Travel broadens the mind

HOLA amigos. Do you know where I am at this very moment? Guess. I bet you can't guess. I'm in Espana. On holiday.

Illustration: Sturt Krygsman

HOLA amigos. Do you know where I am at this very moment? Guess. I bet you can't guess. I'm in Espana. On holiday.

That's right I'm living it up in the Spanish seaside village of San Sebastian while you lot are freezing in another Australian winter.

Would you like me to send you a postcard? I'll send you a postcard. And I have a travel blog, too. Do you want the address? I'll email you my blog address. Would you like me to buy you a present? I'll buy you some Spanish cava. Did you know that cava is like champagne, but they can't call it champagne because of the French, so they call it cava?

See how sophisticated I have become; that's what happens when you travel -- you learn so much.

What is the point of an Australian going on an overseas holiday if there is no opportunity to go on and on about it to other people? That's why we still send postcards back to the office. (That reminds me.) But then has it not always been so for colonial Australians who are constantly aware of their isolation from the centre of the world?

The English talk about going abroad, which means to the continent. And it's fair enough. Jumping on a Dover ferry to buy cheap booze in Calais hardly qualifies as going overseas even though that is technically what they are doing. To the English overseas means the US or Australia.

And I think the same logic now applies to Australians. In the old days going overseas meant taking a slow boat to Southampton.

Today with the middle-classisation of international air travel a number of intervening destinations have opened up. And frankly the entire process is messing with Australians' heads.

I propose there is such a thing as a going overseas line that is expanding outwards from the Australian continent. The idea of going overseas used to start when the boat left the heads at Sydney Harbour or Port Phillip Bay. I don't think going to New Zealand qualifies any longer as going overseas. And the same goes for Bali, Fiji and any island in between.

In fact, I think the going overseas line now extends to Singapore. And I might add that there are other places on a downgrade watch from being considered overseas destinations, such as Hanoi and Bangkok. We need a new term to describe nearby destinations. Something like abroad would be good: we must first travel abroad in order to travel overseas.

Regardless of where overseas starts and finishes there is a ritual that must be performed by every Australia upon their return. As soon as they clear customs and exit into the arrivals hall to waiting relatives it is mandatory that said travellers duly and solemnly declare something along the lines of: "I have travelled the globe and have come to the conclusion that Australia is the best place on earth".

These words must be said even if you've just spent a long weekend at Kuta Beach. And at this point the assembled relatives nod in unison before asking important stuff like what movies were watched on the plane.

But enough about you and your trip. Now back to me. Do you want to see my photos? Here's a picture of our hotel, and that room on the top right is our room. I've circled it. It was so close to the pool. If you ever go you should definitely try to stay in that room. And if you ever need a driver I've got the perfect person. He took us to his home and we got to see how the locals really live. Did you get my postcard?

KPMG Partner Bernard Salt is the author of The Big Tilt.
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