Treasurer Jim Chalmers is so enamoured with his intellect he could well embark on a second PhD, writes The Mocker.
But what subject would be worthy of his scholarly talents? You guessed it.
Distinguished Professor Genevieve Bell
Vice-Chancellor
Australian National University
Dear Genevieve,
Research Proposal (Doctor of Philosophy)
It goes without saying that part of being a great Australian is to be generous in giving credit to those who helped realise one’s greatness.
On that note, and while reflecting on my many accomplishments, I recently gave thought to how I could honour my old alma mater. Just imagine the ANU’s reputational boost if a serving federal treasurer were to complete a PhD there.
I know what you are thinking. Something along the lines of “Oh, but Dr Chalmers, you already have a PhD from the ANU!” And of course you would be correct. That dissertation, ‘Brawler statesman: Paul Keating and prime ministerial leadership in Australia,’ is a matter of public record.
But that was 20 years ago. I was young, idealistic, and impressionable. At the time I completed that work, Paul was regarded by many as Australia’s greatest treasurer. All I will say is that was then.
I admit to having the irrits bigtime with my former idol. Writing a lengthy paean in Paul’s honour was a great effort, and I was entitled to expect he would be chuffed or at the very least refrain from criticising my performance in office. Instead Paul has been telling industry figures that my plan to raise taxes on super has got hairs all over it.
But enough of Paul. It is time my scholarly skills progress from the masterful to the magisterial. My research proposal calls for a new subject to galvanise political science students who aspire to take charge of the country’s finances but do not possess so much as an undergraduate degree in economics.
What better idea for this than an in-depth assessment of yours truly by yours truly?
My proposed methodology is straightforward, although the process will be exhaustive. I intend interviewing the many key figures who had a role, however small, in nurturing my formidable intellect.
I am already set to go with questions. “How long after meeting me did you first become aware of my brilliance?” I will ask, as well as “Looking back, how does it feel to have played a part in raising one who would become Australia’s greatest treasurer?” and “Given I remade capitalism itself, at what point should I rebrand the Australian dollar ‘The Chalmer’?”
This exercise will not be without challenges. For starters, how can I possibly list all my amazing achievements, given I have a 100,000-word limit? I will have to think about that.
Some of the interviewees in this project will also be a challenge, particularly former treasurer Wayne Swan.
I stress he was a terrific mentor. But I fear when sitting down with Wayne for this project he will only want to talk about his brilliance instead of my brilliance.
This calls for tact. I will reinforce to Wayne that it was brilliant of him to appoint me as his chief of staff in 2010.
He recognised I was an economic wunderkind. But Wayne has to understand he has mere flashes of brilliance, whereas I am the supernova of brilliance.
It will be a notable absence, but under no circumstances will I interview former prime minister Kevin Rudd for this study.
Kevin hates me because I denounced him on Wayne’s behalf during the leadership turmoils of the Gillard government.
As bad luck would have it, Kevin returned as prime minister after that.
In his biography, he indiscreetly reveals I rushed to Canberra and repeatedly burst into tears in the prime ministerial suite as I pleaded for preselection in Rankin.
This account is misleading, and I intend setting the record straight in my second PhD. It is true I was utterly distraught at the thought of missing out on preselection. But my teary outburst had nothing to do with personal ambitions.
Instead I was contemplating the terrible prospect of Australia without me as treasurer. I still get weepy thinking about what my absence would have meant for the economy (so too do many Australians I am told).
I am undecided as to the title of this project. Initially I came up with ‘The genius of Jim Chalmers: philosopher treasurer’. I really like the alliteration, but on reflection it would mean not including my academic title, and that is unacceptable. I would welcome your suggestions as to an alternative (let me be clear though that if some joker christens it ‘Bawler statesman’, our arrangement is off the table).
Much of this work will focus on my far-sighted and innovative revenue reforms, particularly my plan to impose a new super tax from July 1, including on unrealised capital gains, at a doubled rate of 30 per cent on earnings from super balances above $3m.
As I said recently through a spokesperson, these changes are about “making our superannuation system fairer.”
This is self-evident. My refusal to index the threshold is about fairness, you see. It is also fair that select politicians, senior public servants, and judges will receive favourable treatment under these measures.
And it is fair those in defined benefit schemes can defer paying that tax indefinitely, whilst those in self-managed super funds will have to cough up every year, even if it means having to sell their fund assets to do so.
But I am not afraid of scrutiny. On this issue and as part of my study I will interview representatives from The Australia Institute, ABC alumni, the Guardian, The Grattan Institute, the Australian Fabian Society and, of course, GetUp. I will also go on Q+A and conduct a straw poll. How is that for canvassing a wide range of views on my reforms?
Lastly, I do appreciate it is highly unusual for a PhD candidate and topic to be one and the same. In order to dispel potential concerns and remain objective as I prepare this thesis, I will refer to myself in the third person at all times.
Yours sincerely,
Dr Jim Chalmers
Treasurer of Australia
P.S. Try not to get too excited, but one day I plan to come back to do a third PhD, this time regarding Australia’s greatest prime minister – watch this space!
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