A question for Cricket Australia: will you mandate for the fifth Ashes Test in Perth that players kneel in support of a movement that is sweeping the world? A cause that is powerful, noble, righteous, and just? A philosophy that entails wisdom, enlightenment, and truth-seeking? An ideology that dictates your actions, speech, and thoughts?
I refer of course to the BLM movement, otherwise known as “Be Like McGowan”, which honours the Western Australian Premier, guardian of the border, protector of the golden province, custodian of the minerals, and motormouth extraordinaire Mark McGowan.
Having fiercely proclaimed the right to shut out all non-West Australians from the state, his nibs has magnanimously decreed he will relax quarantine rules to allow the match to go ahead, notwithstanding the cricketers concerned will have only just come from playing in the Covid-ravaged state of NSW.
As he says, this match will be “terrific for morale” but disappointingly not all West Australians reacted in their usual effusive fashion. Shallow and selfish types accused McGowan of double standards, pointing out that plebs must quarantine for 14 days. Asked whether the relaxation of the rules would be extended to all travellers from Covid-affected areas he replied: “It’s subject to quarantine arrangements and bubbles”. In other words, fat chance.
But worry not those of you in WA denied the chance of reuniting with interstate relatives at Christmas. McGowan has a roadmap for the reopening of the state. To best explain how it works, allow me to use a cricket analogy from the delightfully irreverent Billy Birmingham of The Twelfth Man taking off the late commentator and Test captain Richie Benaud.
“Now, in these limited overs matches, the umpires have to decide how many overs are to be bowled if and when the rain should stop play. And that’s not all, they must also decide the new run rate required by the batting side, per the new number of overs to be bowled. And they do this by multiplying the number of balls bowled by the number of balls faced and dividing that by the average age of the batting side, minus the number of spanners in a Sidchrome tool kit.”
Admittedly that is a slightly unfair analogy. After all, the WA roadmap is far more complicated. But I digress. It is only right that Perth hosts the fifth Test. It should have been the venue for a Test match last year, but the mendacious NSW government thwarted that opportunity when it successfully fought to retain the Sydney Test during the Northern Beaches outbreak.
As the objective and measured West Australian reported in December 2020: “Cricket Australia’s bias towards the Eastern States has cost it the prospects of a safe and lucrative third Test against India at Perth’s Optus Stadium, according to WA Sport and Recreation Minister Mick Murray”. That organisation, the minister angrily declared, “only had itself to blame for its blinkered fixturing view and ignorance of WA’s award-winning new stadium”. The horror.
Coming to Perth for the final Test is only the first step in Cricket Australia’s atoning for this appalling slight, hence my suggestion its officials and players acquiesce in BLM WA-style. This could begin with a grovelling apology by interim chair Richard Freudenstein for affronting provincial sensibilities. “And may I congratulate your state on constructing a truly stupendous and award-winning new stadium, its ambience and character far exceeding anything the SCG or even the MCG can provide,” he might say. “This venue is testament to the financial and architectural vision of Premier McGowan, who bestows endless gifts to his people despite having to carry the eastern states.”
It is not as if this buttering-up of McGowan would be a first for the Test side. “If I could have the perfect case scenario to play India, we’d play every game in Perth ... I would love that, we would love that no doubt,” Australia head coach Justin Langer told The West’s The Fast and The Curious podcast in December 2020. “We’ve got a brilliant stadium and the WACA, we’ve got world-class facilities … I love what Mark McGowan has done because all my family and all the people I love in Perth ... are living this life which is so different than what most people around the world are living.”
That is quality toadying, although BLM requires not just obsequious gestures but downright sycophancy. If one is to pay homage to McGowan in the manner he demands, then one for an example need only look to the Premier himself and the comments he made at a China Australia Business Council event last month in celebration of Chinese National Day.
“It has been a large part of the economic success and the cultural success of our state and our country for 50 years, and in particular over the last two years,” said McGowan regarding trade with China. “Where would the country have been, but for our strong economic performance here in Western Australia? And I think that perhaps that needs to be better appreciated in the eastern states of Australia.” No doubt fellow guest and China Consul General Long Dingbin gave him a big ‘attaboy’.
The players too have a role in this protocol which goes beyond kneeling. “For me, BLM means ‘Bowl like McGowan,” vice-captain Pat Cummins could say. “His pep talk to us has given me increased confidence and vigour. He told me to imagine that he was the ball, and the wicket the federation of Australia.” (Apologies to the late Douglas Adams).
“For me, BLM means ‘Bloviate like McGowan’,” reads captain Tim Paine’s script. “Tedious and mentally draining as it was, I have memorised select passages from his numerous press conferences, particularly his incessant hectoring of the NSW Government. I will stand behind stumps and recite the leader’s bombastic drivel until the English batsmen can take no more,” he continues. “It’ll be a miracle if any last more than two overs, and it’ll be a case of them walking even before we appeal.
Sad , but as an Australian who lives in WA, he is spot on. @CaroDiRusso@ClayGolledge@GemmaTognini@G_Parker@Gary_Hardgrave@DanicaDeGiorgio@KaraleeKat@Peter_A_Kathttps://t.co/1rIeQ6rSjf
— Dr Joe (@drjoesDIYhealth) November 16, 2021
It is a challenging time for Cricket Australia, former chair Earl Eddings having resigned last month after losing the support of his NSW, Queensland, and WA counterparts. The infighting has been public and bitter, and the national and state bodies at loggerheads. Whoever becomes the new chair must be a unifier, skilled in diplomacy and rapprochement, have infinite wisdom, and one who prioritises the game ahead of petty provincial demands. “Chairman McGowan” has a ring to it. Thoughts?
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