Can you marry your first love and live happily ever after?

Most of us can remember the rush of young love – that first look, the first date and, oh yes, that first electric kiss. But no matter how all-consuming that first love can be, research shows that for most of us the relationship is likely to be short-lived.

“Fewer than 2 per cent of people marry their high school sweetheart, and when teens do get married, only about half of them make it to their 10-year anniversary, ” says Dr Amanda Ferguson, psychologist and host of the podcast Psych for Life. “The simple truth is that our brains – or certainly the frontal lobe, which is responsible for reasoning, communication and emotional regulation – is still developing throughout our 20s.”

Affection, appreciation and kindness are key to a relationship that goes the distance.Credit: Getty Images

What then, do we make of couples who not only began dating as teenagers but remain happily married many decades later?

“Emotional maturity and having shared goals lay a solid foundation, but couples also need to know that love is not enough,” says Ferguson. “The secret to a long and successful marriage is acquiring the tools to make a conscious effort to nurture and protect a marriage. You need to cherish the relationship and show affection, appreciation and kindness towards your partner. It takes work.”

‘We’re best friends who have a lot of fun together’: Jaci Harper, 61

“John and I were in the same class in year six, but we didn’t really start hanging out together until we moved into high school and discovered we had common subjects. With his dark, curly hair and coffee-coloured skin, I thought he was very cute, but immature, so I didn’t see him as a potential partner for a long time.

Jaci Harper, has been married to John for nearly 40 years.

We were also part of the same friendship group and when you’re a teenager you know better than to go out with anyone within your group – it makes things too messy. It was only after I moved away for years 10 and 11, then came back for our final year, that everything changed between us. We started hooking up quietly, determined to keep our relationship secret for as long as we could.

We got engaged when we were 19, but we broke up soon afterwards; I think we were right for each other, but just too young for that kind of responsibility. I got transferred out to the country for my teaching job and eventually started dating someone else. When that relationship got serious, however, I realised I couldn’t get John out of my head, so I called him up and invited him for a drink. We met at a pub at 10am and at midnight we were still there, talking away as though nothing had changed. We’ve been together ever since.

We got married in 1987, but there was no grand romantic gesture behind it. At the time, we were both teaching and there were rules in place that you couldn’t transfer to another town to be with your partner unless you were married. Otherwise, I would have had to leave my teaching job.

It sounds crazy now, but getting married was one of the best things we could have done. Sure, we’ve had challenging times, but our union so far has been amazing. We’re best friends who have a lot of fun together and through it all we have an understanding that not one person can be right all the time.

The thing I love most about John is his sense of humour – he keeps me laughing every day, no matter what we’re doing. We both love hiking so we take long-distance hikes overseas and talk and giggle our way through new destinations. For our 40th wedding anniversary, we’re hoping to do a hike around Mont Blanc, or possibly take a Japanese trail. Had we married at 19, as we’d originally planned, I’m not sure we’d be here today.”

‘We embraced the moments that helped us learn and grow’: Jane Piggott, 67

“I was 16 when I first noticed James making his way across my parents’ property. We lived next door to his work, so he’d often park his car out the front, giving us an opportunity to chat. I don’t think I was attracted to him right away – my affection for him grew the more we spoke, so much so that when he asked me out on a date a few months later, it felt natural to say yes, even though he was quite a few years older than me.

Jane Piggott met her husband, James, when she was 16.

Dating in the early ’70s was a lot of fun. We didn’t have the distractions teenagers have today with their phones and tech, so much of our time together was spent talking and getting to know each other. We’d go to the movies, or for long drives, and since James had a huge interest in cars we also liked to go to the drag races.

I knew early on that he was the right guy for me and that building a life together could work. Not only did we have fun together, no matter the activity, we had similar interests and I also liked that he was from a big, tight-knit family. That was one of the things that most attracted me.

We were already talking about getting engaged – James had even gone as far as seeking permission from my parents – when I discovered I was pregnant. We got married quickly when I was just 18. It sounds young, and I tell my kids and grandkids to wait and make sure you’ve lived a full life first, but you have to remember that it wasn’t so unusual back then.

We had three children in quick succession and life when our kids were young was quite sociable – we were always buzzing up and down the coast with our friends. But we had our share of mishaps too.

The most challenging time in our marriage? Probably when we moved our young family from Sydney to Orange [in rural NSW] and discovered it wasn’t the right place for us. We moved back just nine months later, but it took time to recover from the disruption to our lives. Of course, these are the moments that help you learn and grow, not just as individuals, but as a couple.

We’ve just celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary and sometimes I get asked our secret to a long, good marriage. Accepting your differences is one thing, but I think it’s also important to have your own life and interests away from each other.”

‘Talking, rather than dwelling, is key. But so too is laughter’: Valerie Brook, 62

“As my oldest brother’s close friend, Stephen was hanging around our house for as long as I can remember. He was a very nice-looking boy – he had that whole surfer/ladies man vibe – but I didn’t really take any notice of him, even after my mother said he could be a great possibility. Stephen seemed so much older and totally off limits, so I said no.

But things changed over time and when Stephen asked me out two years later, I happily said yes. I knew he was seeing someone else at the time, so after we went on a few dates I said to him, ‘If you want to keep taking me out, you’re going to have to make a choice.’ Fortunately, he chose me and committed heart and soul to our relationship.

Valerie Brook’s husband, Stephen, was friends with her older brother.

It’s funny, but finding your life partner quite young seems to run in both mine and Stephen’s families. My mum was only 13 when she met my dad, and they’re still in love as they hurtle their way towards their 90s. And Stephen’s parents got together when they were both in primary school. Our sons, too, have met their life partners at a young age – our eldest when he was 17, and our younger son when he turned 15.

I think the reason we’ve all been so successful in love is that we all treat each other with care and respect. Kindness and generosity run through the families. It’s a great foundation on which to create a lasting marriage.

Stephen treated me like a princess from the very start and even though we’ve just marked our 40th wedding anniversary – we took The Ghan up the centre of Australia and cruised the Kimberley – he still does.

Despite tough times we’ve gone through, we’ve created a wonderful life together. We walk along the beach together most days, go swimming, take mini breaks to wineries and share endless laughs looking after our six grandkids. Seeing your partner become a father is a wonderful thing, but Stephen is a terrific papa too – he always has time for a game or to read a book.

For those still at the beginning of their marriages, I would say that while some problems can’t be solved overnight, you need to keep talking about issues as they pop up, rather than dwelling on them, or seething silently. It also helps to find the funny side of things and laugh!”

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