Some foods just make me yawn. Skinless chicken breast. Baby spinach. Quinoa. Those crunchy rice cakes. Whoops, just dozed off.

Anything that you always have with butter is going to be boring without it. White bread, unbuttered. Boiled potato, unbuttered. Without laying it on too thick, I think I just proved my point. Yet to eat butter on its own would be outstandingly boring. Go figure.

Next on the boring scale is matzo bread. As an unleavened crispbread, it’s unexciting. But when a particular food is invested in ritual, religion and family ceremony, boredom flies out the window. Other foods exist within their cultures and cuisines mostly for their textural contribution: the steamed and fermented soybeans (natto) of Japan, the crunchy jellyfish of China, the porridge oats of Scotland. To call them boring is to misunderstand their job description.

The American food world recently twisted its knickers about burrata, that creamy ball of mozzarella filled with curds and cream – the one that tastes of, well, cream. Tammie Teclemariam, The Underground Gourmet columnist at New York Magazine, called burrata “a big, fat blob of boring”. Team it with something acidic like blood oranges or something fattening like rosemary focaccia, however, and it’s a winner.

Other foods have the potential to be boring, only to fail at the last minute. Iceberg lettuce is 90 per cent water, so it’s 90 per cent boring. But chill it, cut into wedges and drown it in a perky dressing and it’s 90 per cent interesting.
The thing about boring food is that it can be fixed. This is why the Italians invented pasta sauce – because without it, they would have had to eat pasta on its own. It’s why the Japanese invented ajinomoto, the original MSG that adds savoury depths to anything it touches. It’s why, essentially, we cook.

It turns out that the sole purpose of a refrigerator is to store things that stop other things being boring. (Goes to fridge door, peeks inside.) Things like Dijon mustard, aioli, chutney, Indian lime pickle, gherkins, cornichons and piccalilli (hmm, that’s a lot of pickles). Anchovies, sambal oelek, kecap manis, chilli oil, fried shallots, sweet chilli sauce, oyster sauce, fish sauce, apple cider vinegar. (Closes fridge door before getting yelled at to close fridge door.)

How lucky we are to have so many food choices that we find some more exciting than others.

theemptyplate@goodweekend.com.au