‘Sorry I forgot to reply’: Why do I put off replying to text messages?

Receiving a text message can be a love-hate sort of experience. It’s great to connect, but the pressure to reply can be one of those micro-anxieties we face every day. It doesn’t matter how benign the message may be, some of us (*puts hand up*) look at it and decide not to reply straight away, that we’ll do it later.

But sometimes that later never arrives. “Some people get to the point where they avoid, avoid, avoid, and then it’s too late to respond,” says Sydney-based clinical psychologist Dr Mikaela Tracy. “So you adopt this procrastination cycle where responding actually becomes too much pressure.”

Being overwhelmed or having a bad mental health day are some of the reasons we don’t text back.Credit: Getty

There can be many reasons why some of us don’t reply immediately. We can be feeling overwhelmed by our various inboxes, or having a bad mental health day, or perhaps we overthink what we should write, making something simple into a daunting, epic task.

Dr Sharon Horwood, senior lecturer at Deakin University’s School of Psychology, says how we respond can also be generational. “Gen X and Boomers will have nostalgic memories of a time where no one could contact you if you left the house or work, and so some resistance to the idea of being contactable 24/7 is probably inevitable,” she explains. “Conversely, Millennials and Gen Z have probably only ever known life with a smartphone and might feel like responding quickly to messages is completely normal.”

So for those of us feeling instant message burnout, what can we do about it?

Ditch the read receipts

These small alerts telling the sender we’ve opened their digital missive can be a stress in themselves. “Many people avoid reading messages so as not to ‘start the clock’ on when a reply might be expected,” explains Horwood. Luckily, many apps allow you to disable the notifications.

“This is a really easy way to relieve some of the social pressure to reply to a message as soon as you have read it,” she adds.

Put your feelings out there

Don’t be afraid to share with others how overwhelmed you can be. Own it. “One of the best things you can do is talk to your family and friends about expectations around messages,” Horwood says. “Having a collective understanding that not replying to every message within a few minutes doesn’t mean you are ignoring the person or angry with them, can make communication much, much easier.”

Audit your screen time

For Tracy, message anxiety can be a symptom of a wider issue – namely the amount of time you spend scrolling. “Some people, they don’t respond to messages but they have a really high screen time. So monitor that. Check, is this something I can do without? Is it affecting my life?” In other words, constant checking of social media, even though it seems innocuous, may be contributing to feeling overwhelmed. Getting a handle on it may help you have a better relationship with messaging.

Designate specific times for texting

Move against the constantly on trend and decide when you can and can’t respond to messages. We often don’t realise we can be the ones having a say as to when we reply. “Having dedicated time where you’re not responding to messages, or time you are responding to messages, is really important,” says Tracy.

Consider muting group chats or even stepping back from the phone for a moment and going tech-free.Credit: Getty Images

Be discerning with group chats

While group chats are a great way to keep in touch with many people at once, they can be one of the big contributors to instant-message overload. The mute option can be your best friend, and then dive in when you choose to. If they’re still causing you to want to tear your hair out, however, just walk away, advises Horwood. “You don’t owe anyone an explanation but you do owe yourself plenty of self-care.”

Show tech who’s boss

While some circumstances may require us to be contactable, we probably have more time to go tech-free than we think. For instance, we often don’t think twice about switching off when we go see a movie or a theatre show. Think about leaning into that a bit more. “One of the things we need to work on is feeling empowered to decide when and where we can be contacted, and unapologetically use technology in a way that works for us rather than for everyone around us,” says Horwood.

With all the pressure to be the perfect employee, partner or friend, we lose sight of taking care of the person in the centre of all that, says Tracy. “We do work, we do friendships, before we actually take care of ourselves.”

So if your message alert has you gasping whenever it pings, step back from that little rectangular device for a moment. Some small changes can restore your settings to a much happier mode.

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