What is medium talk and how do you master it?

Being stuck in conversational purgatory with a new friend will be familiar to many of us. Trapped in a land of meaningless chit-chat about the weather or our weekends, we try to take the conversation to the next level but overshoot the mark by sharing an embarrassing story or painful memory.

It’s this land between humdrum and oversharing, hot air and trauma dumping, where conversation gold often lies but can be tricky to reach. There’s a term for this: medium talk, and it’s gaining traction in online communities like Reddit where users often ask how to make it.

But what exactly is medium talk? And why is it important?

Medium talk is a tricky, but important, level of conversation.Credit: Aresna Villanueva; iStock

What is medium talk?

Nick Enfield, Professor of Linguistics at The University of Sydney, says while the idea of medium talk does not feature prominently in scientific literature, it’s also not a new concept. The benefits of small talk are well known, Enfield says but most people have an aversion to it. Big talk, on the other hand (think topics like religion, money and politics), is not always socially appropriate and carries a greater level of risk.

“[Medium talk] says, well I’m not going to go into some sort of deep personal realm, but I also feel uncomfortable just having nothing substantial to say,” explains Enfield.

Jeffrey A. Hall, Director of the Relationships and Technology Lab at the University of Kansas, likens conversation to fishing. Each comment, question or story is a hook, and whether the other person takes the bait is up to them. And while casting that line is less risky than big talk, it still requires a leap of faith.

“I tend to take those risks often because I like finding the people who respond to what I am saying in interesting ways,” says Hall.

“Taking a risk of being nerdy or caring too much or getting excited about something or being too honest is what mid-talk is all about.”

Why is medium talk important?

For Enfield, this idea of medium talk illustrates a modern dilemma.

“For most people nowadays, we’re living in a society that is so large that every day, all the time, we’re meeting complete strangers.

“So we’re trying to navigate that and figure out, ‘Well, OK, I don’t actually have an established relationship with this person, we don’t have any common ground, so how do I talk to them?’”

Mastering medium talk then, while tricky, is central to how we connect with one another in our increasingly fragmented world.

And since medium talk is more personal, it can also be a bridge to friendship.

“Sixty years of research has found that self-disclosing more personal information is more pleasing – we like people more who we self-disclose to and more self-disclosure tends to make us like others more,” says Hall.

Obviously, this only matters if the other person takes the bait – so “mid-talk has the potential to accelerate making friends through conversation”.

In a study on the hours required to make a new friend, co-authored by Hall, joking around, catching up and meaningful discussion were all found to accelerate the process.

But this doesn’t mean we should discount small talk. Hall, who has written about the idea of a “social biome” – the complex ecosystem of our interactions with others – says small talk plays an important role in nurturing it.

“Research suggests that it is a low social energy way to keep in touch with people who share your social space and share observations about a mutual reality,” he says.

“Small talk also conveys to the other person that they are worth talking to and are welcome in our shared space.”

How to make medium talk

Curiosity is key to medium talk – and to most good conversations for that matter.

“Find out what they know,” suggests Enfield, “and then you actually learn something from them.

“Everyone knows about something.”

And while most of us have a tendency to ramble on about ourselves, Enfield recommends avoiding long monologues.

Of course, the risk involved in disclosing more about ourselves can lead many of us to shy away from deeper conversations for fear of rejection.

But Hall says the pay-off is often worth the risk.

“Being a responsive and inquisitive conversational partner is the thing we have the most control over in conversation; we cannot control how someone else will respond to what we say,” says Hall.

“The good news is, people want to know more about someone who has been a good conversational partner to them. The social energy you put into others often comes back around in the end.”

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