American schnauzer

It’s been 15 months since Strewth revealed the government was investigating Amber Heard for possible perjury over the Pistol and Boo star-paws saga.

Amber Heard and Johnny Depp.

Australian politics is going to the dogs. Literally. It’s been 15 months since Strewth revealed the government was investigating Amber Heard – former wife of Barnaby Joyce’s Hollywood nemesis Johnny Depp — for possible perjury over the Pistol and Boo star-paws saga. And yet the Agriculture Department refuses to provide an update to the case. Hound lovers may recall that the now Deputy Prime Minister gave the two yorkshire terriers a death deadline in May 2015 — “bugger off back to the US” on a private jet or authorities would euthanise them within 50 hours — after the then agriculture minister discovered they had been smuggled into the country. Heard avoided conviction in April 2016 after she pleaded guilty to giving Customs a false document but was forced to pay a $1000 fine and film a hostage video – sorry – biosecurity apology alongside Depp. Pistol and Boo made headlines again last year, during the Pirates of the Caribbean star’s failed libel case against The Sun. Depp launched the defamation proceedings after the newspaper branded him a “wife beater”, wording the judge went on to rule was “substantially true”. During that trial, Depp’s former estate manager Kevin Murphy told a Gold Coast court that he was threatened to lie under oath about the dogs’ illegal entry to Queensland. Murphy said he warned Heard by email, phone and in person that she could not take the dogs down under because the relevant paperwork and permits were not complete, including arrangements for the mandatory 10-day quarantine. Heard’s former assistant Kate James also claimed the actor “deliberately smuggled the dogs into Australia” and acted as if “she was above the law”. Heard denied she asked anyone to lie on her behalf. Talk about High Fidolity!

Amber Heard and Pistol.

Mastiff & Commander

The Agriculture Department says it has been working with the Commonwealth Public Prosecutor on the Heard case for more than a year. So Strewth decided to sniff around and see how it was going. “We are unable to put a timeframe on the investigation and are not in a position to provide an estimate of costs,” a spokesman said. “The department cannot comment any further on an ongoing investigation.” Huh! How long does it take to investigate celebrity perjury? (Which, side note, sounds like a fantastic idea for a game show.) We hope Labor won’t let sleeping dogs lie (especially yappy yorkshire terriers) when the bovine boffins front up to give evidence to Senate estimates in two weeks.

Barnaby Joyce.

Mutt ado about nothing

The maximum penalty for perjury in Queensland? Fourteen years in jail. “Is the defence for perjury that you have got to be able to act?” Joyce zinged last year. “What is the point of having laws if they are not pursued?” No doubt retaliation for the time Heard said she was sending Joyce a box of New Zealand’s finest kiwi fruit – “assuming this passes his biosecurity laws” – to comfort him in his hour of dual citizenship need. Not to be outdone, Depp once said Joyce looked “inbred with a tomato”. To which Joyce replied: “I’m pulling little strings and pulling little levers. Long after I’ve forgotten about Mr Depp, he’s remembering me. I think I’m turning into Johnny Depp’s Hannibal Lecter.” When we reached him this week, Joyce was uncharacteristically tight-lipped. As was Agriculture Minister David Littleproud. What’s the end game here … another shot at Barnaby’s dream side gig of public executioner, perhaps?

To comfort Mr. Joyce in his hour need, I have sent him a box of New Zealand's finest kiwi fruit (assuming this passes his biosecurity laws) pic.twitter.com/lQHJzMyXT9

— Amber Heard (@realamberheard) August 15, 2017

The bone collector

Which led us to a biggest question — where are Pistol and Boo? After a quick scroll through Instagram, the last proof of life we found was a video of Pistol hanging out a car window with Heard, posted in May 2020. That said, there’s no way of knowing if it was contemporaneous. And there’s no sign of Boo at all. Instead, the 35-year-old’s social media has been consumed with the baby daughter she welcomed via a surrogate in April, called Oonagh Paige, and the upcoming Aquaman sequel she shot with Nicole Kidman, scheduled for release next year. Strewth sent an SOS to each of the actors’ lawyers asking if we needed to mount a True Crime podcast to find the furry friends. Tragically, we are yet to hear back. A low point of last year’s libel case was the mystery poo in the bed (not to be confused with Australia’s many poo joggers), which Depp blamed on “Amanda Turd”. Heard said she didn’t doo-doo it and blamed the bowel trouble on Boo, who ate a bag of Depp’s cannabis. Could that tall tail explain the lost fur-babies?

Don’t stop retrievin’

The divorced couple’s drawn-out legal battle has now moved across the Atlantic, with Depp recently granted permission to pursue a $US50m defamation suit against Heard. It revolves around a 2018 op-ed piece Heard wrote for the Washington Post about being a survivor of domestic violence and is due in court in April. One ugly incident took place at the sprawling Gold Coast mansion they rented from MotoGP world champion Mick Doohan back in 2015, which Heard described to a London court as a “three-day hostage situation” where Depp was “completely out of his mind”.

Pup Fiction

We can only hope Quentin Tarantino turns his auteur eye on the ap-paw-ling palaver and makes a motion picture about a Hollywood couple (who later divorce … and sue each other … with one claiming #MeToo and the other #CancelCulture), a bloodthirsty politician (who also later divorces … and is dumped as deputy prime minister … and exposed as a secret Kiwi … and starts a new family … only to win his old job back in a coup), and two yorkshire terriers (fate unknown). It would be called Au Revoir Dogs, obviously.

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