By Kishor Napier-Raman and Noel Towell
The year 2022 had one job: to be better than its two godawful immediate predecessors. And after careful consideration, CBD is giving the past 12 months a pass mark. Despite the war, floods, cost-of-living crisis, the not-quite ever-ending pandemic, rising interest rates and the wall-to-wall politics, we’re willing to concede that this year managed to - just - clear the low bar set for it.
But that doesn’t mean there wasn’t a lot to talk about.
Credit: John Shakespeare
The Novak Djokovic COVID-vaccination deportation saga was the story of a lifetime for Australian editors, involving a local and truly global audience that couldn’t get enough; heroes; villains (depending on your standpoint); more opinionising than you could fill a homepage with; nobody getting hurt; and with the whole thing unfolding on your door-step, it didn’t even require a travel budget. All right in the guts of silly season.
What a time to be alive and what a moment for Tennis Australia and its chair, Virgin Australia boss Jayne Hrdlicka to go missing in action.
Jayne Hrdlicka watches Novak Djokovic thump a Covid forehand.Credit: Shakespeare
With hindsight, the famous side-eye that Australian of the Year Grace Tame gave then Prime Minister Scott Morrison at a Canberra photo-op in January was a sign that ScoMo was in for the toughest year of his life.
After one last round of scorched-earth tribunal stacking, the Morrison government pulled the trigger on a long and painfully forgettable election campaign. Not even Anthony Albanese’s memory fail, a shouty debate, crash-tackling a small child, or a decaying John Howard could save ScoMo from the voters, who dumped him unceremoniously in May.
Then-prime minister Scott Morrison and 2021 Australian of the Year Grace Tame in the famous “side-eye” photo.Credit: Alex Ellinghausen
Nowhere was Morrison’s rejection more brutal than in the nation’s wealthiest postcodes, where forever Liberals turned to a posse of teal clad political novices. United by common financial backers (just don’t call them a political party!) and concerned with climate and integrity (just don’t mention Kylea Tink’s fossil fuel shares!), the teals marched on Canberra, where Tink, Monique Ryan and Kate Chaney promptly started bunking together.
Ryan’s defeated nemesis, Josh Frydenberg, is now making a lot more money at Goldman Sachs, shrugging off speculation he’d run the AFL (as if Gillon McLachlan will ever leave), but not shrugging off speculation he’ll have another crack at politics in 2025.
Unlike the good burghers of Kooyong and North Sydney, your humble columnists didn’t have the luxury of escaping ScoMo, as he hung around on the backbench like a smirking bad smell.
The multiple ministries scandal further bloodied his legacy, angering even some of his most devoted prayer pals. Not that Stuart Robert noticed, he was too busy writing weird books about Jesus.
John Shakespeare’s cartoon for the Scott Morrison multiple ministries scandal.Credit: John Shakespeare
The former PM decided to rebrand as a “virtuous globalisation mastermind” and jet to the United States, where a few stragglers from the Trump administration are determined to soothe his battered ego.
Meanwhile, the Lodge is now occupied by Anthony Albanese, whose “normal blokedom” doesn’t seem as much an act of highly focus-grouped cosplay as his predecessor. After celebrating his victory in the humble confines of Canterbury-Hurlstone Park RSL, Albo got to work promising a “different” politics.
Which for our purposes looked a bit like sucking the boozy, schmoozy fun out of the Canberra bubble. Probably for the best.
Ministers made a hasty exit from the first Midwinter Ball of the COVID era, where the prime minister’s office fought to keep Albo’s (pretty boring) speech under wraps.
The annual end of year drinks were cut short, and in a year of two budgets, Labor’s October turn lacked the celebrity sparkle of Frydenberg’s last dance.
Minister for Foreign Affairs Penny Wong and Defence Minister Richard Marles went to a meeting with Lachlan Murdoch.Credit: AFP
What hasn’t changed is the need to kiss the Murdoch ring. Albanese, and his key deputies Richard Marles and Penny Wong had a private meeting with News Corp co-chair Lachlan Murdoch.
Albo clearly lacks the intense News Corp hate of his predecessors Kevin Rudd and Malcolm Turnbull, both of whom chipped in to support Crikey’s defence to Murdoch jnr’s lawsuit.
Like Lachlan, News Corp continued its outstanding commitment to free speech in 2022 by keeping staff in the dark about The Australian editor-in-chief Chris Dore’s abrupt departure after alleged lewd comments at a US conference. At least the journalism was stellar. Who could forget the Tele’s desperate defence of embattled surgeon Charlie Teo … written by one of his patients.
In the corporate world, some CBD regulars continue to deliver the goods. Troubled techster Nuix, led by Johnathon Rubinsztein, received a rare vote of confidence from none other than do-gooding fund manager Australian Ethical Investments, which had vacuumed up nearly $30 million in Nuix shares by July this year, and lost more than $10 million in doing so.
Gina Rinehart supported her favourite politicians like Peter Dutton.Credit: Shakespeare
Speaking of fundies, the Hamish Douglass-founded Magellan continues to be box office, especially now the charismatic one is back at, um, somebody’s desk at the firm. When Douglass, who underwent a high-profile marriage break-up last year, offloaded $118 million of his Magellan shares in November, the market was told it was because of “family diversification”. We would have been proud of that one.
Qantas had such a bad year, the national carrier’s CEO Alan Joyce started hitching rides on Albanese’s private plane instead. And Gina Rinehart emerged from her crypt somewhere beneath the Pilbara to support her faves – Peter Dutton and Jacinta Price.
As ever, it was a busy time for former residents of the Lodge. Julia Gillard remains beloved in a way she never was as PM, with a sold-out stage show, and a last-minute star appearance on the Labor campaign trail.
Tony Abbott has words for anyone who’ll listen, from suburban Liberal branches, to dribbling neckbeards at the Conservative Political Action Conference. But strangely, he had no time for Queen Elizabeth II’s memorial, despite his avowed monarchist views.
Queen Elizabeth’s death in September sparked a month of mourn porn.Credit: Shakespeare
Her late majesty’s passing was a profound moment in history, followed by an unedifying, month-long orgy of mourn porn. Albo flew a mega entourage out to London to pay respects. And back home, monarchists and republicans both got down to business by fighting among each other.
One of the best arguments for a republic is NSW Governor Margaret Beazley, who was one of the last people to meet Lizzie while in the UK on a taxpayer-funded summer trip. Back home, the self-described human rights champion used her taxpayer-subsidised gothic revival mansion to play host to a contingent of Saudi officials.
Sticking with NSW, a smoking on the basketball court by Nick Kyrgios set the tone for Dominic Perrottet’s year. The NSW Liberals were already bruised and divided enough before the whole John Barilaro trade commissioner scandal unravelled, which brought a potential end of the road for Australia’s very own Aldi-brand Underwoods, Marise Payne and Stuart Ayres.
NSW Premier Dominic Perrottet has a shot blocked by tennis star Nick Kyrgios.Credit: Getty
Gladys Berejiklian is probably relieved she got out when she did. Even as things went pear-shaped for her new employer, Optus, it’s been a cheery year on the home front– her barrister boo Arthur Moses just moved in next door. It was a less romantic year for former foreign minister Julie Bishop, dumped by her human Ken Doll boyfriend David Panton.
But whether 2022 brought you love, happiness or heartache, we can all agree things finally felt a little bit more normal. We’ll raise a glass to that. And we’ll be back for more mischief in the new year.