I watch a Hallmark movie every night. You should too

The sculpted abs in Hot Frosty and The Merry Gentlemen may have gotten you on the Christmas movie bandwagon, but book an UberX because you’re getting off at the next stop.

These movies are not in the true spirit of Christmas television. They lack essential shots of fake snow, Vancouver masquerading as Manhattan and Father Christmas-types with beards as suspicious as their American accents.

Netflix just can’t crack the formula despite Chad Michael Murray’s impressive muscles and highlights. The guiding light of Christmas movies is found in the deepest reaches of streaming under the maligned production banners of Hallmark, Reel One and MarVista. These are the cinematic gifts that truly keep giving.

The best gift of all this Christmas.

My expertise in this area has been honed by winding down every night, post tooth brushing and retinol application, to a Christmas movie from these producers. On Boxing Day, while you’re seeking family counselling, elasticised pants and receipts for that present from cousin Amanda, I will be settling down to a Hallmark classic.

I don’t like Christmas. Perhaps it’s from the lack of gay representation in the manger, although those three wise men with thoughtful presents, including fragrance, gave me a vibe.

It’s the comfort of watching something with low expectations, low production values and a high degree of predictability that has me sleeping with the kind of smile that episodes of Survivor, Married at First Sight, or The Block fail to raise.

Like pudding or gravy, there are specific ingredients for a real Christmas movie (Die Hard will never make the cut), so Netflix should start taking notes.

There’s always an actress with more IMDB credits than Angelina Jolie but zero name recognition, thanks to the majority of those credits having “Christmas” in the title.

The queen of the Christmas movie is former Mean Girl Lacey Chabert, set to star in her 40th Hallmark movie, The Christmas Quest.

Chabert has the essential likeability required of a leading lady, which puts a sweet smile above overt sexiness. She also regularly demonstrates a willingness to wear clothes that could be on loan from your nearest Millers sales rack.

Christa Taylor Brown, Nikki DeLoach and Erin Krakow have also mastered the key Christmas movie traits of chaste kissing, pretending empty coffee cups are full and steaming hot and throwing flour during cookie-baking scenes.

They are adept at playing journalists, bloggers, chefs, event planners, fashion designers or stressed executives who must return unwillingly to their hometown before Christmas. The more unrealistic the depiction of their careers, the better.

Lacey Chabert and Kristoffer Polaha in The Christmas Quest (2024).

Journalists will be sent on assignments to cosy bed and breakfasts for a week, all expenses paid. Company boards will oversee the quality of blog posts and computers won’t need to be plugged in on desks in ridiculously large offices.

The men are mostly interchangeable, with the bodies of personal trainers but a willingness to cover their muscles with plaid shirts. In risque movies, these men are divorced, but mostly, they are widowed with precocious children or brokenhearted after dating uptight women from the city.

There is always a sassy friend, slightly less attractive than the main star. Quite frequently, they are people of colour to demonstrate diversity. If they’re lucky, the plot line will match them up with the lead actors, best friend, brother, or even father.

Christa Taylor Brown and Chad Michael Murray in Christmas on Windmill Way (2023).

Finally, there is a recognisable actor from an eighties or nineties TV series, willing to add some faded Hollywood glamour with only 10 lines to memorise. Lindsay Wagner from The Bionic Woman, Wendy Malick from Just Shoot Me and Patrick Duffy from Dallas are on the producers’ speed dial.

The cast is the only surprise. The lead character will break up with her boyfriend, who works too hard with a minimum of fuss, move to her hometown and marry the first man she sees after getting off a plane at an airport that looks like a local gym.

They will kiss once and only once before declaring their undying love and constantly be surrounded by enough fairy lights to keep Bunnings profitable for the next five years.

The problem with Netflix’s attempts to crash the Christmas movie party is that they’re trying too hard. They have kept the fairy lights but stray from the formula with outrageous plots involving magical snowmen who come to life with zero per cent body fat and single-figure IQs, or handymen willing to dance like the Aldi version of the Chippendales.

The charm of a Hallmark-style Christmas movie is its lo-fi production and complete lack of ambition. The harder the producers work, the harder it is to watch. Don’t change the one thing about Christmas that is guaranteed to bring you peace and joy, and keep your blood pressure at a healthy level in a running time of one hour and 24 minutes.