How to tell your partner you want a divorce

There might not be a single good way to start a conversation about divorce, but there are certainly plenty of bad ways. From Russell Brand texting Katy Perry it was over between them just before she was about to go on stage to Kevin Costner deciding a Zoom call was the right time to share the news with his children that he was splitting from their mother, Christine Baumgartner, after 18 years of marriage, a poor start to the end of a relationship makes for a particularly messy and painful process.

And there’s no argument that it’s an easy decision.

Melbourne-based divorce coach and strategist Sallyanne Hartnell says opening up the conversation about the possibility of divorce is one of the most important decisions you’ll make.

Kevin Costner with ex-wife Christine Baumgartner in 2022. The couple finalised their divorce in 2024.Credit: FilmMagic

“Timing and context absolutely matter for giving the conversation the best possible chance of being heard and handled with care. It can set the tone for the entire process. If it starts in an accusatory manner, it can be a space that’s hard to come back from. If it starts with compassion and respect, it is more likely that you can unravel in a similar way.”

There’s rarely a perfect moment to talk about divorce. But it doesn’t have to be perfect; you just need it to be considered and intentional. Here are some expert tips on how to do it the best way you can.

1. Set the scene

Rather than dive straight in, set up the conversation by asking your partner if you can plan a time to talk about your relationship. Choose a space where both of you feel comfortable and able to voice your concerns respectfully and without distraction.

There are probably more don’ts than do’s when it comes to the where and when. In the car just before school pick-up? At a family dinner or over text? Not great options.

“Ideally, don’t introduce the idea of separation or divorce during the heat of an argument, or as a way of shutting down a conversation or disagreement,” says Renee Toy, an accredited mediator and family dispute resolution practitioner.

“Be considerate of the other person’s needs and put yourself in their shoes. Think about how you would want to receive the news if it were you.”

If you have kids, it is important to keep adult conversations away from them.

“If you decide to separate, as parents you should plan how and when to talk to your children about any separation, with their needs in mind,” says Toy.

2. Prepare your thoughts

Sometimes the best way to make sure you get it all out, in the right way, is to put it down on paper. That way it will be clear in your head before you start, without actually reading from a script.

“It can also be useful to write down how you want to show up in this,” says Hartnell. “Perhaps make some notes about how you’d like to conduct things, such as, ‘I will communicate calmly and openly’ and ‘I will avoid shame, blame, guilt or accusation.’

“I coach clients to ask, ‘What information do you need from me?’ It’s a powerful question that demonstrates that you are invested in ending the relationship with compassion.”

3. Stay focused

Remember that the first chat is not the time to delve into detailed logistics. It’s just about starting the conversation.

Creating a list of what you hope to achieve is a good starting point. Some common things might include when and how to tell the children, when and how you will physically separate, what agreements you need to reach about interim finances, and how you intend to resolve financial and/or parenting matters.

“I don’t tell people what to say,” says Toy. “But it always helps if you remember to listen well, even if you are initiating the conversation. If you understand what the other person’s goals and issues are, this will help you find common ground, and you are more likely to be able to move forward in a respectful way.”

4. Keep your cool

A conversation to kickstart a divorce is a big one, and likely to get emotional, maybe heated. If you acknowledge this, you can be ready for it and have a plan for how to de-escalate things.
“Know your triggers, and what is likely to trigger your partner,” says Hartnell. “If things get too emotional or combative, suggest a time-out, and agree on when you will come back together for the next part of the conversation.

“I often sign off my emails to clients ‘go gently’ and this is the perfect time to do that — for yourself, for the person on the other side and for the future you’re moving into.”

5. Consider professional help

You’ll need a “village” in place to help you through the process, and the sooner you assemble your support team, the better equipped you’ll be. There’s a range of family law professionals who are trained to guide you through separation from the initial stages in a resolution-focused way. Some of those include:

• A relationship counsellor can offer couples therapy, particularly where staying together is still an option.
• Family mediators are neutral third parties who help you work through issues during a separation.
• A divorce coach will help you focus on your goals and needs. “If you’re stuck in a ‘should I stay or should I go’ loop, a divorce strategist can help you get clear on what you want to say, and how best to say it,” says Hartnell.
• Specialist family lawyers will give you individual advice about your options.

Divorce is rarely an easy process and the initial conversation will probably be difficult and painful for both of you. But you don’t have to have it all figured out at the start.

“It can be done gently and compassionately,” says Hartnell. “And it doesn’t have to blow up your entire life. It’s hard, and it hurts, but there really are good things waiting for you on the other side.”

Make the most of your health, relationships, fitness and nutrition with our Live Well newsletter. Get it in your inbox every Monday.