Boys are back in town

Dozens of politicians are hauled up across the Canberra Bubble™ for two weeks, in order to attend Josh Frydenberg’s not Back in Black Budget on October 6.

Anthony Albanese wants to be in the room where it happens.

Dozens of politicians and staffers are hauled up across the Canberra Bubble™ for two weeks of solitary confinement, in order to attend Josh Frydenberg’s not Back in Black Budget on October 6. Charging taxpayers $291 a night in travel allowance (and pocketing the difference), of course! Things will be a tad quieter this year — with hundreds of hacks (and real housewives) banned from descending on das capital to attend the seven-hour lock-up, watch the Treasurer’s half-hour speech at 7:30pm in the House of Representatives, or throw back champagne at the numerous knees ups. And Anthony Albanese isn’t happy. “The opposition have been advised that we will be kept out of the budget lock-up for two hours more than has ever occurred in the past,” he complained. “Tradition has it that the lock-up is available to the opposition to scrutinise the budget from 1:30pm. Now the government is advising that that time will be 3:30pm. Two hours less scrutiny. People only allowed into the budget lock-up after question time has occurred. This is completely unacceptable.” However, Strewth’s abacus spies say the Labor Leader doth protest too much! According to the sign-in sheet for the budget lock-up last year — which readers may recall was in the much more traditional month of April, before the election — then Treasury spokesman Chris Bowen didn’t sign in until 3:20pm. And Albanese? He entered at 4:30pm.

Stork raving mad

The political baby boom continues, with another bub born just a few kilometres away from the corridors of power. Labor MP Alicia Payne welcomed Elena Patricia Phillips at Canberra Hospital last Monday. Weighing in at 3.48kg, we hear older brother Paul is very excited about his new sister. Elena is the fourth COVID kid born to federal families since the pandemic began, and another seven are on the way. Victorian Liberal senator James Paterson and wife Lydia are expecting a baby girl any day now. In November, Queensland MP Anika Wells will become the first federal pollie to welcome twins (dubbed the quarantwins) while in office. Victorian Labor MP Kate Thwaites’s second child is due in December. As is South Australian Labor senator Marielle Smith’s, a baby girl. Smith is another history maker — the first member of a major party to give birth while in the Senate. The better halves of West Australian Labor MPs Patrick Gorman and Matt Keogh are also pregnant.

Love lockdown

Proving once again that the Canberra Bubble™ is slightly out of step, forecasts have predicted fewer babies will be born in the country in the next two years. A report by the federal government’s Centre for Population found families were deferring their first or next child, with the number of babies born to every woman dropping from 1.74 to 1.59 in 2021. “Our population growth will be the lowest since World War I as a result of COVID,” Population Minister Alan Tudge speculated. That’s despite Frydenberg’s enthusiastic call for “more children” to boost the economy.

Pregnant pause

Hang on — didn’t Frydenberg foretell a rise in fertility? Demographic assumptions in the 2019 budget anticipated Quiet Australians would be turning up the Barry White and turning down the lights. It predicted our population would reach just under 27 million by 2020, with the birthrate bouncing up from 1.74 to 1.9 and staying there for at least a decade. Frydenberg’s first budget forecast 177,700 babies would be born this year; 187,400 in 2021 and 192,200 in 2022. That’s four years of back-to-back record increases. Talk about fiscal vaginal hubris! Which makes this scene from last year’s budget estimates even more of an elephant in the womb. “What do you know that Australian couples don’t know about what’s going to happen over the next four years?” Labor senator Kristina Keneally quizzed Finance Minister Mathias Cormann in October. The father of two shrugged off the Peter Costello comparison. Granted, it’s rather hard to imagine the Belgian telling voters to “have one for mum, one for dad and one for the country”. Keneally asked: “Will you stake your reputation on it, that the Australian people are going to get so busy over the next four years we’re going to have a baby boom of historic proportions?” Cormann replied: “Ho ho ho, ho ho ho! We will continue to work to ensure that we outperform our forecasted projections with actual performance.” No pun intended, we presume. As the room roared with laughter, Keneally zinged: “It’s not your performance I’m asking about, minister.”

Baby boomers love a baby boom.

In hindsight, I really should have asked @MathiasCormann if he was recommending that we all just lie there & think of the Budget.

The Morrison Government is propping up its economic growth projections in the Budget by predicting a historic 4-year #babyboom - Get going Australia! pic.twitter.com/ogxQqDM1wH

— Kristina Keneally (@KKeneally) October 23, 2019

Not so terrible twos

There were no dummy spits and tantrums in sight last week when the COVID-19 inquiry welcomed two youthful additions to the table. Liberal senator Amanda Stoker’s teleconference from her home in Bardon, Queensland, was gatecrashed by her daughters — four-year-old Jane and two-year-old Mary. “I’m working from home and appearing in Senate committee via video link … It was all going OK until this happened!” Stoker explained. “Spontaneous insistence on giving me a massage while questioning Treasury officers.” Showing tolerance rarely seen in the Senate, Jane patiently kneaded and Mary watched while mum probed public servants. “Mum life is great but it can be a handful,” Stoker said.

Some excellent support for Senator @stoker_aj going on here. 👏 #auspol @10NewsFirst pic.twitter.com/aZj2yEGODK

— Tegan George (@tegangeorge) September 17, 2020

The Patriot

What do you get the politician who has everything? “Kids and wife got me a flagpole for Father’s Day and just installed today,” Queensland Nationals senator Matthew Canavan tweeted. The father of five shared a snap of the new addition in his Yepoon home on Saturday, adding a token: “How good is Australia?” We wonder — is it coal-powered? Surely not one of those “less bang for more buck” wind-generated, renewable energy flag poles!

Kids and wife got me a flagpole for Father's Day and just installed today. How good is Australia? pic.twitter.com/VnpzOu3TDo

— Matthew Canavan (@mattjcan) September 19, 2020

Nothin’ but camels

Forget the second wave, UK PM Boris Johnson is more concerned about the second hump! The father of six (or possibly more), told The Sun: “The only way to make sure the country is able to enjoy Christmas is to be tough now. So if we can grip it now, stop the surge, arrest the spike, stop the second hump of the dromedary, flatten the second hump. Dromedary or camel? I can’t remember if it is a dromedary or a camel that has two humps? Umm. Please check. Anyway a double hump. So that is what we need to do!” If they do, will BoJo sing “Oh camel all ye faithful?“ Back in March, he compared the COVID curve to a sombrero hat ­and urged Brits to “squash it” by lockdown.

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