‘We’re still good friends’. Can you really have a ‘good’ divorce?

When Whitney Sloan and her ex-husband decided to separate three years ago, they sat their three young children down and explained how their lives would change. In the kindest terms, they explained they were still one family, but they would be living in two homes.

Today the family also includes her ex’s new partner, but through it all the Sloans have managed to do what many believe to be the impossible – have a good divorce, and more importantly, a good ongoing relationship.

She is not alone in trying to maintain a good working relationship post divorce. When proud mum Naomi Watts posted footage of her daughter Kai making her runway debut last week, many commented positively on her blended family with ex-husband Liev Schreiber.

Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts in 2016, the year they announced the end of their 11-year marriage. They have maintained an amicable relationship.Credit: Corbis via Getty Images

Watts herself commented in 2019 in relation to her and Schreiber’s handling of their 2016 divorce, “I’m pretty proud of us”, adding: “We’ve made it our absolute priority to be good and kind to each other, and we’re absolutely committed to that”.

It’s not often that we look to Hollywood for examples of good behaviour, especially when it comes to relationships, but experts say the Schreiber/Watts divorce is an example of best practice.

“At the very onset of a separation or divorce, people need to come to the realisation that the person you may need to have a working relationship with is not the same person you married,” says Zena Burgess, chief executive of the Australian Psychological Society. “It’s hard to untangle your own feelings, but especially when kids are involved, you have to work hard to keep things amicable.”

While that may seem easier said than done, Leisa Toomey, director of Toomey Family Law and a family law specialist of 30 years, says couples who seek therapy or counselling at the start of the process have a better chance of working towards a successful settlement.

“It allows couples to make more common-sense decisions and view things from a transactional rather than an emotional point of view,” she says. “It means you can get through the process quicker.

“Honesty and transparency in relation to financial information is one of the most significant factors that bogs down the process. I had a couple last year, for example, who had been together 30 years and were both very switched on financially and knew exactly what each other had in terms of assets.

“They were able to move through the process very swiftly.

“But only about 10 per cent of couples can do that.”

When the Family Law Act was amended in 2006, mediation became mandatory. That means every couple seeking divorce must undergo mediation with a third party before the case goes to court. In as many as 90 per cent of cases, it’s successful and court is avoided altogether.

Mediation will also help you save money, Farley Tolpen of Mediations Australia says.

“As a general rule, it will cost between $3000 and $10,000 to go through mediation,” says Tolpen, who has helped about 4000 couples through mediation. “If you go to litigation, it will take about two years before you go to trial and generally cost anywhere from $100,000 to $500,000.”

If finances and the dividing of assets is a major factor in divorce, children and custody is the other big one. And it’s this area where experts agree it’s imperative to keep proceedings as amicable as possible.

Tara Houseman is a practice specialist in family law at Relationships Australia, NSW and believes getting through the divorce is just the first step in creating a healthy environment for children.

“One goal in mediation or counselling is to help families in the ways that they can self-manage,” Houseman says. “Down the track, some things you have put in place or smoothed out are no longer relevant, or a new partner and their children may be introduced, and new ground rules need to be reached.

“I have many families I see again and again post-divorce as things change.”

Whitney Sloan was married for eight years and had three children with her ex – nine-year-old twin girls and a six-year-old son.

Whitney Sloan (pictured with her dog Tux) says she still considers her ex-husband “a great man and a great father”.Credit: Joe Armao

“Although he was no longer the right man to be married to, I did acknowledge this was the man I was meant to have children with and that he is a great man and a great father,” says the 42-year-old host of the podcast Should I Stay or Should I Go. “Being able to separate him as a husband and as a father was helpful.

“Our divorce was quite straightforward; we had a great mediator who helped with things like age-appropriate choices around childcare, and we had a lawyer to help divide the financial assets.

“What also helped was keeping the long term in perspective and not getting bogged down in the nitty-gritty of things like ‘You were late to pick up’.

“We are still good friends and have a lot of care and respect for each other; I don’t know if we’d catch up for drinks after work on a Friday, but we’re happy to see each other at kids’ parties and barbecues.”

For other examples of good divorces, oddly enough, look no further than Hollywood.

Actor Lisa Bonet managed not one, but two, high-profile yet amicable splits – from rocker Lenny Kravitz in 1993 and actor Jason Momoa in 2022 – with all parties happily blending their families for the sake of their children to this day.

For the sake of their son Flynn, Aussie model Miranda Kerr moved just across the road when she split from actor Orlando Bloom in 2015. Today Kerr is firm friends with Bloom’s fiancé, singer Katy Perry.

And despite them both re-partnering, Demi Moore and Bruce Willis, who split in 1998, have remained close, even holidaying together post-divorce for the sake of their three daughters, Rumer, Scout and Tallulah.

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