This isn’t the kind of sex Saxon wanted to have on his family holiday.Credit: HBO
This is the penultimate White Lotus Wellness Check, which feels like a good time to say: all of these people are about as well as a rotting dolphin carcass. Let’s do this.
Warning: These recaps, where we rank which characters are having the most relaxing stay, are packed with spoilers. Only read if you have watched episode seven of season three of The White Lotus.
MOST RELAXED
Rick and Chelsea: Rick is so relaxed! His girlfriend, who asks annoying questions like, “Are you OK?” is in another city. His enlightened and sober friend Frank is now doing lines with topless women in a hotel room, meaning Rick doesn’t feel pressured to pretend to be a good person (i.e. a person who drinks tea and doesn’t kill people)! He finally has closure on his dad’s death.
Rick and Frank have a big night off the chamomile teas.Credit: HBO
Despite neglecting to do even two to three minutes of preparation, Rick and Frank manage to make it into Sritala and Jim’s house. “What movies have you directed?” Sritala asks Frank. “What haven’t I directed?” Frank replies.
Rick then asks the old man to have a private chat in another room and leave his wife with Frank, which is suss in a few ways including that Frank has been playing a man named Steve. The confrontation is fairly one-sided, with Rick shouting things like “HAPPY CHILDHOODS ARE IMPORTANT, AREN’T THEY?” and “HAVE YOU BEEN GOOD TO THAILAND?” – which is a bit rich coming from a man who ruined a local snake museum a couple of days ago.
Jim can’t even remember Rick’s dad or mum. Rick, embarrassed, pushes him off his chair. How cathartic!
Back at the hotel, Chelsea is miserable. Rick isn’t picking up and she’s so lonely she tries to teach Saxon to meditate, though freaks out when he tries to hold her hand. “HERE ARE SOME BOOKS, OFF YOU GO!” she says, in distress. Maybe she should try pushing an old man off a chair?
NOT SO RELAXED
Is this the exact moment Laurie decided she needed to get laid? Credit: HBO
Jaclyn, Kate and Laurie: Jaclyn and Laurie continue to exchange looks like they’ve dropped arsenic in each other’s mimosas and are waiting to see who drops dead first. Laurie can’t trust Jaclyn now she’s slept with Valentin. “It’s not a big deal,” says Kate, a woman whose moral compass has previously pointed her in the direction of MAGA.
Laurie tells them to go to hell, actually, and ends up sleeping with Valentin’s friend Aleksei.
Laurie: “That was great sex, thank you.”
Aleksei: “My visa has expired.”
Laurie: “Such a nice time.”
Aleksei: “My mother is sick.”
Laurie: “I really liked the bit where you said you liked hanging out with me.”
Aleksei: “Can you please PayPal me $10,000?”
Oh, well. Laurie jumps out a window to escape a screaming Russian woman in a bodycon dress. All the best with your mum, Aleksei!
Mook, having a nice dinner before revealing her insatiable bloodlust.Credit: HBO
Gaitok: It’s finally Gaitok’s date with Mook, a chance for him to confess he’s not going to be promoted because his boss doesn’t think he has a “killer instinct”.
“Prove him wrong!” Mook says. Gaitok is confused. Doesn’t Buddha say violence should be avoided? “Being strong is part of the job!” replies Mook. “Yes, right, exactly!” says Gaitok, nodding so enthusiastically his head almost rolls clean off his shoulders. “Violence is awesome, quite right.”
At the boxing match, Mook, salivating with lust, gestures to the fighters like, “See Gaitok, see those men smashing each other’s faces up? Pretty cool, huh?” but Gaitok is distracted. At the fight he finally realises Valentin and his friends were behind the violent robbery earlier in the season. Can’t wait for Mook to suggest killing them!
LEAST RELAXED
Belinda: Is it implausible Belinda would attend Gary/Greg’s party? Yes. Did it seem like the only reason she went is that Zion said, “I’m hungry”? Also yes!
Belinda has barely hit the charcuterie when Gary/Greg asks to talk in private, which she inexplicably agrees to. If you had told me that one of those big fruit trees had doinked her right on the head I would believe you.
Gary/Greg offers Belinda $100,000 to start her business and to “honour his peace”. “I’ll sleep on it!” Belinda says. She leaves the party in a hurry. “We’re not going to eat?” says Zion in horror. Someone get this kid a muesli bar, honest to god.
The things you do for your kids!Credit: HBO
The Ratliffs: Victoria’s prayers that Jesus will save Piper from Buddhism may be coming true!
Lochy’s desire to avoid his family (no reason!) means he decides to join his sister at the retreat for a year. “Aren’t you excited?” he says. Piper looks at her little brother like he’s just decided he’s really into Nirvana after hearing Smells Like Teen Spirit on a car ad when she owns Bleach on cassette. “OK,” Piper says, throwing her Nevermind T-shirt in the river.
Meanwhile, Timothy, Victoria and Saxon go to Chloe’s party at Gary/Greg’s house. “Where’s your brother?” Chloe asks in disappointment. Saxon pretends he’s never met his brother.
Timothy is not even bothering to conceal his breakdown now and even Saxon has noticed. “My career is tied to yours!” he says. “I don’t have anything else but your business!” Confronted with the second family member to tell him they’d rather die than not have money in two days, Timothy is like, “All good here, baby”, and continues to drink himself into a coma so he stops fantasising about mercy killing his entire family.
Saxon, unsettled and still in a state of post-incest confusion, tries to find solace in Chelsea and Chloe. Chloe asks him to stay, which is nice! Oh, but only to recreate a sexual fantasy of Gary/Greg’s involving walking in on his parents sleeping together. Saxon contemplates a simpler time when families were just for getting you careers and watching you make smoothies.
The final episode of The White Lotus streams next Monday on Binge and Max.
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