Stockpiling for lunch from hotel breakfast buffets: Can I give thieves a serve?

One of the great joys of travelling is starting the day with an excellent breakfast buffet. However, my happiness is regularly eroded by the sight of other guests taking extra food to also service their lunch needs. Can I call them out for their despicable theft or do I just quietly accept that people are awful?
S.F., New Lambton, NSW

Credit: Illustration by Simon Letch

You’re going to hate me, but I’m one of those awful, despicable, breakfast-buffet thieves. I’ve walked away from hotel breakfast buffets with muffins, Danish pastries, croissants, doughnuts and yoghurt tubs stuffed in my pockets and bag – and then later, for lunch, I’ve enjoyed a squashed, greasy, indeterminate pastry-wad, washed down with a tub of body-heated yoghurt flavoured with berries and listeria. For free! But as much as you may hate me, am I technically a thief? The dictionary defines “theft” as “appropriating property belonging to another without their permission or consent, with the intent to deprive the rightful owner of it”. (I stole that definition without permission or consent, with the intent to deprive the dictionary of it.)

But I paid for the hotel buffet like every other guest, so am I any worse than your standard buffet greed-monger? Those hotel guests who go back for seconds, thirds, fourths, building an inverted food pyramid on their plates, with mounds of bacon perched on a stack of pancakes, balanced on clumps of omelettes, teetering on a single slice of honeydew melon?

Look, I know food-safety regulations may be applicable here, but don’t call us out on our awful, despicable buffet-thievery. We’re eating breakfast just like you, but we’ve chosen the all-day option. We’re spacing it out through the day, enjoying it in different locations, and adding our own unique flavours and textures: a generous sprinkling of gritty pocket lint and a chewy layer of fused-on napkin.

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