Cheaper by the dozen

One of the world’s greatest mysteries may have been solved this week. How many children does Boris Johnson actually have?

Boris Johnson.

One of the world’s greatest mysteries may have been solved this week. We’re not talking about the Somerton Man, Stonehenge or the Shroud of Turin. This is bigger than all three … how many children does Boris Johnson actually have? With the British Prime Minister having another bub on the way, the UK media has been furiously speculating whether he will be welcoming his 7th or 8th child when (third) wife Carrie Symonds gives birth. Johnson refuses to talk about his private life and has never confirmed how many offspring he has fathered. There was a clue last Friday when Johnson joked that he’d “probably seen as many delivery rooms” as anybody in his new cabinet “with the possible exception of Jacob”. Jacob Rees-Mogg, Leader of the Commons, has six children. It took a trip to New York City to get to the bottom of the nappy basket.

NBC host Savannah Guthrie: “Since you became Prime Minister, you became a father again, you have a new baby, you’re expecting another baby.

BoJo: “Yeah, I know, I know …”

Guthrie: “You have six kids.”

BoJo: “Yes.”

Guthrie: “What’s it like to have little babies?”

BoJo: “It’s fantastic. Well, you know, it’s a lot of work. It’s a lot of work, I’ll tell you that much. But I love it. I absolutely love it. I change a lot of nappies, in case anybody was wondering.”

Guthrie: “Do you really?

BoJo: “I do, I do.”

The interview abruptly ended there as the PM turned and spoke to someone off camera. As for the Johnson Six — there’s one-year-old son Wilfred; four children in their 20s with second wife Marina Wheeler; and a daughter from his affair with art critic Helen Macintyre. At least.

Pepe Le Pew

“I just think it’s time for some of our dearest friends around the world to prenez un grip about this and donnez moi un break.” That’s right, Johnson quite literally told the French to “get a grip”.

Holding out for a zero

Scott Morrison may be busy hanging with his Anglo alliance fellows in Washington DC but his finger is never far from the PR pulse. The Prime Minister’s office issued an edict this week that all Liberal backbenchers must get approval before speaking to the media. Sacre bleu! What sparked this Stalinist crackdown? Strewth’s sources suggest it was David Sharma’s front-page plea for the government to set higher climate change targets, such as 40 to 45 per cent by 2035. We haven’t heard such heavy-handed tactics since Labor tried to plug drips from its closed-door caucus meetings before they could become Titanic-style leaks, by attempting a phone ban in June. Anthony Albanese’s foot soldiers are already forced to send final drafts of opinion pieces to their leader for approval (or forced change) before being submitted to newspapers … ironic, given how much Albo loved free speech (and freelancing) when he wasn’t in charge. The Liberals appear to be sticking to the new world order so far. But it’s another story with the junior Coalition partner in the age of re-Joyce. Ousted cabinet minister Darren Chester is the latest to stray from the talking points, urging his Nationals colleague to release a “credible” policy on reducing emissions or face losing the millennial and Gen Z vote at the next election.

Scott Morrison and Nancy Pelosi.

Hill to die on

Winston Churchill.

On his way to see US Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, the Prime Minister stumbled upon a bust of Winston Churchill. “Statesman. Defence of Freedom. Honorary U.S. Citizen” is carved in the marble column, alongside a quote from the British PM’s Masters of Fate speech to the US congress on December 26, 1941. Morrison was so moved he gave it a mention a few minutes later. “And now, as we go into a new period of the relationship under AUKUS, on the way up, as we were walking up the stairs, I saw the statue of Winston Churchill, and talking about freedom and his passion for freedom, and between Australia, the US and the United Kingdom, that is something we share a great passion for — a world order that favours freedom.” Asking for a friend … can submarines fight on the beaches?

Hell raised

Victorian Liberal Tim Wilson has been confined to the Canberra Bubble™ for the past eight weeks. Which only half explains why he decided to pose for a photograph in matching Melbourne Demons merch — scarf, tie and socks — with an aggressive snarl on his face. “Today the Economics Committee has CommBank and ANZ before it. We will grill them like a Doggie flambéed by the fires of hell!” Wilson tweeted. Wonder what he’ll do if they win the AFL grand final? Earlier this week, Wilson quizzed the well-groomed IFM Investors chief executive David Neal about where he got his haircut. The Melbourne-based multi-billion-dollar fund manager boss’s answer? “Well, in my kitchen on Sunday, where my wife was very brave and gave it a go,” Neal said, “provided there wasn’t public commentary on her hair-cutting skills.” Wilson said it wasn’t a critique but a touch of envy on his part. It’s been at least nine weeks since he’s had a trim.

Today @AboutTheHouse Economics Committee has @CommBank & @ANZ_AU before it. We will grill them like a Doggie flambéed by the fires of hell! @melbournefc#GoDees#GoOpenAndCompetitiveBankingpic.twitter.com/yB9SXrbxxC

— Tim Wilson MP (@TimWilsonMP) September 22, 2021

Banana Republic

Q: “We’ve seen Bob Katter pick some bananas this year. Are you going to take a four-week break?”

Queensland Liberal Phil Thompson: “I will not be taking a four-week break.”

Employment Minister Stuart Robert: “He’s not getting a day off. He’s representing his constituents every single day.”

Thompson: “Yeah … there’s no time for banana picking or banana bending or putting stickers on bananas or any of the good stuff like that.”

30 Seconds to Mal

Time flies when you’re having fun! Friday marks 20 years since Mal Meninga entered the Auspol Hall of Fame for brevity. It was September 24, 2001 – the first and only day of his political career. For those who need their memories jogged, here is Mal’s tilt at power in its entirety.

Journo Chris Uhlmann: “Why are you standing?”

Meninga: “A number of reasons. I guess throughout my sporting career, I’ve had the urge to do community work and I think I’ve worked really hard on that aspect in my 16 years in Canberra and the thing about that is that I was a public figure and I was put on a podium, I was just a person out there making sure that I was... I’m buggered. I’m sorry.” (He walks out.)

Plenty of celebrities have dabbled in politics with varying degrees of success. Our own Mal Meninga's political career may have been the shortest on record.

Posted by ABC Canberra on Thursday, April 11, 2019

Electronic Graffiti

“There are some very strange dudes on social media with very strange ideas – you don’t need to listen to them.” – NSW Health Minister Brad Hazzard.

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