Why did my colleague pretend they’d never met me before?

I was involved in an induction programme at my new job. Several new employees began at the same time and I struck up what – I thought – was a friendship with one of my fellow newcomers. We seemed to have a lot in common and conversation came easily to us.

Not long afterwards, when I met this person again outside the program – in our “real” work setting – they seemed to completely ignore me. I plucked up the courage to ask if they remembered me. I said I had enjoyed their company and assumed we would get on well in our closely linked jobs. They said they didn’t remember me at all.

What is going on? Could I have inadvertently offended them? Am I mistaking this person for someone else? Or is this my first taste of the dreaded G word – gaslighting?

Whatever it is, it’s neither completely out of the ordinary – many people go through something this at work all the time.Credit: John Shakespeare

Not knowing why a person is treating you in a certain way can cause anxiety and be disorienting. I’m so sorry you’ve found yourself in such an uncomfortable and confusing position.

I’m not going to pretend I can conjure a definitive answer on why your new colleague ignored you and claimed never to have met you before. But if I were to make an educated guess based on your question and our email exchanges, I would say this is almost certainly not the result of any kind of failure on your part.

I spoke with Dr Zoë Krupka about the situation you find yourself in. She’s a psychotherapist and senior lecturer at The Cairnmillar Institute.

“This is such a painful experience because it usually leads people to question themselves and their impact on other people negatively. ‘Am I so forgettable?’ ‘Do they not want to associate with me?’ ‘Did I say something wrong?” she says.

Dr Krupka told me that your new colleague could have been feigning ignorance for unkind reasons, but that there may be other and much less ugly reasons for the apparent cold shoulder.

“Sometimes this [kind of behaviour] is a power move, one that’s pretty common in the lexicon of social bullying, designed to make people feel small and ashamed. It’s definitely a gaslighting tactic.

“But there are also some people who have trouble remembering faces and social interactions for a number of reasons. The social anxiety this can cause for them sometimes means that they will avoid anyone who triggers shame around this ‘forgetting’.”

I would add that some people find it difficult to get back into a friendly social groove, or to return to a friendly rapport, especially when there’s a break in between interactions. And sometimes it doesn’t matter how enjoyable and chummy the initial interplay has been.

I remember way back at the very start of my time at uni, I started chatting with someone in the long line to complete my enrolment. I got along well with them, and it turned out we were doing similar subjects.

When I met them again in a tute group several weeks later, there was clearly a glimmer of recognition between us, but I felt it would be presumptuous to bowl up to them and say “Remember me?” So I said nothing. It was a product of shyness, and I can see now that my genuine attempt to avoid being rude or entitled could easily have come across as just the opposite.

Coming back to your question of what is going on, I think whatever it is, it’s neither completely out of the ordinary – many people go through something like this at work – nor is it some kind of misunderstanding born of a mistake or faux pas you’ve made.

I hope you can strike up a friendship with this person again, but if not, don’t feel that their snub reflects poorly on you.

Send your questions through to Work Therapy by emailing [e-mail]

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