Anthony Albanese’s congratulatory phone call to US President Donald Trump

"I think it’s a good idea for me not to get close to the Australian prime minister. Not while you’re in the chair, that is."

The Mocker gets the (hypothetical) good oil on how Anthony Albanese’s phone call to US President Donald Trump played out.

White House operator: Putting you through to the President now, Prime Minister. You’re connected.

Albanese: Gidday Don!

Trump: Good day, Prime Minister.

Albanese: No need for formality, Don, we’re mates. You know my nickname, don’t you?

Trump: Good day, Handsome Boy.

Albanese: No, Albo.

Trump: Good day, Airbus Albo.

Albanese: No, that’s never been —

Trump: Tennis Albo?

Albanese: It’s not Tennis Albo. It’s not Handsome Boy. It’s not Airbus Albo. It’s just four letters. First letter ‘A’ —

Trump: You seriously want me to call you that? Okay, good day to you —

Albanese: Not that one! On second thoughts, let’s stick with formality. I rang to congratulate you on your inauguration. I can’t tell you how happy my government and I are to be working with you.

Trump: Happy? You sent Penny Wong and Kevin Rudd to the inauguration. You would have thought by the look of them they were the Ceausescus learning of their fate. How about next time you send someone with a personality?

Albanese: Don’t worry, Mr President. We know how to have a good time here. On that note, I’m officially inviting you to Australia for a state visit.

Trump: When?

Albanese: I’m thinking October, a few months after we have the election. I’d be honoured if you and Melania dined with us at my official residence.

Trump: At the NSW Central Coast?

Albanese: What? No, the Lodge in Canberra.

Trump: Well, you did say after the election.

Albanese: I’m still going to be PM, Mr President. There’s no way voters want Peter Dutton to run the country.

Trump: Why not?

Albanese: He has terrible traits. He’s arrogant. He’s blunt. He’s brash. He’s not a career politician. He hates big government. He wants to reduce taxes.

Trump: Clearly, I’m missing something.

Albanese: He’s always railing against identity politics. He’s thuggish. He went out of his way to deport visa-holders convicted of serious offences. He wants to reduce government spending and retrench thousands of public servants. And he’s a hawk on China.

Trump: When do we get to the terrible traits part?

Albanese: Mr President, I’m saying I’d be much better than Dutton in working with you.

Trump: Yes, I heard you told Australians that. The word ‘presumptuous’ comes to mind.

Albanese: But Mr President, you and I could have a great relationship, don’t you reckon?

Trump: Let me take you back to Joe Biden’s inauguration. As opposition leader, you chose that date to give a speech castigating Scott Morrison for his relationship with me. You said he was “pandering” to me and “those who follow him in Australia.”

Albanese: Well, you have to look at this in context. I wasn’t —

Trump: You also said: “Morrison went too far — partly out of his affinity with Donald Trump, partly because of the political constituency they share.” Taking a leaf out of Hillary’s “deplorables” book, were we?

Albanese: I didn’t mean it like that. I —

Trump: You singled me out a dozen times during that speech. Another one: “Trump sought to undermine the democratic process.”

Albanese: But I wasn’t so much criticising you as —

Trump: Right, I was just your punching bag because you wanted to score points against Morrison. And you were brown-nosing to Biden. You said his inauguration, in your words, “represents a triumph of hope over fear, common purpose over division.”

Albanese: Mr President, I promise you I will have words with my speechwriter and make sure this never happens —

Trump: Not only did you badmouth me, but your pick for ambassador said I was a “traitor to the West” and a “village idiot.” And you have the nerve to say Morrison damaged the US/Australia alliance?

Albanese: Well, I’m not responsible for what Kevin says, and —

Trump: You know what? You may be right in one respect.

Albanese: I am?

Trump: You’ve convinced me. I think it’s a good idea for me not to get close to the Australian prime minister. Not while you’re in the chair, that is. In fact, I’ll make it obvious to everyone that I’m keeping you at a distance. How do you like them apples?

Albanese: Mr President, surely you don’t mean —

Trump: I’m thinking you could do with the Trudeau treatment. How does a 25 per cent tariff sound?

Albanese: But — but surely you won’t do this. The US is our closest international ally!

Trump: Really? Your trade minister, Don Farrell, told parliament just a year ago, “I’m not sure that the United States is our most trusted ally.” And he then added: “Our closest international ally is New Zealand.”

Albanese: I’m not responsible for what Don says —

Trump: Remind me, what good is your government as an ally?

Albanese: Mr President, we are your partner in the Pacific, and only a Labor government will ensure this country continues to punch above its weight —

Trump: What percentage of GDP do you spend on your military?

Albanese: We spend — off the top of my head, I can’t tell you.

Trump: That doesn’t surprise me. The figure is 1.99 per cent. That’s less than what NATO freeloader nations spend on their defence budget. But hey, you’re going to be a renewable energy superpower, aren’t you? That’s according to your buddy Chris Bowen, who also wrote that I was a “charlatan.”

Albanese: I’m not responsible for what Chris —

Trump: Here we go again. What exactly are you responsible for?

Albanese: Well, I’m responsible for what I say —

Trump: Speaking of that, what’s this about you telling a panel discussion that I “scare the shit” out of you?

Albanese: Well, I wasn’t responsible for that particular forum. I just happened to be at the Splendour in the Grass festival, and —

Trump: You were at the what?

Albanese: The Splendour in the Grass festival, and I —

Trump: Splendour in the Grass? How old are you?

Albanese: That was in 2017. I was only 54 then!

Trump: We’re done here, but let’s just say you’re constantly in my thoughts, Prime Minister. Take that as you will.

Albanese: But you told me that we had the “perfect relationship” when we spoke earlier. What happened?

Trump: I said we had the perfect relationship with Australia. I didn’t say I had the perfect relationship with you.

Albanese: But Mr President, I’m a great admirer from way back. I even read your book The Art of the Deal.

Trump: I’m flattered. I’m sure you too one day could write a book about your skillset.

Albanese: Great idea! Any thoughts about a title?

Trump: Yes indeed. The Art of the Dill.