Not waving, drowning in Bluetooth-inspired gestures

SO there I am checking into the business lounge at Melbourne airport and as I glance into the distance I see a man waving to me.

111203 salt

SO there I am checking into the business lounge at Melbourne airport and as I glance into the distance I see a man waving to me.

My eyesight isn't what it used to be so I can't quite make out who it is. He is standing facing me, waving. He must know me well because he has the stance of a gunfighter: one hand by his side and the other shooting forth a vigorous wave.

I am clearly being engaged by a shadowy figure not on a grassy knoll but near the Qantas Club tea station. I just hope I can remember his name before I get up to him.

You know how it goes. "Oh, hello (and in the nanosecond that follows you pray that he says 'Bernard, it's Barry'), yes of course, Barry. How are you?" So it is with some trepidation that I man up to the gunslinger hoping to get a clue as to who knows me so well that he would wave vigorously from across a crowded room.

Normally blokes don't do vigorous waves to other blokes; we're more inclined to nod and, if we know each other well, we might mouth each other's name and then move on.

Otherwise we might get involved in an unnecessary conversation. And if there's one thing blokes do not do it is unnecessary conversation.

Men are hunters. Hunters no talk. Men no talk. Men nod. Men mouth name if necessary. Which way men's room?

So you can see the significance of a full-on wave. But as I approach the gunslinger he turns his back on me.

He does not know me. He does not want to know me. And as it happens I do not know him. He has a Bluetooth earpiece in his ear and he was on the phone gesticulating wildly. I mistook his gesticulation for a wave and like a giddy schoolgirl I shot back a wave.

Well, I felt used. This happened a year ago and as you can see I am still smarting. Who is this person who has stolen my wave?

I am not the sort of person who goes around giving waves to everyone. I filter my wave partners very carefully.

Waving is a two-way street, you know. I can't be all giving out waves willy-nilly and then getting no waves in return. That's emasculating. And this, of course, brings me to my point.

Why is it necessary for Bluetooth people to gesticulate wildly and to talk loudly on the phone? I am always on my phone and I speak quietly and with only a modicum of gesticulation. I have a theory. I suspect that Bluetooth people are so chuffed by their bluetoothosity that they want the world to see and acknowledge their superior telecommunication skills.

That's why they gesticulate. It's a look-at-me gesture that is often accompanied by a bizarre snippet of a conversation that everyone can hear: "Yeah, well you tell Dicko that if he doesn't accept my offer I'm walkin'. Got that? Tell Dicko I'm walkin'." Gosh, I wouldn't want to be in Dicko's shoes. But what possible conversations require a two-arm outstretched gesticulation?

"Hey, Dicko, mate, I caught a whopper on the weekend and it was this big." Whereas those of us Luddites who still hold a phone to our ear can only gesticulate with one hand. We could never indicate the size of a fish because our limited command of technology restricts us to one-handed stories.

"Dicko, mate, when conducting the overture you can move the baton up and down and sometimes sideways."

You see, we phone-Luddites are limited in the things that we can talk about because we have only one arm free.

Do you think it is rude to suggest that Bluetooth phone users restrict their wild gesticulations to private as opposed to public spaces?

And while I'm on the subject, would they and others also mind keeping their public telephone conversations private. Not only is it annoying but I remain completely unsatisfied by the snippets of conversation that I overhear. Did Dicko accept? Did Bluetooth Gesticulator man walk?

We will never know.

KPMG Partner Bernard Salt is also an adjunct professor at Curtin University Business School

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