Food (fight) diplomacy

In a case of fortuitous timing, recently returned French ambassador to Australia Jean-Pierre Thebault will be answering questions at the National Press Club on Wednesday.

Scott Morrison, German chancellor Angela Merkel, Italian Prime Minister Mario Draghi, French president Emmanuel Macron, British Prime Minister Boris Johnson at the Trevi fountain.

In a case of fortuitous timing, recently returned French ambassador to Australia Jean-Pierre Thebault will be answering questions at the National Press Club on Wednesday. The Covid-restricted event sold out minutes after French President Emmanuel Macron’s liar liar (pants on fire) sub par claims about Scott Morrison. Dozens of keen Ken Behrens (read: Canberrans) have been placed on a waiting list as diplomatic players scramble for an $85 ticket. Foreign Minister Marise Payne on Monday met Thebault for an hour-plus chat she described as “constructive”. Strewth can’t wait to see the culinary cabal created by NPC executive chef Daren Tetley. Would a lobster and camembert sub be too rich? The steaks are high … At the last lunch with Wang Xining, China’s second-most senior diplomat down under, attendees were served a menu of Aussie beef, barley and wine. Tasty AND tariff-free.

Jean-Pierre Thebault.

Lies beneath

Macron’s media adviser broke out into a gazelle-like sprint, seconds after the French President was approached in the G20 corridors by the ABC’s political editor, Andrew Probyn. A classic Roman comedy! She wasn’t quick enough to stop Macron going full nuclear and telling the press pack that he didn’t “think”, he “knows”, that ScoMo lied to him. (Or to use the Prime Minister’s Parisian name – SceuxMeux.) Come on, Macron! Lying is one of the few growth industries in Australia. And its low carbon, so the UN should like it. We didn’t think Franco relations could get any lower than Macron inadvertently describing Lucy Turnbull as the “delicious wife” in 2018.

Treachery? Sacre bleu!

Barnaby Joyce attempted to rein in his anger when he heard the news. “That’s it. I’m not backing Port Guillaume in the Cup, it’s out,” the Acting Prime Minister declared. Probably a smart idea as the five-year-old French thoroughbred is at $126 to win. Joyce continued: “We didn’t steal an island. We didn’t deface the Eiffel Tower. It was a contract.” Talk about hot to trot! Anthony Albanese is also going The Australian Way. The Opposition Leader’s taking a punt on Incentivise, trained by Peter Moody, because the much-hyped Caulfield Cup winner “is a good Aussie horse from Queensland”. A literal safe bet, given Incentivise is the shortest favourite since Phar Lap. But when it comes to Melbourne Cup tips, we’re interested only in one woman’s opinion: Senator Payne. She and her partner, NSW Liberal deputy Stuart Ayres, are regulars at the races and the proud owners of their own filly, Dunara. The four-year-old mare, trained by Kris Lee in Newcastle, has won almost $20,000 in prize money so far. The couple also purchased an “unnamed foal” earlier this year. Payne told Strewth she’s keen on star UK stayer Spanish Mission. The senator added that, in a nod to great Aussie female jockeys, Rachel King on Pondus would be a highly appropriate follow-on to the historic Prince of Penzance victory by Michelle Payne (no relation). To paraphrase Bob Hawke, any boss who schedules a Zoom call at 3pm is a bum!

Stuart Ayres and Marise Payne.

Bubble bump

While the Prime Minister pledges to reduce emissions in Glasgow, it’s a different story with the hot air ballooning in Parliament House. The ministerial wing now has 460.4 workers employed in “personal” positions, a 12 per cent inflation in two years. That number includes 61 Star Chamber staffers lucky enough to score a secret taxpayer-funded pay rise. Morrison personally signed off on the favoured few to be paid a “higher salary than the top of the salary range for their classification”, adding an extra $1.6m to the budget. So who are they and how much are we paying them? We don’t know. The Finance Department won’t disclose which offices they work in or the exact dollar amounts they’re taking home. By comparison, the 2018 Turnbull government had 26 staff paid “above the range” at an annual additional cost of $761,004.

Remains of the pay

Those spreadsheets sure don’t colour-code themselves! Morrison has 50.4 “personal” staff on his team as of October 1, according to an official Finance document tabled in estimates last week. As for the rest of cabinet … Joyce and Josh Frydenberg employ 18; Simon Birmingham, Peter Dutton and Greg Hunt, 17; Michaelia Cash and Payne, 16; Paul Fletcher and Stuart Robert, 15; David Littleproud and Dan Tehan, 14; Karen Andrews and Anne Ruston, 13; Angus Taylor,Alan Tudge, Bridget McKenzie and Linda Reynolds, 12; Sussan Ley and Melissa Price, 11; Andrew Gee and Ken Wyatt, 10. The opposition has 102 personal positions, including 33 in the Labor leader’s suite. The Greens are allocated 17 advisers, all bar one located within leader Adam Bandt’s office. The six living former prime ministers also have three taxpayer-funded staff.

Bert van Manen.

Dirt music

The staffer stat that raised Strewth’s eyebrow was the 17 “personal” employees in the office of chief government whip Bert van Manen. That’s more than most of cabinet! His helpers have increased by 54 per cent in the past four years, up from 11 people in 2018. Why? The Finance Minister explained to estimates that the “positions are allocated by the Prime Minister” and it may have something to do with the increase in staff support after Brittany Higgins’s allegations. Or is it because the whip’s office houses the Coalition’s dirt unit, which on paper goes by the name of the “Members and Senators Support Unit”? (One digger told Strewth that during the reign of Bill Shorten, the unit had a robot vacuum with the Labor leader’s face.) This latest increase in staff is conveniently timed as we count down to the next democracy sausage day, if you ask Labor senator Tim Ayres.

Ayres: “Is this an appropriate place to house the pre-election dirt unit?”

Birmo: “It’s not a characterisation of the work there that I would agree with Senator …”

Ayres: “It’s a noble art, digging dirt, is it?”

Muddle of the road

Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it’s off to COP we go. While we wait for details of the Nat Zero deal, here’s what the Acting PM announced on Monday — “a new $150m Remote Roads Upgrade Pilot Program” to seal roads that have been left untouched since the Great Depression. That’s right, $150m dollars for dirt roads.

Tap dance

“Why do you always do what Gladys asks and not what I ask!” Helen Perrottet texted hubby NSW Premier Dom Perrottet, after the ICAC phone taps aired.

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