Devil’s in the detail at Noosa
Attention all sinners! The Noosa Satanists are planning a Satanic Black Mass on October 30 at The J theatre to mark Halloween.
The Noosa Satanists are planning a Satanic Black Mass on October 30 at The J theatre to mark Halloween. Not even a pandemic can keep the devil from his favourite holiday destination.
Brother Samael Demo-Gorgon — or, as he’s known outside the Noosa Temple of Satan, LGBTI activist and former Sex Party candidate Robin Bristow — suspects it may be the first public black mass in Queensland and he has invited along local politicians.
“Satan has great plans for the Principality of Noosa and Australia,” the invite says. “Join us in fellowship as we perform this ancient ritual where the Dark Lord is summoned through Satanic invocations.
“Our resplendent altar will symbolise our own personal life journey. You are invited to place sacred items on the altar for blessing. Knowledge is the greatest gift. Free yourself from spiritual enslavement.
“Hail Satan!”
Bristow plans to lead the mass, with the backing of a well-known Brisbane performer.
But in bad news for interstate devil worshippers, Annastacia Palaszczuk is keeping the Sunshine State border closed to NSW and Victoria until December.
Entry costs $6.66 (of course it does) and parishioners walk away with a complimentary membership certificate. More than 60 people have expressed an interest thus far.
Oh, and “Satanic dress code is encouraged”. BYO sacrificial lamb?
For the hell of it
You may remember Bristow from his work playing devil’s advocate with the Morrison government’s religious discrimination bill.
“Thanks to the concerted efforts of our PM there has been a phenomenal growth of Satanism in Australia,” Bristow boasted.
“In particular, we would like to thank Liberal Senator Concetta Fierravanti-Wells for her speech to parliament stating she would like Australians ‘to have freedom of religion, either individually or in community with others, in public or private to manifest one’s religion or belief in worship, observance, practice and teaching’.”
Free kick for Brisbane
Has Western Australia punted itself out of hosting the AFL grand final?
Boundary umpire Mark McGowan is keeping the quokkas in phase four restrictions until at least October 24. That’s the current date for the big dance.
“If the grand final wanted to be held here in a COVIDSafe way and the requirement is that the stadium only have a half capacity crowd that would be the rule that the grand final had to abide by, the AFL had to abide by,” McGowan said.
“The reality is we have bigger issues to worry about — the grand final is not one of them.”
Not that anyone asked, but Tasmania is also keeping its borders closed until at least December 1.
No Kat in the Hat
Tragic news for Question Time viewers. Bob Katter isn’t likely to make an in-person appearance this sitting fortnight.
The 75yo hat fan frothed that he has been “decommissioned” as an MP because QLD rules require returning pollies (“essential workers”) to quarantine at home.
But the strict self-isolation isn’t stopping Labor MP Anika Wells from heading to the Canberra Bubble™.
The Brisbanite is one of four pregnant pollies and will become the first federal member to give birth to twins in office — nicknamed the “Quarantwins”.
Another reigny day
Prince Charles has recorded a three and a half minute video message for those locked down in Danistan.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” our future King began.
“I’ve always felt a special fondness for Victoria, having spent six very happy months there at school 54 years ago”, at Geelong Grammar’s Timbertop campus.
“I know that Victorians, like all Australians, are tenacious and resilient. Or indeed, as you might say in Australia, ‘made of tough stuff’,” he said with a wry smile.
The Prince of Wales said he and wife Camilla have “endless admiration” for the Lucky Country’s “seemingly unceasing capacity for good humour in the face of hardship”.
And he “could only imagine just how incredibly hard it would be” following the summer fires. “Having experienced this dreadful coronavirus myself, my heart goes out to all those currently battling the disease; those caring for them, either at home or in your first class health system; and those who have so tragically lost their loved ones,” HRH said.
Charles also gave a shout-out to businesses forced to close over “the necessary social restrictions” and name-dropped an Irish poet.
“It is our heartfelt wish that, in the words of Victor Daley — the 19th century poet who found his voice in Victoria and who was himself no stranger to hardship — ‘you will soon see sorrow go down with the sun’.
So, all I can say — however inadequate this may seem under such unprecedented circumstances — is that these difficult often soul-destroying days will surely pass and we have no doubt Victoria will emerge stronger than ever.”
I can't believe Prince Charles' message for Victorians was just, "I beat coronavirus in 3 days. It was easy for me. Like nothing."
— Adam Liaw (@adamliaw) August 18, 2020
Ma head to-ma-toes
“What you wear and what your colour is completely irrelevant,” Barnaby Joyce declared on Monday’s Q+A.
“I’m red. How many of those do we have on television?”
Never forget the father of six was famously described as looking “inbred with a tomato” by former Pistol & Boo owner Johnny Depp in 2016.
Can’t concentrate
An American politics dad joke: Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump … but that’s like comparing apples with oranges.
So we meat again
Labor MP Peta Murphy had an un-fur-getable conversation with 3AW host Neil Mitchell about her pre-parliament quarantine.
Murphy: “It’s (husband) Rod and myself and Bert and Ernie, who are seven-month-old Labrador puppies, in a one-bedroom townhouse with a courtyard.”
Mitchell: “I’ve seen some footage of them rampaging.”
Murphy: “Oh my goodness, they like to rampage. There’s a little, I guess you’d call it an alleyway … down the side of the house, and the dogs and I have been doing some shuttle runs to try to get them to calm down. But it has resulted in quite a lot of bruises.”
Mitchell: “Labs that age are notorious for their energy but they hit 12 months, start eating, and don’t move for the next 10 years.”
Murphy: “I can’t wait for that to happen.”
Mitchell: “Have you considered eating them? Because North Korea have started eating their dogs because they’re short of food. Would Bert and Ernie make a good feed, would they?”
Murphy: “No, they wouldn’t, no. Don’t even say that.”
Mitchell: “Well look, all the best for next week.”
Day 2 of 14 days quarantine before heading to Canberra for Parliament. It’s going to be a looong fortnight. #labsofauspol @Bowenchris pic.twitter.com/Gw4A021e63
— Peta Murphy MP (@petajan) August 10, 2020
strewth@theaustralian.com.au
Libs should be-Ware what they say about JWH
Could things get any worse for the Liberals in Hughes? Well, strap in. Diary can reveal that Liberal candidate Jenny Ware once called John Winston Howard ‘out of touch’.
Believe in your selfie, Andrew
Kevin Rudd appears to have met his selfie match in Andrew Charlton.
Attention all sinners!