You don’t have to admire Donald Trump to agree he always fills the room. If only by virtue of the massive disruption he has inflicted on trade, the world order and international relations, the US President is the most influential person on the planet. And, as a result of his preposterous grandiosity, probably the most famous. And, if you have the sense of humour required and are prepared to enjoy living dangerously, probably the most amusing, too.
In less than a week Trump and our Anthony Albanese may be alone together in the same room. In which case there will be only one man there.
Albo may well be a better human being than the Don. That wouldn’t be hard, but on the international stage our man lacks the swagger and authority of the other.
Perhaps that’s partly why we elected him, in which case Albo might say more about the state of politics in Australia than he says about himself.
If Albo meets Don at the G7 summit in Canada – which seems likely – it will be the ordinary up against the extraordinary, but no one will notice because it’s expected to be a private encounter, very much on the sidelines.
Were it broadcast live from Trump’s Oval Office Game Show Studio, the roasting would be terrible to see.
Unless the Don plays a trick and turns the encounter into a press conference, which Albo should definitely avoid, we can only imagine how this meeting will go.
“Tone, the truth is you guys just gotta spend more money on defending yourselves. You can’t expect us to do all the heavy lifting.”
“With respect, Mr President, we have just allocated $10bn more for defence across forward estimates.”
“Tone, that don’t amount to a hill of beans. I’ve just spent $997bn, and that’s the biggest and most beautiful weapons spend in the whole history of the world. That’s so much more money than the combined spend for the next nine countries on the list. Even the Chinese are spending only a third of what I do. But our allies, if they are really our allies, I dunno, sometimes I wonder, I really do, you gotta step up.”
“With respect, Mr President, we’ve already given you $9.4bn for AUKUS …”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a defence partnership between Australia, the UK and the US for us to get Virginia-class submarines sometime in the 2030s and …”
“Hell, Tone, I’ve never heard of it. Are you sure? Doesn’t seem like a great deal for you guys. World War III could be over by then. You gotta understand I’m the busiest guy in the history of the whole world and there’s a lot of – whaddya call ’em – acronyms to remember. But the only one that matters, one you guys need to remember, and that’s POTUS. Ya heard of that, Tone?
“Yes, Mr President, of course, but I also need to talk to you about tariffs …”
“It stands for President of the United States. That’s the most powerful man in the whole history of the world, Tone. And a great golfer, too. I make the time.”
“But the tariffs, Mr President, are …”
“Governor, what do you play off? You’re obviously not so busy, running such a small country. We should play a round. I’ve got some courses.”
“But, Mr President, could we talk about the tariffs you’ve imposed on our steel industry?”
“Tone, I get it, but see it my way. You guys are dumping steel on our market and putting decent people in Pittsburgh out of work. You can’t dump cheap steel on us and then ask for it back as Virginia-class submarines.”
“But we already paid …”
“Hold on, Governor. Just thinking about it, you’ve done a hell of a smart deal. And, Tone, I’m starting to like you. You’re starting to remind me of me.”
“Thank you, Mr President, that’s a great compliment. But what I wanted to explain is that we see the imposition of tariffs as not the action of a friend and we would like you to consider …”
(The President takes a phone call.)
“OK, Tone. That was Pete Hegseth. The Pentagon hears everything. He’s just told me something alarming. That you guys are spending as much on wheelchairs as you are on defence. That’s gotta be crazy given China is about to invade Taiwan, and you are in this fight with us. You gotta know wheelchairs won’t cut it against Chinese tanks and warships.”
“Mr President, I presume you mean our NDIS?”
“More damn initials, Tone. Never heard of it. But Pete googled me up some figures. You guys spend $55.7bn on defence this year and almost as much – what is it? – $52.3bn on wheelchairs. That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard, and you know I talk with some pretty way-out-there characters like Vladimir Putin and what’s his name, Little Rocket Man.
“But you Austrians, I dunno, you are really taking the cake here.”
“With respect, Mr President, I think you mean Australians.”
“Sure, Governor. Whichever. Great country. I really loved the movie.”
“What movie was that, Mr President?”
“The Sound of Music, Tone. I loved the bit where your guy threw another apple strudel on the barbie.”
Charles Wooley is a journalist who lives on the beach in Tasmania
More Coverage
No room for discussion as ABC dumps Q + A
The ABC is a conservative-free zone without one political conservative as a presenter, producer or editor for any of its main TV, radio or online news and current affairs outlets. How boring is that?
Spare us the warped reality of Greta’s Gaza aid boat stunt
What is more heroic; lounging on the hull of a boat in the scorching Mediterranean sun or risking your life to get food to hungry people?