The White Lotus recap: The ghost of Tanya, snakes alive and a MAGA-loving wife

Welcome back to The White Lotus, a place of poisonous cobras and monkeys that look like they’re contemplating ways to kill you. Can monkeys shoot guns? Let’s hope not.

Warning: These recaps, where we rank which characters are having the most relaxing stay, are packed with spoilers. Only read if you have watched episode three of season three of The White Lotus.

MOST RELAXED

“You must excuse me, I have a very specific face blindness, and dodgy bald men all look quite similar to me, sincerest apologies.”Credit:

Belinda Our favourite therapist is being cradled by Pornchai in bodies of water for reasons of wellness. But just as she is regaling Pornchai with the story about the rich woman (Tanya) who promised to fund her business and then bailed, she spots Gary/Greg over the dinner table. As she approaches the table, Gary/Greg appears to be defecating in his board shorts.

Belinda: “Hello, Greg!”

Gary/Greg: “I am not Greg, I am a different man with a very different name.”

Belinda: “Didn’t you date Tanya? Where is Tanya?”

Gary/Greg: “As I say, this Greg man seems very cool, but I am Gary, an innocent man.”

Belinda: [Gets anxious she’s not being cradled by Pornchai and leaves]

I don’t think Greg/Gary’s the type of smooth criminal to get away with this. He couldn’t even think of a false name that didn’t start with “G”.

“Gaitok, one day we will sing songs of your brave, hard head.”Credit:

Gaitok When Sritala, co-owner of the White Lotus, tells Gaitok she was sorry he was hit in the head with a gun (polite!) and that he’s brave, Gaitok beams and assures Sritala he loves to get hit in the head.

He struts over to Mook – “Hey, did you hear people around here are calling me brave? So embarrassing. Want to smooch?” – but then is teased by the cool plain-clothes bodyguards who tell him he is a turkey, not a rooster. Then he’s told by another security guard that Fabian, his boss, wants a meeting.

Maybe Fabian wants to tell him that he’s brave?

NOT TOTALLY RELAXED

“Hey Chelsea, have you ever seen Braveheart, that’s a little like me, Chelsea.”Credit:

The couple: Rick and Chelsea After a busy morning of telling his stress therapist Amrita that stress is kind of his thing, actually, all Rick wants to do is smoke a giant joint and go to a snake show. Who among us, etc.

Poor Chelsea, who feels compelled to remind Rick “we’re soulmates” at least 100 times a day, waits patiently as he makes intense eye contact with an iguana. Unfortunately for everyone at the snake show (I hope those snake guys are union), Rick decides opening up the snake cages and letting them slither onto the floor is noble and just.

The snakes are like, “Hey, thanks a lot, man” and Chelsea is like, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” The snakes, furious that Chelsea doesn’t get it, bite her on the ankle, and she has to go to the hospital so she doesn’t die.

Chelsea survives, inexplicably stays with Rick, and is even compassionate when his answer to, “Why did you release all those venomous snakes?” is “EVIL THINGS SHOULDN’T BE TREATED LIKE SHIT”.

Now Rick is off to Bangkok (with someone named Frank who is probably not an assassin, maybe he’s a chiropractor) to get revenge for his father’s murder … maybe. Is there a nicer rich guy at this resort for Chelsea who doesn’t throw cobras at her?

Ah well, at least tomorrow will be a good day. Greg/Gary has invited them on his boat!

Nothing bad ever happens on boats at the White Lotus!

(Saxon, five minutes later: “We’ve been invited on a boat!”)

“I’m just a freaky little dude, hehe.”Credit:

The family Here’s the thing, I’m sure Lochlan is having a stressful time, but I can get behind him constantly showing his family tsunami videos. Who is this kid? He can’t even sit up straight!

All the talk of tsunamis leads Victoria to have a very symbolic dream of a giant wave engulfing her family home. Piper reminds her mother she’s very spiritual and can interpret the dream for her, so the whole family sits around the breakfast table and contemplates what a dream about a natural disaster destroying their house could possibly mean, while blood vessels in Timothy’s eyeballs burst one by one.

Timothy is not very good at hiding his business catastrophe. His phone is ringing constantly, and even Saxon has started getting work calls. Timothy decides that, on second thought, it’s a GREAT idea to do a digital detox, but only if everyone does it and also gives away their iPads and Apple watches and maybe also the rule should be that no one asks him any questions from this moment forward, what a good rule. Saxon is devastated.

Timothy is a picture of relaxation. Credit:

“I love working,” Saxon says, almost weeping.

“We all do, Saxon!” Timothy says. “We all love work so much, we love it!”

Victoria offers Timothy some of her pills so he can chill out. Timothy takes the pills and falls into a coma for a whole day, then wakes up and just pops another one in secret.

As they settle in for bed, Victoria is like, “Want another pill?” and Timothy says, “I don’t take drugs!” Victoria asks if anything bad is going on, and Timothy is like, “Zzzzzzzzz, I’m asleep sorry, zzzzz”.

Least relaxed

“MILFs for MAGA, ladies!!!!!”Credit:

The friends: Jaclyn, Laurie and Kate You read a lot about toxic friendships on the internet these days, but to say Jaclyn, Laurie and Kate have a toxic friendship is like saying the people of Pompeii just had a really warm bath.

Over breakfast, Jaclyn says, “Laurie, remember how you’re a loser who is single? Remember? Have a fling with Valentin!” Unfortunately, Laurie does not seduce Valentin during her energy healing suggestion, which the other women regard as deeply embarrassing for Laurie.

Kate, just a homespun Texan girl, a real quilt of a woman, says energy healing seems too “witchy” for her and all the healing she needs comes from a little thing we like to call CHURCH. Jaclyn, stunned by this revelation, explains she hates religion because all the main characters are men. Kate smiles at Jaclyn like she can already picture her in hell.

Jaclyn: “OK, so you love church, but you’re not the sort of Texan who voted for Trump at least.”

Laurie: “Ha ha.”

Jaclyn: “Ha ha.”

Kate: [Smiles the smile of a woman who voted for Trump]

Later, Kate overhears Jaclyn and Laurie criticise her and call her “self-defeating”. I feel like I’m watching an essay by The Cut happen in real time!

The White Lotus streams on Mondays on Binge.

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