My neighbour’s dog barks every night. Are earplugs the answer?

My neighbour’s dog has made it its life’s mission to audition for Canine Idol the moment my head hits the pillow. Should I invest in earplugs or start barking back?
M.S., Doreen, Vic

Credit: Simon Letch

You’re right about Canine Idol. There’s not much difference between a barking dog and a contestant auditioning for Australian Idol: same pitchy snarls, same strained yelps, same agonising torment for everyone who’s forced to listen, all of us thinking, “Please, someone put it down. Pleeease.”

Years ago, I lived next door to a barking dog and it was torture: any sound could trigger a barking frenzy. I had to whisper in my own home, tiptoe around my own garden, lay down towels on the outside table to avoid crockery clattering during backyard barbecues. It barked at night, too, and I tried everything. Earplugs just made the barking boomier, yelling back made the barking angrier, sprinkling cayenne pepper over the fence at four in the morning made the barking sneezier.

But you know what worked? Courteous, neighbourly communication. I wrote a letter and popped it in the neighbour’s letterbox: “Hey, guys! I’m a massive dog-lover (massive!), which is why I’m worried that your dog may be anxious. It seems to be barking quite a bit during the day (and also at night, poor thing!) Naturally, the noise doesn’t bother me (I LOVE dogs!), but I’m a little concerned it may be distressed. Just checking in on your lovely doggy’s welfare. From a very concerned (and massive) dog-lover!”

A masterclass in passive-aggressive bullshittery. From that day on, the dog was kept inside and closely monitored and I got peace. The price of that peace? Having to pretend I liked the little dickhead every time I saw it out for walkies: “Awwww! Hey, little fella! I LOVE dogs! Awwwwww!” A high price to pay. Too high, you might think.

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