I adore children but I’m happy to never have any of my own

When I was a kid, my mum cut this article she loved out of the newspaper, and it lived on the fridge. It was there after she died, it was there when I moved out, it’s probably still there now. It was a list of milestones of life. I remember not really understanding it, to be honest, but it’s stuck with me for all these years.

There were obvious things, like earning your first pay cheque and buying a house – but there was another, more peculiar one, which was “holidaying alone, and loving it”, which really offended me. Why would my mum want to holiday without me?

Growing up, author and podcaster Toni Lodge always assumed she would be a mum.

Then, last year, I stayed at a winery by myself for three days and it was absolute bliss. I watched TV, ate, had a massage and a facial, took myself out for dinner and read my book, and had seven thousand baths. Honestly, could not recommend it more.

Also on the list of milestones was becoming a parent.

My mum loved being a mum. She adored looking after all of us, hearing our stories and playing with us. She just loved being loved. She loved being needed and it made her feel so special to be gifted homemade cards and macaroni jewellery and all the other shit we subject our parents to. She also had a career and seemed to be fulfilled. And because of how much she loved being a mum, it made us kids love being part of such a big family, and I always dreamed of that for myself.

As a kid, there are all these things that you assume are going to be in your life, so looking at this list of life milestones on the fridge, I was like okay, these are the points I’ll hit in my journey and then that’s it. Not that you can’t deviate from that, but why would you want to? This journey is so perfect and straightforward! You finish school, go to uni, start a job you’ll have for the rest of your life, get married at 22, buy a house, have a baby at 24 and live happily ever after.

“I had an early insight into parenting when Tamagotchis became popular. I took my role and responsibility as a digital pet parent seriously.”

So, like lots of girls, I assumed growing up that I would be a mum. When I was little, my favourite toy was this baby dolly who I cleverly named Baby. I loved her, and she went everywhere with me, including to make mud pies in the backyard, which Mum came out to see me shoving into Baby’s mouth. This required immediate toy surgery, but Mum got her cleaned up. After carrying Baby around for a few years, I was desperate for an upgrade.

The thing I wanted more than anything was a Baby Born. You’ll remember the one – and if you don’t, Google it. They weren’t your average, run-of-the-mill baby dollies. They could cry and wee and each one was like a perfect replica of an actual baby. I finally got one for my fifth birthday, and named her Kate.

Kate came everywhere with me. I had a baby carrier and even a legit, name-brand Baby Born stroller I forced Mum to let me take to the shops so I could roll Kate around with us.

I also had an early insight into parenting when Tamagotchis, a type of digital pet, became popular. I took my role and responsibility as a digital pet parent very seriously and the little guy was so well cared for. I’d erase his little digital poos and give him tiny doses of digital medicine when he had a skull-and-crossbones above his head. I used to take him to school and pop him under my tray so I could give him food and water when he needed it without my teacher noticing.

When we had our sports carnival, I taught Mum how to look after my Tamagotchi for the day. She took her role of digital pet grandma very seriously, too. For the week leading up to the carnival, whenever a symbol came up, I’d test Mum on how she would handle the problem, and she always passed with flying colours.

I was 11 when my nephew Tyler was born. I was really scared to go from being the baby of the family to having someone else who was younger, but the moment I met him, I was smitten. And I’ve adored him more and more every day since I first saw that little smile on the day he was born. Because we were almost closer in age than I was with my actual siblings, we developed a close, special relationship and I loved hanging out with and babysitting him with Mum – so much so that we’d take him off my brother and sister-in-law at any opportunity.

Tyler couldn’t say my name when he was little, so I have been known as Totti since then, and I love it. He’s now a proper teenager, who on FaceTime the other day said, “I better be in your book,” but won’t let me follow him on Instagram. I was never that angsty.

When my sister-in-law got pregnant again, with my niece Ashlee, I was scared to have another baby in the family. I remember panicking to Mum and my sister Libby, saying that I didn’t have enough love inside me for another little baby. I loved Tyler more than anything; how could I love another tiny babe? But Ashlee stole my heart the second I saw her and I love her to death.

“We’re breaking away from the traditions that our parents’ generation had thrust onto them.”

This meant that when Libby had her children, Lawson and Wes, and when my other sister Hayley and her wife had a baby, I knew exactly what to expect. I got to snuggle them and sniff them and love them to death … but I also got to hand them back. I could babysit and hold babies whenever their mum or dad needed a break, and I could forever be the fun aunt.

It was the same when my friends started having babies. I would get to snuggle them and smooch them and spoil them, but unlike my friends, I could also sleep in on a Saturday morning instead of going to footy practice. I didn’t have to juggle my life and career with my partner Taubs’ life and career, and add a baby’s life into the mix. Of course, there are people who have a baby and a career, and people who have one or the other, or a combination of those two things and more! And I take my hat off to parents – I really do.

But isn’t it weird that having a baby is the default journey? We live in a time where things have never been more expensive, there’s never been more people (have you been on a train lately?) and we’ve never had more freedom. We’re breaking away from the traditions that our parents’ generation had thrust onto them.

We live with our partners before we get married, we change careers and go to uni later in life, we take time off to avoid burnout – all the things they never did. So, why would having someone dependent on me for 18 years still be the default?

The week, Taubs and I moved in together and had a really serious conversation. Having children came up and I remember saying, “That’s just not for me.” I immediately realised how intense a thing that was to say.

It just came to me in that moment! I don’t think I’d ever explored the option to not have children before that moment, but it was exactly how I felt.

We had a long talk about it, which ended with me saying, “I love kids, but I just don’t think I’ll ever want kids. If that’s a deal-breaker then I don’t know if we have a future.”

First of all, holllllly f---, Toni! Moving house is such intense admin – as if we couldn’t have had that conversation before ferrying all of our things into a house where both our names were on the lease?

Taubs responded the best way someone could. “I love kids, too, but I’d rather have you than a child.”

And that’s the way it’s stayed.

Edited extract from I Don’t Need Therapy (Allen & Unwin) by Toni Lodge, on sale now.

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