This week the Mocker muses on the lot of a school counsellor at Canberra primary school.
Re: Anthony Albanese
This report details my recent counselling session with Anthony, a Grade 1 student who complains of being ostracised by Donald, a fellow student.
Background:
Anthony has been a student at this school since kindergarten. He is a child of average intelligence, although he has experienced challenges regarding his attention to detail and communication skills.
He also has numerous behavioural issues which quickly became apparent after he started school. He has a set against students who spend their hard-earned pocket money at tuckshop, saying he wants to “fight” them (that said his bravado manifests itself only when he has numbers on his side).
Although boisterous and outspoken when he is with like-minded individuals, he is easily led, particularly by his classmate Penny. In kindergarten he was smitten with a former student, Jacinda, whom he would follow around like a puppy dog.
Anthony is prone to embellishing stories and telling outright untruths about his personal circumstances, particularly to distract from his failings at school. He frequently blames others when asked why he has not completed his homework. His failure to take responsibility for his actions is a major impediment to his development.
Issue:
Last week, Anthony accepted an invitation to a birthday party as one of seven guests, one of whom is Donald. Anthony was eager to attend as he wants to be friends with him, and he made it known to the hosts that he wanted to hang out with Donald.
Unfortunately, Donald left the party early and without even acknowledging Anthony’s presence. On top of that, Donald made it known that he had personally rung all the other guests, except for Anthony, to apologise for having to leave early.
Anthony was crestfallen. He feels humiliated because word of his snubbing has circulated among his fellow first-graders, some of whom have openly teased him.
I asked Anthony whether there was any reason he could think of for Donald treating him so and whether he himself had contributed to Donald’s actions. He was adamant there was none.
Discussion:
As I have mentioned, these denials are a pattern of behaviour. I reminded Anthony that when he was in kindergarten, he had taken a strong dislike to a fellow student, Scott, then a friend of Donald. Attempting to embarrass and unsettle Scott, Anthony repeatedly and publicly said bad things about Donald.
At that time Anthony was trying to win the approval of Xi, a fellow student who also disliked Scott. Like Donald and unlike Anthony, Xi can handle himself in the rough-and-tumble of the playground. Anthony figured he could enjoy the rewards of being Xi’s sidekick.
He has miscalculated badly. If anything, Xi is contemptuous of Anthony’s ingratiating manner, openly referring to him as “Handsome Boy’ and threatening to dunk his head in the toilet bowl. Only now does Anthony realise it was a mistake to deride Donald, although he refuses to concede that fact.
He faces a dilemma. Both he and Donald have been invited to another party this week. Anthony desperately hoped this time Donald will see fit to talk to him. But he worries, with good reason, that Donald will again ignore him. He says he could not cope with another playground jeering when he returned, oblivious to the fact he has done the same many times to others with gusto.
Anthony has instead decided his friend Richard will go in his place to the party. But this solves one dilemma only to create another. Anthony fears that Donald will openly greet Richard and make a big show of chatting amiably with him. Although Anthony considers Richard a friend, he thinks he would return from the party with “a big head” and tell everyone at school he is much better than him at dealing with Donald.
Observations:
Counselling Anthony has proved both challenging and frustrating from my perspective. For example, when I point out to him what he said about Donald, he simply says “I didn’t say that”, even when presented with evidence of his doing so.
When asked a probing question, he tries to fob me off. When I ask a follow-up question to have him clarify his answer, he becomes agitated, saying “You’ve had your question”. He accuses me of “always writing bad stuff” about him.
Having had enough of his stonewalling tactics, I asked Anthony why he came to see me in the first place, given he does not appreciate my advice. In response, he said he wanted me to tell Donald to be nice to him.
I told Anthony I could not force Donald to be friends with him, but that perhaps he could demonstrate somehow to the latter that he has values and could be a worthwhile ally. Anthony suggested in response he could show Donald his Medicare card. Need I say anything more about Anthony’s self-awareness?
Despite my misgivings, I did approach Donald later to ask him whether he could at least acknowledge Anthony, if only occasionally.
Donald responded simply by saying “Who?”.
Conclusion:
I see no point in having follow-up sessions with Anthony. I would be wasting my time.
For example, at the completion of our session I tried to finish on a positive. I told Anthony he will be a better person if he can learn from his mistakes in this affair. His response was to insist he had made no mistakes and that I was being “negative”.
For all his artfulness and confidence, Anthony has no idea of how to negotiate challenging relationships. His priorities consist of cheap shots and petty pointscoring.
He just cannot get it into his head that his actions have consequences and that they will reverberate far beyond the narrow confines of Canberra primary school.
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