Welcome to the greatest royal scandal since the last one which, if we cast our minds all the way back to November, led to Prince Andrew sent to well, not Coventry but back to his 30-room home in the Windsor Estate where he will work on his golf game unencumbered by public service commitments while continuing to draw on his royal stipend.
For his sins and PR foolishness Andrew, who turns 60 on February 19, reportedly had his birthday party cancelled by the Queen proving once and for all that when your mum says you can’t have your birthday party, you know you’ve really messed up.
Unlike Prince Andrew in his plush naughty corner, Harry and Meghan have volunteered to leave. The Queen is said to be sad. Prince Charles is incandescent with rage, William furious and six-year-old Prince George baffled. Prince Phillip might be reaching for his shotgun. We can’t be sure.
For now it is enough to contemplate all manner of amusing fish out of water scenes associated with the Sussex’s journey to the mundane, including when Harry goes to the 7-11 to buy a phone card and encounters language difficulties with the local shop wallah, Meghan gets trapped in the freezer compartment at Tescos while trying to find the organic ice cream and Harry goes to his accountant only to be told he now has to pay tax.
John Hughes is probably working on a script right now.
Without wanting to be mean, I have to wonder what sort of employment opportunities would become available to the couple. Markle, who once appeared in an episode of CSI Miami, might make it as a greeter at Bunnings or could be an early walk off in I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.
And Harry alone will have to deal with the despair of the House of Windsor’s overriding genetic shortcoming, male pattern baldness.
It is definitely a more honourable way of opting out than the way Harry’s oldest uncle managed it but as in Andrew’s case, there are strings attached. The couple want to move in and see other families but have asked if they can continue to live in the really nice house, in their case, Frogmore House, a 10-bedroom country mansion just a quick sprint up the road in the Range Rover to Windsor Castle.
Frogmore is built on lands acquired by Henry VIII. Its grounds include the mausoleum where Queen Victoria and husband, Bertie rest. It goes without saying they would be rolling in their graves at what was going on, if they hadn’t been frozen in carbonite a la Han Solo.
Besides Frogmore, Harry and Meghan have also asked for the protective services provided by the UK Met, which has been described as a bit of effrontery until you realise the House of Windsor doesn’t pay for it anyway.
Media reports of Frogmore include phrases such as “recently renovated” as if Harry and Meghan put their hands out for a new kitchen and a new vanity in the bathroom. Frogmore was substantially renovated at a cost of $7 million. Work was completed in 1992. Interestingly, when the decorators came in, they stripped back the old wallpaper to discover murals painted by French decorative artist, Louis Laguerre. The restored artworks alone would be worth millions.
Most of us think of the Crown Estate as the odd castle here and there amid some verdant fields under Turner’s leaden skies. The Crown Estates is a property portfolio like no other. It was valued at $21 billion last year generating revenue of $677 million of which one quarter is given to the Queen. The cheque is cut by the Chancellor of the Exchequer in what’s called the Sovereign Fund which pays for the Queen’s and her family’s official work and maintains royal buildings.
On top of Buck Palace, Windsor Castle, Kensington, Sandringham and Balmoral which the Queen may need a visa to visit if Brexit gets out of hand, the Crown Estate contains the Savoy Hotel, Ascot Racecourse, all of Regent Street. There are 11 thousand hectares of forestry and 106,000 hectares of farmland.
More than half of the UK foreshore is owned by the Crown Estate, all of the seabed to the 22 nautical kilometre limit and sovereign rights over the seabed and its resources vested by the Continental Shelf Act, excluding oil, gas and coal.
Scottish fishermen have been paying the House of Windsor royalties for centuries. Unlike the general rules of intellectual property which expire with no royalties payable after fifty years (this explains why a lot of current advertisements now feature the hits of Motown), royal rights never exhaust. Rule Britannia, let’s have those credit card numbers, please.
Alexander the Great may have wept having no more lands to conquer but the House of Windsor muddles on.
Unable to define the proportions or gravity of the current regal contretemps, the UK media lurched to the extravagant, comparing Harry and Meghan’s decision to see other families akin to the abdication of Edward VIII who may or may not have been a Nazi but his wife sure liked how smart they looked in their uniforms.
I doubt it is as serious. In fact, it doesn’t seem to be very serious at all. Harry and Meghan are like any newlywed couple who want it all without having to endure any of the unpleasant stuff.
Their statement issued on Instagram, the celeb and quasi-celeb internet vehicle du jour, speaks of an intention to live their lives with the royal spotlight turned off with an accompanying downgrade of their regal celebrity status to just stock standard ordinary celebrity.
I almost feel sorry for them.
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The Duke and Duchess of Sussex want out.