‘It’s the way you talk about it’: chef O Tama Carey on coping with a stillbirth

Each week, Benjamin Law asks public figures to discuss the subjects we’re told to keep private by getting them to roll a die. The numbers they land on are the topics they’re given. This week, he talks to O Tama Carey. The Sydney chef and restaurateur, 42, opened Lankan Filling Station in 2018 in Darlinghurst, focusing on the flavours of her Sri Lankan heritage. Her cookbook is Lanka Food: Serendipity & Spice.

O Tama Carey: “Why should my duck be cheaper because it’s Asian?” Credit: Dominic Lorrimer

RELIGION

Sri Lanka is majority Buddhist, with significant Hindu, Muslim and Christian populations. Hindus don’t eat beef. Muslims don’t eat pork. Many Buddhists don’t eat meat at all. How do these considerations manifest in Sri Lankan cuisine? It all comes down to tolerance, a big theme of religion. It can work, you can do it all, as long as you’re tolerant of other people’s beliefs. And besides vegetables, you need to serve chicken. And seafood.

What are your commandments for good cooking? It just needs to taste delicious. In Asian cooking, as a rule, it’s all about balance. Like in Chinese cooking, you always have steamed greens. A lot of people go, “That’s not exciting; it doesn’t have the wow factor.” But if you have a meal without the greens, it’s unbalanced. A lot of Asian cuisines build that in.

Tell me about a meal you’ve had that came close to being a religious experience. In Tokyo, we went to this fancy, tiny tempura restaurant. We sat around a little U-shaped table; the tempura chef was in the middle. Everything was just so beautiful and delicious, it was a perfect night. We also went to a restaurant called Fäviken in central Sweden, which isn’t there any more. We drove for miles to get there. Not only was the food delicious but the manager was very specific about the timing between courses. Every time a little snack came out, he’d come in, give a little clap, you’d all stop and listen, and he’d tell you what it was, then disappear. Everything was timed to perfection and seamless. A magical, beautiful thing.

POLITICS

You’ve said you’ve felt like a fraud when it comes to Sri Lankan food, and have even copped some criticism over the authenticity of your food. Expand on that. There are so many nuances to the notion of authenticity in food, which I find perpetually interesting. I worked at [Kylie Kwong’s former restaurant] Billy Kwong for many years and cooked Chinese. I’d always love it when I got into taxis and they’d be like, “What do you do?” And I’d be like, “I cook Chinese food.” Chinese taxi drivers would just laugh at me!

But Kylie Kwong drew on authentic Chinese techniques and recipes while offering an Australian update. Which is why her food is so delicious. Back then, there was no question of whether I, a half-Sri Lankan white girl, should be cooking it. When I worked at Berta [in Sydney’s CBD], it was all Italian. I did heaps of research, went to Italy, and no one ever said, “Why do you think you can cook Italian food?” It wasn’t until I started cooking Sri Lankan. I don’t know if it was my own insecurities or fears. But I also think because Sri Lanka’s so small, its cuisine not mainstream, people are protective of the food. But I’ve never said Lankan Filling Station is super traditional. There are family recipes, and there’s stuff I’ve made up using traditional flavours, but approaching them with my background of cooking European and Chinese food and living in Australia, using Australian ingredients.

Can we talk about the double standards between perceptions of European and Asian cuisine? Don’t even get me started on this …

Asian food isn’t synonymous with “fine dining” and some people feel Asian food shouldn’t be expensive. Others feel this stems from racism. What’s your take? I think it is rooted in racism. Not overt racism, but that’s where it comes from. It’s completely ridiculous. We use organic ingredients and make our own curry powders. So much labour goes into it, yet it’s not seen as having the same value. My partner [chef Mat Lindsay] has restaurants as well. We have the same wage costs, the same rent, the same producers. Why should my duck be cheaper because it’s Asian?

DEATH

What do you believe happens after we die? I don’t necessarily believe there is an afterlife. I think someone’s memory of you keeps something alive, but I also think once you’re dead, that’s it. I don’t think death is hard. Grief is the hard thing.

When was the last time you grieved? [Pauses] Okay. So I had a stillbirth. Very recently.

Oh, Tama. I’m so sorry. It’s not anything to be sorry for.

How recently? May last year. I’d had a really excellent pregnancy, no problems, then her heart just stopped beating at 38 weeks. No explanation for it.

And how are you going? We’re surviving. It’s a horrible thing, but it hasn’t made me question my life or the world. Obviously, you go “Shit!” and “Why me?” But it’s a random thing and it happens quite a lot. It’s just really sad. There’s nothing you can do about it. You just have to try to be kind to yourself and do whatever you can. There’s this sadness that sits; hopefully, one day it won’t be so horrible.

What have other people said that’s helped? It’s not so much what you say, it’s the way you talk about it. I’m always happy to talk about it because it’s something that’s happened. If you have conversations with people about their lives, you’re not going to miss out the big things, and this is a really big thing. When people are frightened to talk about it, that’s tricky. Or when they don’t want to acknowledge it. But you just have to survive it the best way you can.

All options are legitimate to get you through it, right? [Smiles] Whisky is useful, I find.

Well, it’s Good Weekend’s food and drinks issue. Any whisky you’d like to recommend?
Japanese whisky.

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