Look, this might seem an odd thing to say but so far, coronavirus has been a bit of a disappointment.
The virus has been short on laughs and as far as we might have expected a little epidemiological justice, has yet to take down anyone who deserved it.
There have been some amusing moments, none finer than the travails of Dominic Cummings, the special adviser to Boris Johnson who, according to Durham Police, may have made a minor slip of the law when he clambered into his car and uttered the famous words, “It’s 30 miles to Barnard Castle, we’ve got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark and I might be legally blind.”
“Hit it.”
It was part of Cummings’ circumnavigation of the north east of England which he made during lockdown with his wife who had COVID-19 and their young son, who did not.
The Metropolitan Police today report they are struggling to impose lockdown rules in London as anyone they pull up, offers the excuse that if it is OK for Cummings to do as he pleases, it should be OK for them, too.
You have to admit it does have a compelling logic to it.
Alas, the British are learning what most of the world already knew - how horrible it is to be governed by the British.
But what of the world’s true troublemakers? There have been moments when we might have thought that for all of the death, disease and economic turmoil, the microscopic SARS CoV-2 mightn’t be all bad.
Just last month, North Korean Supreme leader, Kim Jong-un vanished into thin air, a difficult feat for most people and especially so for him as he touches the scales a good 50 kilos over his playing weight. He missed his grandad’s birthday which in North Korea is like the Ekka is in Brisbane.
Was the morbidly obese hamburger munching dictator having a long lie down with SARS CoV-2 swarming through his organs? Would it lead to the longest repose?
Watchers of the DPRK, had noted the Hermit Kingdom had declared itself free of coronavirus infection while reports emerged of panic buying in Pyongyang stores, which meant it had a big problem.
But just as we started scrolling through a short list of possible but unlikely successors, Jong-un emerged grinning, chatting and smoking a durry while cutting the ribbon on a new fertiliser plant in the south of the country. We know this because we saw the photograph of Jong-un doing just that while a gaggle of Korean Workers’ Party officials watched on slightly terrified that the scissors he was using were too small to cut through a half-metre wide ceremonial ribbon.
Jong-un managed to sever the bunting, to the relief of the flunkies and their families. It was back to the ghastly business of running the world’s most oppressive regime.
By any measure it was a failure of coronavirus to do the right thing.
Meanwhile in Chechnya, Putin lackey Ramzan Kadyrov disappeared from view for six days with an as yet unconfirmed dose of the virus. He was said to be putting his feet up in a Moscow Hospital. Call yourself a strongman, Ramzan? Arise from the gurney, yank those tubes out of your nostrils and show us what you’re made of.
For those who like to flip through the darker corners of Instagram, Kadyrov was a particular source of distraction. He could be seen stroking tigers, firing automatic weapons and cracking gags about extra-judicial killings. To be honest it had better entertainment value than the interminable foodie posts on Instagram but there was a distinctly unpleasant air about it.
In 2018, Kadyrov’s Insta disappeared altogether as a result of US sanctions. Sanctions it must be said not imposed by President Obama but by President Trump for Kadyrov’s long rota of human rights abuses, including the torture and murder of gay men.
As far as I can tell, Kadyrov is the only individual in the world to be punted from the Zuckerberg video and image posting site. It infuriated the Chechen psychopath so much that he sponsored the creation of an alternate Instagram site called Mylistory but for reasons that have not been adequately explained, his ‘What bloody mayhem I got up to on the weekend’ postings quickly came to a halt there, too.
And here he was missing in action for a full six days with reports indicating he was as crook as Rookwood and bound for the Grozny equivalent, feet first.
Just as we began to expect SARS-Cov-2 had performed something of a community service, Ramzan popped up at a presser yesterday. He was pale and had lost a few pounds, sure but there he was respiring without any mechanical assistance. He kept his right arm under a desk for most of the duration of the media question and answer, but his gesticulations ultimately got the better of him and a cannula hooked up to this right arm was spotted.
He may have staggered out of his sick bed but all signs point to him making a full recovery where he can torture and murder his countrymen although not post it on Instagram anymore.
Chalk up another failure up to coronavirus.
The infection rates coming in from sub-Saharan Africa must be questioned. Recorded cases seem too low. As an example ranked 110th in the world in terms of recorded cases of Covid is Equatorial Guinea with just 1043 recorded cases and only 12 deaths. EQ is run by President for Life Teodoro Obiang who is, for mine, the greatest monster in sub-Saharan Africa. This is saying something given the large and capable field.
Checking the EQ news, Obiang remains tragically in the vertical although promisingly has dismissed the need to wear a surgical mask when he’s out and about.
Obviously it is too much to ask the virus to dispatch the heavyweights like Putin, Xi Jinping or Ali Khamanei, but if we’re going to have a pandemic, can’t we expect it to at least knock over some of the world’s minor league barbarians?
Well, so far, no good but I live in hope.
By the way, does anyone know how old Raul Castro is?
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