Here’s what would happen if AI could fix Xmas

AI is fixing everything else – language, designs, school essays and humanity – so it should fix the bugbears of the season

We’re not doing Christmas right. We want to do it well; every year we pledge that it will be calmer, kinder and free of bites from mozzies, ­toddlers, aunty’s dachshund and grandpa’s wit. And yet. And yet.

This year, however, we can get AI to fix it. It’s fixing everything else – language, designs, school essays and humanity – so it should fix the bugbears of the season. OK, let’s ask for an artificially intelligent Christmas and press Return.

Everyone wakes up after 8am, even the baby. We all rush to the artificial tree and unwrap presents that have been algorithmically designed to be the perfect gift. Mum’s credit card is maxed out and dad will start a second job on January 8 but everyone is happy. (It’s going well so far.)

Mariah Carey has disappeared! Bluey is constantly streaming on iView. King Charles will be shown only on the small TV in the spare room, where grandpa likes to grump, and Love ­Actually is on schedule for 4pm viewing. Sorry, not sorry.

As family arrives for the feast, we discover that the dogs in the family have been given their own celebration. It’s being held 20km away and the Santa in charge of proceedings is an expert in dog behaviour.

You won’t recognise Bruno when he returns.

Soon everyone will realise someone is missing. It’s the uncle who arrives early, leaves late, never strays from the bar and is a little bit too interested in the lovely young nieces. Evidently, his invitation went astray.

AI has fixed the orphans of Christmas by allocating family-free people to random families. The sprites of the season are dragged away from their champagne parties on beaches to your table so they don’t miss out on the festive spirit. Bugger, that uncle is back again.

Conversations are pleasant because discussions are limited to what happened in the past year, not what happened on the seesaw 40 years ago. And those discussions don’t allow for politics, foreign wars, generational inequity or, sorry, the weather. Lively chat centres on favourite opening words for Wordle and that nasty woman from Married at First Sight.

There will be no secular/religious brow beating. It’s over. Capitalism has won the season so we can now call it Capitalmas (much better than Ham-mas)

Food is finely calibrated to provide everyone with the right amount of kilojoules, alcohol content and greens. Egg nog is now a trivia answer. Pudding has gone to the dogs Christmas. Afterwards, an exercise schedule will give everyone a brisk walk for 134 minutes.

This is looking a lot like … well, certainly not like the ghost of Christmas past but quite possibly like the ghost of Christmas future. But that’s what AI is for, right. It figures out what we want and delivers something better.

Note. I did ask chat.openai.com to describe the perfect Australian Christmas Day and it delivered homilies like “families wake up to the chorus of kookaburras and the gentle rustling of eucalyptus leaves” and “Australian families blend the traditional with the local incorporating elements like handmade gifts, native flora decorations and perhaps a few quirky kangaroo-themed items”. Perhaps that’s what Christmas has been lacking all along – quirky, kangaroo-themed knick-knacks exchanged under towering gums.

Let’s face it, we’ll never live up to the AI-­enhanced version of Christmas so we may as well wake at dawn, punch out the uncle, put up with the dogs, pretend to be happy with the presents and have a stoush about the war in the Mid-East before someone gives Mariah Carey a blast. Egg nog anyone?

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