Six cool sports that don’t require you to break a sweat

SIX of the best sports you can play without taking the trouble to break into a sweat.

Last Call

IN another world exclusive, The Deal today announces the world’s six greatest sports.

As you’d expect, our judging panel ruled out superficialities like the number of people playing or watching and has gone for the sports with the best clothes, the least effort, the smallest capital outlay and the best looks. You see when men and women reach a certain age they reach out for Lycra, raccoon-lined parkas, Burberry riding boots or black, lime and yellow T20 cricket shirts. It helps if you are at a certain income level because most midlife, middle-class fantasies don’t come all that cheap. Immediately, for obvious reasons, the judges were able to ignore swimming, beach volleyball, boxing, skating, underwater dominoes and wrestling (particularly Greco — Roman). Here’s our countdown to the top six:

6. Cycling

Now the problem with cycling is no matter what gear you are wearing you can’t just hobble in (bike cleats are a bugger to walk on) to trendoid cycle cafes like the Paddington Grind or Collingwood’s Allpress Espresso and expect to be part of the scene. No, you need to wheel a bike up outside. Not just any bike. Buy carbon fibre, it’s lighter to carry from home. A 2014 Giant TCX Advanced 1 Cyclocross from Melbourne’s CBD Cycles is under $4000 or a Cronus CX Pro from Sydney’s Clarence St Cyclery will look nearly as good for around $2000. Getting to the serious bits: If you are a traditional urbanite you need to own either the Castelli Climbers FZ jersey in a subtle flouro yellow and black ($150) or the Assos SS. Cento in red, black and white for $280. Match with the Assos lady’s bib short ($263) or the Mavic Red Rock MTB short ($130). Shoes have to be the bright-yellow Giro Factor road ($300). All from The Bicycle Entrepreneur in Perth. But to really hit the heights of cycling hipsterdom go Rapha. Created by London’s Simon Mottram 10 years ago, Rapha gear makes you look what It’s All About the Bike author Rob Penn, calls “bella in sella”, or looking good in the saddle, even when you are sitting on the coffee-shop stool. Brad Pitt and Brad Wiggins wear Rapha, so why don’t you? Just buy the pink or bright blue, long-sleeve Pro Team jersey for $250.

5. Snow skiing

The good part about skiing/snow boarding/ luge/cross country/ski jumping and wok racing is that you don’t have actually go out in the cold or buy any capital equipment like skis, boards or woks. Just wait until 4.30pm, put on your Bogner Melana-D jacket, $2500 from larryadler.com, your $200 Tecnica Savana Moon Boots (still in fashion 44 years on), throw some snow on your Charles Muller knit fur pompom beanie ($250) and head on up for a few apres ski cocktails at Thredbo’s Apres Bar or Mount Buller’s Snow Pony. Let’s forget tradition. No hot toddys or Jagerbombs, go straight to the Snowballs (Grey Goose Vodka, Kahlua, heavy cream topped with a scoop of foamed milk) or the judges’ personal favourite the Espresso Martini.

4. Cricket

Many people, well more than three quarters of the world, don’t get cricket. More than three quarters of Australians probably don’t get it either but are too scared to admit it. Cricket’s popularity has nothing to do with balls, bats and wickets but the fact that in 1977 Kerry Packer allowed colour into the game. Admit it. You’ve always wanted to wear a Mambo loud shirt (Lost Weekend or Jesus Cycle) to Adelaide’s Mesa Lunga Sangria y Pintxos Bar but you’ve been too embarrassed. Put on cricket’s equivalent, the gold, yellow and starred ODI home shirt ($120) or the very blue Adelaide Strikers men’s shirt for $115 with your name on it and you’re too cool for school.

3. Horse riding

Polo is too expensive. You have to spend at least $35,000 to get a smelly horse that often bites or kicks the hand that feeds it. But looking equestrian is relatively cheap. Start with the Burberry polished metal buckle riding boots ($1250), slip on the Ralph Lauren Blue Label Palermo Hudson twill jodhpurs ($400), the Zara Phillips synergy jacket ($200) and load the Hermes saddle ($10,000) in the back of the Range Rover and no-one at the Yarra Valley Polo Club will know the difference.

2. Motor racing

Steve McQueen, James Dean, Eric Bana, Mark Webber, Danica Patrick. All the epitome of cool. How do you get that look without getting your hands dirty? You could spend $3500 a race to hire a car or $50,000 to buy something competitive but before you could put pedal to the metal you would be forking out for lessons, licences, medical tests, clothing and dry cleaning. Given how much you’re saving, far better to give Racedeal.com’s Nathan Stephens, supplier to the stars, $12,000 to fit you out in the best, most expensive schmutter to make you look like a racer rather than a cheap schmuck. For an air of mystery, walk into your next costume party at the Yacht Squadron with your helmet on. Warning: do not enter your bank the same way. Bankers have no humour. Since most F1 drivers can only be recognised by their helmet paint you could be mistaken for anyone. $6000 without paint will do it. Price includes a bulletproof visor, good for the bank. Couple with the $75 stretch Nomex balaclava for full effect. Nomex underwear’s small capillary lines pump a cold-water solution to keep drivers cool in the hot cockpit (sorry couldn’t resist it) for $999. Then you’ll need a customised race suit. Nathan made me a copy of Steve McQueen’s from Le Mans. $3500 gives you Steve cool. Finally, buy a permanent marker pen for all of those autographs.

1. Putt putt

Truly the world’s most underestimated global sport. Wear the most outlandish clothes you can put together and they will still be subtle compared to your fellow mini-golfers. Minimum outlay, maximum idiocy. Sports heaven.