Grapes of wrath

With Joel Fitzgibbon exiting through the parliamentary gift shop, Strewth has one question – who will take over as co-convener of Labor’s Otis Group?

Joel Fitzgibbon.

With Joel Fitzgibbon exiting through the parliamentary gift shop, Strewth has one question – who will take over as co-convener of Labor’s Otis Group? “That’s not something I’ve even had time to consider,” Fitz said. “It’s very important, but we’ll have to have at least 10 Otis dinners between now and polling day to determine that.” The cloak and dagger group first made waves last February when an email chain emerged encouraging members of the Right faction to support coal workers. It was titled “The Otis Group” in homage to the home of the national Labor Right dinners — the Otis Dining Hall in Kingston, a five-minute Comcar ride from Parliament House. (Some suggest it also stands for Outside The Inner Sanctum.) Otis is the Right’s restaurant of choice for one reason: it’s the only place in the Canberra Bubble™ that stocks co-convener and factional faceless man Don Farrell’s wines. Since its early iterations as the inner circle of the Right, the clandestine collective has grown into a cross-factional airing of grievances about Labor leader Anthony Albanese by more than a dozen members who believe the party needs to be taken in a different direction. Original members have dropped off and its new recruits are recalcitrants open to a leadership change. They still meet regularly, but not at the Otis Dining Hall. One Otisian suggested it was a “very progressive organisation”, and a woman might get a look in to replace Fitz if there was a ballot (unlike the all-male lower house leadership Labor currently has). Here’s our shortlist of possible ringleader candidates, based on sympathisers in the past year: Bill Shorten, Kimberley Kitching, Anthony Chisholm, Clare O’Neil, Raff Ciccone, Meryl Swanson, Daniel Mulino, Deborah O’Neil, Shayne Neumann, Helen Polley, Luke Gosling, David Smith, Matt Keogh or even … the Left’s Anne Aly. When we asked Fitz for his pick, he was still mulling over the options. “Don is more than capable of doing it alone but the dining workload is demanding so he should accept some help. We are a democratic movement but to save time we’ll probably just spin an empty Farrell bottle.” Too true! Farrell famously holds the nickname “The Godfather”, which inspired the Otisian’s slogan: “Real power can’t be given. It must be taken.” Movie buffs may recognise it from the cringe-worthy third instalment in the award-winning Al Pacino trilogy. Not to be confused with The Godfather Too, Farrell Wine’s $110 handcrafted cabernet. Keep an eye out for a horse’s head. Or cannoli.

Measure the curtains

If the Opposition Leader gives a radio interview on the lowest-rating FM Breakfast show in Sydney … does anybody hear it? Strewth certainly did, even if Albanese’s office decided not to send out a transcript of his brief call to The Morning Crew with Hughsey (Dave Hughes), Ed (Kavalee), and Erin (Molan). The crew was discussing an Instagram post by Molan — daughter of Liberal senator Jim Molan — where she claimed to prefer a cardboard cutout of Hughes because it was silent. Among the 800-odd people to “like” it was Albanese.

Hughes: “Good morning Albo.”

Albo: “Good morning. Good sledge Erin. Good sledge.”

Molan: You can use that during question time if you like.”

Albo: “My favourite version of Scott Morrison — silent. Just sitting in the corner.”

Hughes: “Albo, you like me more than ScoMo though, don’t you?”

Albo: “Of course I do. I like the cardboard cutout more than ScoMo. It’s not a high bar, mate.”

(Laughter ensued … seconds later) Hughes: “Now just quickly, we have had you on the radio before trying to hook you up with one of our producers. Are you in a relationship now or are you officially off the market?”

Jodie Haydon and Anthony Albanese.

Albo: “I am mate, and (Jodie Haydon)’s probably listening.”

Molan: “All the ladies of Australia have just sighed in disappointment. Bad news, but good news for her, Albo, she’s a lucky lady.

Hughes: “She’s looking forward to her dual residency …”

Molan: “What’s that? I don’t get that?”

Hughes: “Kirribilli and The Lodge. You get two! You get two homes!”

Albo: “50-50. You get two. No, no, no. The Lodge is supposed to be the home …”

Hughes: “Oh Albo, I feel like you’re not completely adamant that you won’t keep Kirribilli as well.”

Albo: “You might have to drop in from time to time … I do love Marrickville, but …”

Hughes: “We know you do mate.”

Albo: “The Cooks River or Sydney Harbour, let me think about that.”

Das re-boot

“Thank you Boris, and I want to thank that fellow down under. Thank you very much, pal! Appreciate it, Mr Prime Minister,” US President Joe Biden declared during the AUKUS announcement. Is this the American equivalent of the “mate” brush-off when you forgot someone’s name or just another snubbing? It does spell SUKUA backwards …

UK — AUS — US.

Seas the moment

We can’t have a conversation under the seas without mentioning the late senator John Madigan, who told a 2015 episode of Q&A: “Submarines are the spaceships of the ocean.” Then PM Tony Abbott followed up a few weeks later with his version: “Building a submarine is a very complex business … It’s not all that different from building a space probe.” The former CEO of Australia’s Defence Materiel Organisation Warren King agreed, telling Senate estimates: “It’s been said to me by the US, and I agree with it – submarines are the second-most complex vehicle constructed by man after spacecraft. I think that’s true.” How far we’ve come since Abbott government defence minister David Johnson declared that he wouldn’t trust the Australian Submarine Corporation to “build a canoe”!

BREAKING: Peter Dutton doesn't know how to do an elbow bump #auspolpic.twitter.com/xwVL7roPpu

— News Fighters Podcast (@NewsfightersPod) September 15, 2021

That’s a wrap

Meanwhile, Boris Johnson has been busy shutting down a Covid vaccine conspiracy theory being spread by an American rapper. Nicki Minaj told her 22 million Twitter followers her cousin’s friend in Trinidad “became impotent” and “his testicles became swollen” after receiving the shot, which led to his wedding being called off. Some one’s lying about an STD! This was raised at a Downing Street press conference and BoJo was asked for his take. “I’m not as familiar with the works of Nicki Minaj as I probably should be,” the British PM said. ”But I am familiar with Nikki Kanani, a superstar GP of Bexley who has appeared many times before you, who will tell you vaccines are wonderful and everybody should get them.”

Nicki Minaj at the 2018 Met Gala.

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