Daniel Andrews eye spy
You’ll never guess which industry is the latest to get its nose out of joint with Daniel Andrews — private investigators.
You’ll never guess which industry is the latest to get its nose out of joint with Daniel Andrews — private investigators. Hundreds of trained gumshoes are twiddling their thumbs while public servants and defence personnel — with, according to Australian School of Security and Investigations boss Adrian Francis, little to no sleuthing skills — have been put in charge of contact tracing and identifying mystery cluster origins. “We were looking at the security guard quarantine issues in Melbourne before it went public and observed some questionable practices by police at border crossings prior to the lockdowns, but unless you are attached to a government agency with the right contacts, no one seems to be interested,” a frustrated Francis told Strewth. “We have been running self-funded operations since the pandemic began and identifying serious matters of concern that no one else is looking at, with hours of video evidence that would shock the general public but no one wants to talk to us.” Do tell! Francis claims he has surveillance showing “serious COVID-19 incidents” including: Melbourne men meeting up secretly sans masks; the use of non-lockdown hotels to house essential workers, mixing them with the general public; possible exposure of international flight crews to aged-care staff; breaches in transferring medical waste from contaminated coronavirus sites; and more. What are they waiting for? We say — chuck on a trench coat and release the tapes!
Full bodied
Here’s an odd bit of phrasing by Deputy Chief Medical Officer Nick Coatsworth. “The decisions to decant patients, as we say, or transfer patients to hospitals … might be for a number of reasons.” Are nursing home residents just like a good red wine — better with age?
Intensive car
There’s a curious Catch-22 in Melbourne at the moment. With off-street car parks closed — under a strange stage-four loophole that lists it under “other services” alongside brothels and strip clubs — big and small businesses have been forced to purchase off-site parking for their essential employees who can’t catch public transport. But it comes with a double tax hit. “If a business purchases a car space for an employee for $15, they pay the Australian Taxation Office $14.67 in fringe benefits tax,” Parking Australia chief Stuart Norman told Strewth. In addition, the NSW, Victorian and WA state governments charge parking levies. “So of the $29.67 the business will pay for the parking space, at least $20 is going to governments in taxes. So much for us all being in this together!”
Husky highway
Shucking news — two lanes were closed and eastbound traffic at a standstill on Melbourne’s West Gate Freeway Wednesday arvo, after a truck spilt corn on the road. You could say it was a maize out there. Got a better pun? We’re all ears!
Traffic has been delayed on the West Gate Freeway (eastbound) today after a truck spilled corn on the road. Two lanes are still closed while the cleanup continues. pic.twitter.com/8AGrr7dWjc
— ABC Melbourne (@abcmelbourne) August 12, 2020
Suffragette city
Melbourne city councillor Jackie Watts wants the October local elections delayed. Why? Because lockdown, homeschooling and insecure work has put a greater burden on women than men. “There’s been a big push for more women to go into local government because that’s a stepping stone for women in politics,” Watts said. “Many are likely to be, in a very practical sense, unable to stand — or at the very least be deterred from contesting this election because of exhaustion.”
Oops … he did it again
“I don’t think Victorians would have been very pleased to hear Mike Baird’s ‘Leave Britney Alone’ moment with Dan Andrews,” millennial Liberal senator James Paterson proclaimed. For Baby Boomers, Leave Britney Alone was a viral video from the mid-2000s where an uberfan asked the media to back off from troubled pop star Britney Spears. But on Baird. The former NSW Liberal premier told people to lay off the current Labor Premier in a lengthy Facebook post. “(It) sounds exactly like an incestuous political class making special pleasing for each other to protect them from that scrutiny,” Paterson told Sky News. “The last thing they want to think is that people from across the aisle, from different political parties, are so close and so matey that they have more in common with each other than they do with the constituents they’re actually supposed to represent and that they’re part of this big bipartisan protection racket. It is outrageous.”
Freedom isn’t free
Will controversial comments made by dialling into parliament fall under privilege? Perhaps not, according to Attorney-General Christian Porter. “I am unaware any substantive work has been undertaken on how privilege would operate for statements made virtually through this particular process, which I’m sure would need to be the subject of inquiry and advice to any member before they made any decision to use the facility,” he wrote to Labor frontbencher Tony Burke. Hang on … committees have been operating by video and phone conference for years. Would this comprise that evidence? There’s only one thing to do: release the legal advice!
Book of Joh
The final hammer went down on Sir Joh & Lady Flo Bjelke-Petersen’s estate auction at 2:37am on Wednesday, after seven hours of fierce bidding on the 800-plus items. Lloyd’s Auctions wouldn’t reveal the final dollar, only that it was six figures. The coveted 1969 moon landing world tour program signed by Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and co went for $39,000; William Dargie’s Archibald portrait, $22,000; the 1982 white Jaguar, $14,500; and a silver platter gifted from the Queen and Prince Philip to the power couple, $7250. The sleeper hit? Lady Flo’s used aluminium cake tins — $410 for the pair. Coincidentally, Tuesday would have been Lady Flo’s 100th birthday. Good news for the Office of the Arts, which intervened last-minute to prevent protected objects going offshore. All items were purchased by Quiet Australians (including some hush-hush politicians).
Northern lights
Finally, a reprieve for Sunshine State voters! Labor leader Anthony Albanese is stuck at home in Sydney. “I am. I was supposed to be in Queensland on a couple of visits in the last few weeks. But it is the right thing, clearly, that Annastacia Palaszczuk’s done. But unfortunately, I’m collateral damage with the border closures,” Albanese said. One argument to keep those borders hard?
strewth@theaustralian.com.au
Libs should be-Ware what they say about JWH
Could things get any worse for the Liberals in Hughes? Well, strap in. Diary can reveal that Liberal candidate Jenny Ware once called John Winston Howard ‘out of touch’.
Believe in your selfie, Andrew
Kevin Rudd appears to have met his selfie match in Andrew Charlton.