50 Shades of Brett Sutton

Brett Sutton hasn’t quit, he’s just taking three days off. There was a 15-minute flurry online that Victoria’s Chief Health Officer had permanently left the building in the middle of the Dandemic.

Victorian Chief Health Officer Brett Sutton. Picture: Getty Images

Brett Sutton hasn’t quit, he’s just taking three days off. There was a 15-minute flurry online that Victoria’s Chief Health Officer had permanently left the building in the middle of the Dandemic, after a rogue report from Sky News. Fifteen minutes is a long time in lockdown! We’re happy to confirm that’s not the case. We’re less than happy to report on the latest piece of fan mail about the stubbled medico (see Strewth last Friday on the Sutton bed spread, mask and pillow). It’s NSFW anonymous Twitter account “120 Days of Sutton”. Think 50 Shades of Grey — but sanitised. An erotica tale about a woman in hotel quarantine delivered in bursts of 280 characters (or less). Here’s one of the only passages we could print in this family paper: “Your arousal withers, turning to disappointment as Dr Sutton leaves. You’re left alone with your embarrassment and frustration. You wonder whether psychological torture is part of your punishment for breaching the rules so comprehensively. Once again, you retrace your misdeeds and follies that made Dan (Andrews) and Brett decide to make an example of you. Why did you have to panic-buy that toilet paper? What was the point of that party? What did it prove to declare to so many people that you wouldn’t wear a mask?” Gives a new meaning to deep clean.

What?! Nickelback have broken up??

— Chief Health Officer, Victoria (@VictorianCHO) August 5, 2020

COVIDSafe Sutton.

If it’s not on, it’s not on

Salacious news from the COVID case-free Canberra Bubble™! Strip clubs, brothels and escort agencies will reopen on Monday. But the one person per 4sq m rule still applies. We wonder how that works? A better question is — will people use their real name on the COVIDSafe sign in sheet? According to ACT Police, a “Mr Donald Duck” has been dining at various venues across the territory.

Couldn’t car less

Here’s an odd quirk of Victoria’s stage-four rules — parking has been categorised as an “other service” alongside brothels, strip clubs and places of worship. “While shutting off-street car parks does restrict the movement of people, there are some like essential workers who will need to park,” Parking Australia chief Stuart Norman said. Plus people going to medical facilities or the shops. “In issuing the direction for car parks to close, the government are still yet to address the $100m Congestion Levy on parking spaces. To force car parks to close yet still tax them is astounding to say the least,” Norman said.

Short soup

Bill Shorten isn’t happy people are panic-buying pork. “Getting the available meat for family dinner. At least the bulldogs will be happy,” the former Labor leader tweeted from a Melbourne market, with a photo of himself holding a giant bone for pooch Matilda. But the budding chef has cooked up a stocky solution — “Bill’s special vegetable barley lockdown soup”. He's shared the recipe with locked-down constituents in the latest Maribyrnong News (along with a guide to making masks from socks). Our tip — stew on it a bit, if you really carrot all.

Getting the available meat for family dinner. At least the bulldogs will be happy. pic.twitter.com/ilQq4Wtwgd

— Bill Shorten (@billshortenmp) August 5, 2020

Peas out.

Like a Rolling Stone

The Victorian Premier was asked about supermarket shelf shortages. “You may not necessarily be able to get exactly the cut of meat that you want but you will get what you need and you will get all the products that are, basically, fundamentally important to you,” Andrews philosophised. A remix on the Rolling Stone classic?

Tune in & chill out

During these unprecedented times, you need unprecedented methods to digest the daily hour plus briefings from the Andrews crew. Perhaps that’s why a DJ has released a mash-up of seven hours and 40 minutes of press conference speak called “Lofi ISO beats with Dandrews so we can get on the beers later”. According to creator Memeiva, the chill mix “isn’t supposed to be a mockery or degrading in anyway, it’s devastating the deaths and spread of this virus in Australia, this was mostly made for archival purposes and as an alternative way to get the latest update (as of 2nd August)”. The chill hip hop track features July 24 to August 2 (when the state of disaster announcement was made) in order. Disturbingly, it’s been viewed nearly 4000 times. And no, it’s not DJ Albo (Anthony Albanese), we checked.

Requiem for a scream

During the height of lockdown, the Poms took part in a weekly clap for frontline carers. With millions of Melburnians looking for a way to release their indoor frustration, one woman has come up with a novel idea: “Stand on your front porch and scream.” Scheduled for Friday at 7pm, more than 20,000 people have marked themselves as “going” on Facebook. That’s a lot of wailing! “Covid’s shit. Every1s a bit sad. Just stand on ur porch and scream until u feel a bit better,” the event description reads. “Let’s all unite in our shared depression.” Do you need a permit to scream in Chairman Dan’s state? Well, if you hear your neighbours’ Wilhelm scream, you’ll know why.

Full steam ahead

As far as news bloopers go, this one is a hall of famer. Viewers of Melbourne’s 4pm Nine News got more than they bargained for when Lana Murphy accidentally dropped the f-bomb after stumbling in a piece to camera about a curfew-breaching COVIDiot. “He told officers he was on his way to … f..k my life,” Murphy profoundly profaned. She explained on Twitter: “Unfortunately the wrong version (clearly) of a prerecord made it to air but thankfully I have a great boss and I’ll be back on your screens tomorrow.”

Plate of origin

TikTok teen are covering Victorian number plates with stickers so they read “The Disaster State”. In 1977-94, Victoria was “The Garden State”. Then-premier Jeff Kennett changed it to the Liberal’s slogan “On The Move”, Labor’s Steve Bracks went with “The Place To Be”, then Liberal Dennis Napthine chose “Stay Alert Stay Alive”. Daniel Andrews’s current plates? “The Education State.”

The place to be!

Flying high

The Morrison government’s Star Chamber has lost another two. In the space of two weeks, deputy prime minister Michael McCormack has said bon voyage to his two senior press secretaries. Hannah Maguire departed for a role with the Airports Association in late July, appropriate given her bosses’ portfolio is infrastructure. And in a Deidre Chambers case of coincidence, Tess Salmon will take off from MickMack’s office on Friday and land at Western Sydney Airport. Nice to see jobs going to the girls, for a change.

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