How to avoid being frazzled while on holiday this Christmas
SOME do’s and don’ts to take the frazzle out of your much-needed vacation.
BY now you’re planning your Christmas holidays. But you’ve tried all the websites, the books, the TV shows and the annoying friends and you still haven’t found the sort of travel tips that make it worth hopping on the long silver cigar with 200 potential carriers of Ebola. Once again its The Deal to the rescue with 10 seriously weird thoughts that may transform your break or, then again, put you off travel forever.
1. Never ever go through Los Angeles International Airport: The central complex has nine passenger terminals. The one you want to avoid is Tom Bradley International. Yes, they are spending over $2 billion on it including a great hip, modern Californian, Westfield shopping experience, but you know the old “putting lipstick on a pig” saying? So far no amount of cosmetic work has changed the mammoth lines and the attitude of the immigration persons at the world’s sixth busiest plane park.
2. Never go through Manila’s Ninoy Aquino Airport: As sleepinginairports.net, which ranked it the world’s worst airport terminal, says, “Earlier this year, some bad press regarding the state of the airport made airport officials promise to clean its Terminal 1 toilets and provide running water and soap. In May, a ceiling at Terminal 1 caved in.”
3. Never land at Scotland’s Barra Airport: The Boston Globe rates it the world’s scariest. “If you’re landing on this Scottish island, which is frequented by tourists, you better hope it’s at low tide. That’s because the airport’s beach runways are underwater at high tide.” However, I award landing at Wellington, New Zealand, the butt-clincher of the year. Having done it in everything from a single-engined Cessna to a Boeing 737, it’s easy to see why the local airline pilots association says Wellington does not meet international safety recommendations that represent best international aviation safety practice. Or as a Wellingtonian woman said to me last month on a very bumpy approach, “What are you worried about, no one else is screaming?”
4. Best value airline: Turkish Airline’s new business class is good old-fashioned first class at a budget price. The seats are side by side but they turn into super comfortable lie-flat beds. There’s a real chef on board and more great food than you can poke a dolma at. Before you board the plane in Constantinople stop by the two-storey Turkish Airlines lounge where there are free billiards, Apple Macs, booze and even more food. Warning: Do not buy a seat on one of their old business-class planes.
5. Most improved airline: Who would have thought American Airlines would have turned up with a really good first class (for a US carrier)? AA’s Los Angeles-New York flights used to be famous for hot cookies and milk, the Sky Mall mag and crook seats and service. Now, if you fly a 777 to Gotham, you get a suite so you don’t have to talk to anyone except yourself and the amenities pack.
6. Holiday at the Mayo Clinic, Rochester: This will be the best two days you ever spend in your life. For $15,000 you get every part of your body photographed, a specialist to look into every orifice, a pathologist to examine more of your blood than Uma Thurman drew in Kill Bill, more reports on your inner workings than a thermometer has degrees and an assessment at the end (and of your end) that will probably save your life. The Mayo in Minnesota is no ordinary blood bin. Made up of nine famous architect-designed buildings, the not-for-profit Mayo is an integrated medical facility that ranks among the best in the US in just about every speciality. It also has the best art collection of any big hospital with Warhols, Rodins, and Miros next to the “don’t spit on the floor” signs.
7. Holiday at the world’s best-kept-secret hotel: Just say you’ve spent the last two years or so between nappy valley and corporate HQ balancing your work. Real people know there is no life in work-life balance. To avoid appearing on the front page of the Herald Sun in handcuffs with a blanket over your head, you need to get away. There is no better place than the small hotel where the Rolling Stones, Joan Miro, Georges Braque, Marc Chagall and Yves Montand used to stay. Ex-Stone Bill Wyman had his wedding reception there and lives nearby. Run by the same family since it started in the 1920s, La Colombe d’Or is 18km up the hill from Nice. You’ll pay between $300 and $700 a night for unbelievable food, incredibly warm service, and apartments that are as far away from what you think is a hotel room as Paris is from Geelong. Warning: do not go at the height of the tourist season.
8. Avoid severe blackouts and medium-term memory loss: There are recent anecdotal reports of men over 60 having some pretty nasty episodes the day after 20-plus hours of flying. London to Melbourne will do it for you. Best guess is a combination of stress and dehydration are the cause. Best way to avoid these not-so-welcome frequent flyer benefits is to drink water, not wine, on the plane and don’t have a huge night when you first get home.
9. Uber rules in Sydney, Los Angeles and New York: In my experience it’s no yet so great in cities like Melbourne (not enough cars) and London (black cabs are so good). In mid-town Gotham in peak hour you can usually pick up an Uber in five minutes. In Los Angeles its about 10 minutes but they are all entertaining would-be writer-producers and acting persons. In the US the tips are included so nothing could be simpler.
10. Drive your dream car: There has to be some redeeming feature of taking the kiddies to Harry Potter World in Orlando or Stonehenge in Wiltshire. Hertz have answered your prayers. For not much more than the price of a half double decaffeinated half-caf, with a twist of lemon in South Yarra, you can drive your loved ones around in a Ferrari, Porsche 911, Lamborghini in the US or a Bentley, Aston Martin or Range Rover in the UK. I drove a very bright yellow 480kW Corvette Stingray very slowly for a day around Malibu, Beverly Hills and Pasadena. My Amex hurt by $800 but my first-world problems eased loudly away.
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