ABC election guru Antony Green has a few options. A normal house and half-Senate election can be called any time between now and May 21, 2022. After discounting Super Saturday (December 4); Christmas, New Year’s Day and Australia Day; SA election (March 19); and Easter (April 13 to 18); here are Green’s guesses … Nov 6, 13, 20, 27; Dec 4, 11; Feb 26; March 5, 12, 26; April 2, 9; or May 21. Fun fact! A federal election has never been held in January, February or June.

KO, Boomer

If anointed to the NSW Liberal Party leadership on Tuesday, 39-year-old Dominic Perrottet will be the first millennial state or territory leader in Australia. He just scrapes into the smashed avocado lovin’ generation, which is defined as those born between 1981 and 1996. As for the rest, Tasmanian baby boomer Peter Gutwein is the eldest at 56. Followed by Gen X-ers West Australian Mark McGowan, 54; South Australian Steven Marshall, 53; Queenslander Annastacia Palaszczuk, 52; Victorian Daniel Andrews, 49; capital Territorian Andrew Barr, 48; and the NT’s Michael Gunner, 45.

Dominic Perrottet.

Kean as mustard

Remember when the Prime Minister said “most of the federal cabinet wouldn’t even know who Matt Kean was”? It was January 2020 after the Moderates leader (and soon-to-be NSW Treasurer) claimed federal Liberals “from different states, different factions” wanted Morrison to “take stronger action” on climate change during the PM’s non-hose holding handshake of a Hawaiian summer. Well, ScoMo was wrong. Cheeky Labor senator Kimberley Kitching sent a formal question to each cabinet member last year asking “Does the minister know who Matt Kean is?” and requiring each to officially put on the record once and for all how Kean they are. There were 17 who answered in the affirmative and three in the negative, despite all being around during Kean’s 2018 sexting scandal (when he was publicly outed for cheating by his former girlfriend, who at the time was an adviser to then prime minister Malcolm Turnbull). Two didn’t reply to the curly question, including Marise Payne … a bit rich given Payne’s partner is Stuart Ayres, the man set to become NSW deputy Liberal Party leader on Tuesday. Peter Dutton provided the most amusing answer: “(Kean) is an integral part of the Berejiklian government’s efforts to keep the Sussex Street Labor crooks and spivs from again destroying NSW.” Kean celebrated the news of his new-found celebrity in the bubble, joking to Strewth: “Now when I go to Canberra I don’t have to wear my name badge anymore!”

Matt Kean.

November rain

Tina Arena and Scott Morrison.

Guns N’ Roses has postponed the Australian leg of its stadium tour planned for November, until late 2022. It was devastating news for secret hard rock fan Stuart Robert. “I’m still a bit staggered at the Gunners being delayed,” the Employment Minister told 4BC radio. “Sweet Child of Mine, the greatest opening riff of all songs I can think of … It is disappointing that the concert has been postponed. I remember an artist a few days ago was bemoaning the fact that we can have sports stadiums open but not for the arts and culture, i.e. concerts. And I think there’s a point about that. That is pretty sad.” That artist? Tina Arena, also known as ScoMo’s hall pass.

My little pony

Guess which pollie CNN is referring to in this headline:

“Australia’s climate policy is being dictated by a former accountant in a cowboy hat.”

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