Blokes let their hands do the talking

DO you know one of the biggest differences between men and women? It's in the deployment of greeting options for people of the same sex.

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DO you know one of the biggest differences between men and women? It's in the deployment of greeting options for people of the same sex.

Same-sex greeting protocols are far more interesting than the vexed issue of same-sex marriage, don't you think?

Consider the evidence. Women greeting women have the handshake for formal occasions and the full-on air-kiss and hug for friends and family.

Men on the other hand have fewer options when it comes to the tricky business of greeting other men.

It's pretty much the handshake and nothing else.

And it's a protocol that applies universally even to closely related males such as, for example, middle-aged fathers and adult sons.

Now you might think that this is all just so typical of men: absolutely no creativity. But if you did think this way then you would be wrong because over the centuries we men have been silently, diligently, sensitively working on a secret project.

Yes, I am about to expose to the world the highly complex, sophisticated, but above all silent communication that takes place within the confines of the manly man-to-man handshake.

Now this communication has nothing to do with fancy American sub-culture handshakes that require a sequence of moves.

No. This involves the subtle world of the Australian male handshake where to the untrained eye a handshake might look like a handshake.

But to male participants in handshake-events this is an ancient ritual that often involves a man-to-man conversation of which women are unaware. Until now that is.

Hold on to your hats ladies because this is going to get pretty rugged. And that's rugged with a capital 'r'. Ha.

We men have been talking to each other about all sorts of stuff through our handshakes and women have had absolutely no idea what's been goin' on. And to be frank we men are pretty pleased with ourselves for keeping it secret for such a long time.

For example, ladies, do you know why men stick out their hand well in advance of meeting other men? It's so we can line each other up in order to get the proper palm-thumb connection required for the ensuing shake.

We like to pretend we are space stations docking. And as every male knows you need a jolly good connection to deliver a jolly good docking. And if the docking goes particularly well we like to transmit to each other, through a chemical process known as masculine osmosis, the following: "hmmm, good docking; no girly tip-of-the-fingers grip; manly shake; I can do business with you."

And the other bloke is likely to transmit much the same.

See? Complete conversation. Then of course there is the shake itself. Now again to women looking on they probably think, "huh, handshake. Boring. Nothing to see here." But again women would be wrong.

The rules of the shake are: one move up and one move down; then you let the hand go. But that's not all.

At precisely mid shake there is an accompanying head nod. Not a shake but a nod. Not two nods (that would be, like, weird) but one. But wait, there's more. While simultaneously executing the handshake and the head-nod (are you keeping up ladies?) there should be a single utterance of the handshakee's name as in, "Bernard".

Three moves at once ladies, how impressive is that?

It is important that while the shakee's name is being uttered the utterer's lips should not move.

The word "Bernard" must merely emit from the general head precinct of the utterer. Yes, it's known in male circles as the Ventriloquist's Addendum to the Handshake Convention and its purpose is as important as it is simple.

If women in the vicinity were to cotton on to the fact that we men were actually talking to each other then they would ask all sorts of questions such as, "what did you chat about?" And as all male signatories to the Handshake Convention know, we don't want women to know exactly how sensitive and communicative we really are.

KPMG Partner Bernard Salt is also an adjunct professor at Curtin University Business School

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