Boom time for Grim Reaper

HELLO and welcome to Demographics Tonight. We bring you all the news, we cover all the issues and we deliver all the gossip from the wild world of demography.

Perkins

HELLO and welcome to Demographics Tonight. We bring you all the news, we cover all the issues and we deliver all the gossip from the wild world of demography.

We have a big show lined up for you tonight. Are we in a baby boom or is this merely a baby blip? We ask the experts. And life expectancy: are you getting enough?

But first up we have a special guest. Ladies and gentlemen, please make welcome the Grim Reaper.

Applause! Applause!

Grim Reaper, you say that you are misunderstood. Why?

Well, we got some bad PR 20 years ago with those ghastly AIDS advertisements. As you can see I don't carry a scythe, I don't have respiratory problems, and I don't have a bad manicure. I'm just doing my job.

And what job is that?

In Australia we deliver 144,000 units a year.

Units?

Deaths. And I must say business is looking up. We've been growing our Australian franchise by 1000 units each year over the past two decades. However, we expect to be delivering 185,000 units annually within 20 years.

What are the drivers of demand?

Basically it's the ageing of the baby boomers. During the 2020s the boomers will wander into the space where I do my best work, the 70-plus time in life. In fact we at Grim Reaper Enterprises have a fun term for the 2020s: we call it Boomergeddon. Get it? Boomergeddon. We love it.

Tell us about Grim Reaper Enterprises.

Well, that's the old term. As of January 1 we're rebranding. We will be known more simply as the GRE Conglomerate. We'd really prefer not to showcase the word "grim"; same goes for "reaper"; they send the wrong messages to our stakeholders.

But, to be fair, you do deal in death.

Well, that's true. But we'd like to put a contemporary spin on the concept. Instead of being tagged "the bringer of death and destruction", we've work-shopped something a little more up-to-date. We're in the post-life facilitation business.

You talk about we. Who is we?

"We" refers to my staff. I started this business four billion years ago the moment the Almighty created life. I could see there was a market opening for death and it's snowballed from there.

Do you deal with the Almighty regularly?

Hardly see her. She turns up to board meetings once a year, takes a few notes, and then swans off to her next engagement. She mostly deals with me through her people. They're always making special requests to pass someone over. Sometimes I acquiesce, sometimes I don't. Depends on my mood, really.

You have board meetings?

Yes, as chief executive of the GRE Conglomerate I report to a board that is comprised of forces for good and forces of evil. It's like any board, really. Each side likes to ensure there's no favouritism: you know, ensuring I don't select more good people than bad people. Not like the old days.

The old days?

Yes, indiscriminate scything of humanity for no good reason other than famine, pestilence, disease and war. Very effective, but it's just not done today. Today it's all done by numbers. Those damned accountants trail me around counting, ensuring that I take the right number from each age group.

Boomergeddon sounds like a busy time. Do you have the staff to cope?

Frankly, no. Like any chief executive I'm concerned about this issue. I am forever training proteges but after I invest in them they're off to London to join some merchant bank. Apparently they fit nicely into the culture.

Apart from staffing issues, is the outlook bright for your business?

Absolutely. I take calls every day from private equity groups wanting a piece of the action. Occasionally I do lunch with them. They can be charming and witty but, while we connect on a spiritual level, I just can't see a buy-out down the track. I don't think they care about the business. They're just after a slice of Boomergeddon.

Fascinating, Grim Reaper, it's been an absolute pleasure.

Coming up after the break, Australian actuarial tables: fun calculations you can do at home. Don't go away.

Applause! Applause!

Edited extract from Bernard Salt's new book, The Big Tilt (Hardie Grant).
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