Goodbye 'burbs, I'm trending up

I'M sick of being boring and suburban. I have decided to groove it up by converting to the church of inner-city trendism.

Salt illo

I'M sick of being boring and suburban. I have decided to groove it up by converting to the church of inner-city trendism.

Out goes my wardrobe of chinos, boat shoes and polo shirts, the uniform of the professional urban middle class in nice suburbs.

In comes black jeans, black shirt and black suede shoes. As well as an obscure European brand of watch with a huge face.

How do you think I'd go with a tattoo? I'm thinking a Chinese character on my forearm. Mandatory I'm afraid if you want to become part of the inner-city set. Same goes for an ear stud (diamond preferred) or, ideally but not absolutely de rigueur, either an eyebrow or a nose ring.

And if you cannot contemplate the pain of any of these options then you simply must have a thumb ring. Yes, a thumb ring.

I mean how on earth is anyone going to know that you are really, really trendy if you are only relying on them catching a glimpse of your obscure branded watch? The solution of course is to sport a silver thumb ring. Yes, silver.

Look, I don't know why it has to be silver, it just has to be, all right? Sheesh, you suburbanites really have no idea, do you?

As for trendy inner-city occupations, well, anything in the arts, the media, computing (extra points for web-page design) or the entertainment industry is fine. Although if you really want to make it to high society in the inner city, and frankly who doesn't, then you need to work for an environmental cause that can be local, national or international. Anything to do with the Amazon is well regarded.

In your spare time you can either be writing a novel or blogging about food. Here is where inner-city trendies do their best work. To be part of this set you need to understand not just the latest restaurants and cafes, but also the pedigree of their fashionable chefs.

"Yes, well I was in Cafe X last week. The chef there used to be at Cafe Y. He moved across last year because he had a dispute with the owner and I have to say that his smashed avocado with roasted mushrooms is to die for."

Brilliant. You have demonstrated in one fell swoop that you are familiar with multiple food establishments, that you have a sophisticated culinary palate, and that you know who's who. Best of all, you get to use a term like smashed avocado in public.

This is just the tip of the inner-city trendism iceberg. For men there is a complicated range of hair options to navigate: the beard-stubble look, the goatee, the tuft of hair below the bottom lip and, making a welcome comeback, long thin and pointy sideboards.

Young men's hair should be coiffed to form an impressively erect crest or, if the chap is older and balding, it should be shaved off altogether. And if this is the case then the stark bald head should be softened with rectangular black horn-rimmed glasses.

Hair not to wear in the inner city includes the mullet and the comb-over. Sport either in the cafes of Sydney's Surry Hills, Melbourne's Carlton or Brisbane's Paddington and you will be branded a philistine or, worse, a suburbanist.

There is of course a range of accoutrements required to support any claim to being an inner-city trendy. A bicycle on the veranda is good even if it isn't used. Cars should be small and European. A Toyota Prius is acceptable but only if decorated with, say, an "Obama 08" sticker.

Holidays should be taken frequently, but never to middle-class destinations such as Noosa or Fiji. Do not embarrass yourself by mentioning that you have been to the worlds on the Gold Coast. If an inner-city trendy must go to the beach it should be an untrammelled island off the coast of Vietnam or Lombok, accessible only by fishing boat.

I also hear that Berlin is favoured this year but only if you can cite the suburb in which you stayed (hint: Prenzlauer Berg beats Potsdam).

Gosh there's a lot to learn about being an inner-city trendy. Perhaps I'll stay where I am, wedged between the inner city's beard stubble and goatees and outer suburbia's comb-overs and mullets.

Bernard Salt a KPMG Partner.

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