Miami’s drug money has made it the nightclub and sex party capital of the US

DRUG money has transformed Miami from a retirement village into the nightclub, sex party and glamour capital of the US.

DEAL-20150220 Miami Pic : Thinkstock

IT’S always best when arriving in a new city to try and fit in and not draw attention to oneself as a tourist.

That’s why, when I arrived in Miami, I hired the black, with big yellow racing stripes, Hertz Penske Mustang GT ($220 a day). Of course I could have bought the actual 1986 Ferrari Testarossa ($1.8 million) as driven by Sonny Crockett (Don Johnson) but that would have been too extravagant. So instead I let designer stubble grow, bought the black Armani T-shirt ($120), white-linen Prada jacket and pants ($1900), Raparo moccasins ($400), no socks, of course, and Original Wayfarer Classic sunnies ($200). Naturally the jacket is to cover the Galco Jackass Holster Rig ($220) with the Smith & Wesson 4506 ($600). The Galco Rig allows a faster and more natural grasp on the spare magazines when reloading, compared to the more common magazine positioning. But, as you would know, it is essential to have your jacket sleeves rolled up to allow easy access to your S & W problem solver.

Miami might be in the continental United States, but it is not an American city. If you don’t speak English you will feel quite at home. Then again if you can’t speak English why are you reading this? Seventy per cent of the population is Hispanic or Latino, and most of them speak Spanish at home. Less than 25 per cent of Miami residents talk about their day in English and the rest chat away in Creole French, French, Arabic, Portuguese, Italian, Greek, Chinese and Norwegian (no, I don’t know why either).

But the biggest religion in Miami is superficiality. It’s so superficial it is amazing. Let’s say you’re thinking breast augmentation. No better man to go to than Moscow-born Dr Leonard M Hochstein down on 585 NW 161st Street. Len is known in the trade as “The Boob God”. Luckily he does provide financing options for the $7000 procedure. Don’t worry. Your assets are in top hands. Lennie does 750 a year. Len can also look after your facelifts, liposuction, Mommy Makeovers, and tummy tucks. As Len says “your outward appearance should be a reflection of how you feel inside”.

What about Andre Balazs’ The Standard Spa? Before Andre it was the Lido Spa and the only thing hip about it was the number of guests needing replacements of the things on top of their thigh bones. The Standard now has more hipsters eating in the garden by the water or lounging by the pool than there is spherification in one of their Dirty Martinis. The rooms are small and original. On the ground floor they are made to look hip and hot by having white shower curtains on rings in front of the door ($346 a night).

South Beach or, as we call it down here SoBe, is the art deco, posing, walking around with a python on your shoulders, tanning, expensive drinking and eating and mood-altering substance capital of the world. If you haven’t had some work done, don’t drive a Rolls-Royce Phantom Drophead Convertible ($550,000), or a Bentley Convertible GTV8S ($270,000) or a Porsche 911 ($100,000) then you’re invisible.

Drugs and the Bee Gees made a big difference to Miami in the 1980s and not just in Miami Vice. Seventy per cent of the all the marijuana and cocaine imported into the US came in through the city. The city changed from a sleepy retirement village to the nightclub, sex party and glamour capital of the US. Maurice Gibb Park tells you how big the boys were here. Cuban drug dealers didn’t get a park named after them but they made Mercedes Benz the car for cocaine cowboys. If you were up the food chain like José Medrano Alvero Cruz you were driven in a Roller. But Ocean Drive’s colourfully painted art deco hotels owe their shades to the Miami Vice producers who wanted them anything but white.

If you can just accept the place as Universal Studios for potential adults then Miami is magic. Jean-Georges Vongerichten’s Matador Room in the Edition Hotel has magnificent food in a magnificent historic circular room. Casa Tua is part club, restaurant and bar in what looks like a Tuscan Villa. The Miami Art District has world-class exhibitions and galleries and the Miami Design District is part Louis Vuitton part Paddys. And, unusually for America, the coffee is almost Australian standard. If you don’t like 11 million miles of beach, the islands that form a storm barrier to the city are a paddle board paradise and if you don’t like water there are 800 art deco buildings.

There are two famous Miami residents. Ern Hemingway (his house is open in Key West) and Jimmy Buffett. Jimmy got it right when he wrote: “Everybody’s got a cousin in Miami, everybody understands the impromptu dancing in the heat to the beat, that turns your clothing clammy, everybody needs to have a dream come true.”

He also wrote, “Why don’t we get drunk and screw?”