I’m a zoologist who cycles in Sydney, and I’ve had a stroke of genus

Earlier this year I slammed headlong into middle age and took up cycling. Crunchy millennial that I am, I have kitted up in merino rather than lycra, but have otherwise enjoyed my initiation into the tribe of tight shorts, aerodynamic sunglasses and unwalkable clippy shoes. Most of all, I have enjoyed spending a great deal of time orbiting the Bay Run, with its harbour views, bushy foreshore and lack of traffic lights; it is Sydney’s best stretch of safe cycle path by the harbour, deserving of wider imitation and replication.

It is not normally a good idea to let one’s work crowd into one’s restorative hobbies, but as a zoologist and behaviourist I have been unable to avoid noticing the variety of undescribed species inhabiting Iron Cove – so herewith my taxonomical description for the Australian Faunal Directory:

Genus: Pedestrianus – Characterised by their slow-moving gait, and stiff, inflexible neck that cannot be turned to look over their shoulder, species in this genus are the most abundant in the Bay Run habitat, and reproduce most prolifically, often seen with their offspring.

Antone Martinho-Truswell, a zoologist, evolutionary biologist and midlife cyclist in his Bay Run habitat. 

P. instagramma – A gregarious species of the Pedestrianus genus, P. instagramma has two subspecies: influencia and folloa. Influencia is the sleeker, more expensively arrayed, and slower moving, thanks to its characteristic social behaviour of waggling telephones at each other, and is usually seen in pairs. Folloa rove in large groups (usually in a single line abreast, stretching the full width of the habitat) and are reminiscent of the lyrebird, imitating the calls and dances of influencia in an attempt to find a mate. Both are characterised by disproportionately female sex ratios, and both find safety in numbers to fearlessly face off fast-moving predators. Cyclospinus rex can’t punishment-pass six instagramma at once.

P. obliviata – Characterised by white growths from the ear canals. These render this species of the Pedestrianus genus completely deaf to local sounds, making them particularly easy prey. They survive thanks to symbiotic relationships with canis familiaris, which assist them in booby-trapping the Bay Run with trip-wires, among the most fatal and devastating weapons to be used against species of the Cyclospinus genus, which P. obliviata consume in large numbers, both on the tarmac and in the liability courtroom.

P. responsibilus– The so-called third species of the Pedestrianus genus, the existence of P. responsibilus is now largely regarded as mythological.

Genus: Rapidoruna – The faster moving close relatives of Pedestrianus, superficial physical similarity is belied by stark behavioural differences.

R. casualis – The most recently diverged from Pedestrianus, R. casualis is the slowest of the Rapidoruna genus, and with the smallest range. It is best identified by its pained and beleaguered demeanour.

R. runclubi – This herding species holds to the most rigid routines of the Rapidoruna genus, facilitating their elaborate mating rituals. They breed prolifically in December and the population swells in the new year, dwindling sharply as the humidity of late summer signals hibernation. They are combative with other species, excluding all others from their habitat even more effectively than noisy miners.

R. marathona – Quiet and swift, usually seen in pairs, and of slender build, R. marathona is the only species that wilfully puts itself in the path of Cyclospinus species, relying on its uncommon speed to make a quick getaway. Sightings are few and far between, except in September, when their massive mating ritual draws all members of the species to the harbour to preen and display their fitness and desirability to potential mates. Occasionally, a single R. marathona may be found parasitising a herd of R. runclubi (the lesser Rapidoruna), dominating their decision-making and culture.

Genus: Cyclospinus – The only tool-using genus found in Iron Cove, their consequent speed facilitates some species to become carnivorous, but puts them at collision risk when navigating through the larger populations of Pedestrianus and Rapidoruna.

C. Commutaris – Appearing much larger than the rest of the Cyclospinus genus, most of the imposing size is composed of a thick winter coat and numerous cached tools carried for contingencies. Many members of the species have several bioluminescent organs that provide protection from larger predators of the genus Carpollutas. Mainly seen in the morning and late afternoon. Often gregarious with C. amaturis but hunted by C. rex, even more ravenously than Pedestrianus.

C. Amaturis – It turns out this is me. Well, I’ll be damned, I thought I was human. Cool people on cool bikes. Some of them wave at me, sometimes.

C. Rex – The fastest predator of the Cyclospinus genus, C.rex is characterised by a sleek coat, reflective compound eyes, and hunting method of extremely close right-hand passes. Mostly solitary but occasionally found in pairs or packs, especially when roving out to bait large Carpollutas species, which they escape by running red lights. They do not share the characteristic hand-wave social gesture of others in their genus. Coat colouration, accessory brands and carbon fibre serve as “honest signals”, much like a peacock’s tail, though in this case not of reproductive fitness but of the relative success of their dental practice.

Habitat notes: Many of the species found in the Iron Cove habitat are rare in other parts of Sydney, especially around the harbour. Additional conservation reserves replicating the Bay Run as closely as possible are essential to ensure the survival of these charismatic fauna. Moreover, wildlife corridors connecting such reserves are necessary to ensure that all species can thrive, especially Cyclospinus, which require larger uninterrupted ranges free of ravenous Carpollutas to ensure survival into the next generation. Initial research indicates that the genus could thrive in the Australian environment and culture, but more needs to be learnt from successful conservation programs abroad.

Antone Martinho-Truswell is a zoologist and evolutionary biologist. He is a research affiliate of the University of Sydney, and dean of Graduate House at St Paul’s College.