ABC Life hits a new high on the wokeness scale

What costs taxpayers about $1.1 billion dollars a year, employs 4,500 people, is governed by a legislated charter and a truckload of rules, worries about climate change, dresses to the green Left and is concerned about your orgasms?

Yes indeed, it’s your ABC — so lie back and think of your national broadcaster.

Let’s have a look at ABC Life, what Aunty calls a “new digital storytelling project created to reach new audiences in an innovative and engaging way”.

It provides advice on food, money, travel, style, family, work, well-being, sex and relationships.

Some attention came its way last year when former Junkee political editor and former Greens candidate Osman Faruqi was appointed Life’s deputy editor, just when the ABC was cutting 20 jobs elsewhere, apparently to be “fully fit for the modern media environment”.

So what does this “modern media environment” look like, you ask?

This month we saw: “From Aladdin to Breakfast at Tiffany’s, is it OK to keep watching problematic old films?”

And: “How do we reconcile the fact that our child or teenage self didn’t pick up on blatant sexism, racism or homophobia?”

What fun these ABC Life people must be, judging every old movie or song on a current wokeness indicator.

Last month, ABC Life told us it was “time to close the masturbation gap”.

Yes, you heard correctly, the public broadcaster has finally got me to say ABC and masturbation in the same sentence.

Apparently, Life tells us, only one in every four women is masturbating regularly, and our national broadcaster has hang-ups about that. “Blame the patriarchy … and religion”, it wanks on.

Also last month, this story was produced: “Why we get earworms and how to shake them off”.

Helpfully, the author explained: “Although not literally worms, the process of having a song stuck in your head affects most of the population.”

And here I was thinking they were like tapeworms, only louder.

Just a month earlier Life got into fantasies, and no, they weren’t referring to ABC election predictions.

“Faking orgasms could be contributing to the orgasm gap” was the alarming spin.

“Men, this is where you can help by being open to honest feedback,” we were told.

Well, we’re here to help, I think, but all that’s a big step up from the gender pay gap.

We’ve also had: “I fell in love with my hairdresser” which makes this site look like a trashy supermarket magazine.

And this week they asked the tough questions about urinating.

“You’re racing out the front door, when you stop and ask yourself: ‘Should I go to the toilet now, so I don’t have to worry about it later?’ Do you head back inside to the loo? Or keep walking?”

I can assure you, this is what they published. This is your tax dollars at work.

They have even given us the incredible health news that if you don’t drink you don’t have hangovers and that makes being a morning person a lot easier. Now that’s sobering information, isn’t it?

We asked the ABC what specific part of their Charter these articles are intended to meet, what the site cost and how many people it employed.

They said their Charter demands a mix of programs and content of wide appeal and specialised interest.

They didn’t give us anything on staffing or budgets but claimed the overwhelming majority of their audience is satisfied with the content and believes it fits with the ABC.

But why are taxpayers dollars spent on generating more of the dross that is available everywhere else, online, anytime, for free?

Isn’t the ABC supposed to use our money to improve the quality of information available, to provide something we would not otherwise have?

This looks for all the world like the ABC playing with itself at our expense.

Editor's note: An earlier version of this article incorrectly said Osman Faruqi was a former BuzzFeed employee. He worked for Junkee.