Reality TV is scraping the bottom of the barrel with Dating Naked

Naked Dating? We must be getting old. And is this really what men do when left alone together?

Naked Dating. Is this the bottom the the TV barrel?

I have bad news. You may wish to pluck out your eyes in advance, because I’m afraid they’ll soon be awash with genitalia. On television, at least. Steel yourselves for Testicle TV, reader; brace for Vulva Viewing. It is the end of days.

Dating Naked, a new dating show in which no contestant, man or woman, wears a stitch of clothing, is broadcast this week, and the obvious question is – why? We’ll come to that.

In the meantime, be warned, there is no ­pixelation.

The contestants’ dangly privates are proudly on parade, bobbing, bouncing and singing for their supper. It’s like a naked mole-rat convention and nearly as dull.

I’ve watched two episodes and though I can’t give too much away, I couldn’t spot a single pubic hair between them. I even put my spectacles on to double-check. See what I endure so you don’t have to? A thank-you would be nice.

True, there were moments when I turned away saying “dear sweet Jesus” as yet another chap lay back on a chair to chat to camera, his man-giblets front and centre as if they too were being interviewed. “Yes, enjoying it, thanks,” they’d doubtless say, “though are they wiping those bar stools down after we’ve ‘rested’ on them?”

Good point. None of them seemed to be popping little towels beneath them as they sprawled on chairs and banquettes. I mean, imagine the upholstery.

At one point the men, for “fun”, helicopter their penises. Sorry, is this what men do when left alone together? Because my female friends and I never make our pinkies and perkies dance. Are we missing out? Are we?

Naturally all these contestants have perfect, taut Love Island bodies. There are no apron bellies or drooping waist-warmer breasts here.

And this is where we are with reality TV now. Every possible idea has been exhausted, every barrel scraped, and so we watch people gathered around a fire pit with their waxed labia on show.

Host Rylan Clark with Naked Dating contestants.

Of course the usual guff has been trotted out about it being a “social experiment”, with one contestant saying that being naked strips away the “ego” and forces you to focus on personality. Which is hilarious. It does the exact opposite.

When a scrotum is at your eye level, trust me, you’re not concentrating on the story about their nan.

If being naked focuses the attention, why not have job interviews in the buff? Or exams? Why not Mastermind? Or Match of the Day, which we would obviously nickname Snatch of the Day? Or MasterChef, though beware hot fat splatters to the pudendum. Not funny.

Like a porn user needs more extreme content to get his fix, so weary TV commissioners lunge ever more for the last-resort hit of “tits and willies”. Naked Attraction, Naked, Alone and Racing to Get Home, Embarrassing Bodies … on it goes, a genre strangely turning to nudity in an age when hard porn is freely available on the ­internet.

Remember when Alan Partridge pitched desperate TV show ideas such as “monkey tennis” and “youth hostelling with Chris Eubank”? Don’t sound so absurd now, do they?

In fact, Eubank recently took part in a reality TV show in which people sat in a pitch-dark room for a week. How is that a less bad idea than primates at Wimbledon?

So watch Dating Naked, which is hosted by a (clothed) Rylan Clark, and tell me that it’s not just a flimsy pretext to have attractive young people showing their bits.

If it isn’t then I’m sure there’ll be a version starring naked over-70s coming soon. Broadcast date, 12th of Never.

Dating Naked is streaming on Apple TV.