‘It would be weird if she left’: The pleasure and pain of adult kids at home

“It will take a stick of dynamite to get me out of my parents’ house,” Matthew McConaughey famously says in the 2006 film, Failure to Launch. And while his man-child character was played for laughs, staying in the family home long into adulthood is no longer a far-fetched Hollywood plot.

As many as 50 per cent of 18 to 29-year-olds are living at home with their parents, according to the latest Household, Income and Labour Dynamics (HILDA) survey by Melbourne University’s Melbourne Institute.

And it’s not just the cost of living keeping the generations under the same roof.

Mikaela Binns-Rorke, 21, and her mum, Natalie Binns are happy living under the same roof in the family home at Menai.Credit: Sam Mooy

Demographers claim the milestones of adulthood – graduating higher education, marrying and having children – are now happening later in life. Add to this the financial strain that comes from the rising cost of housing and you find children are entering adulthood, but staying put.

For those who have experienced the “under my roof” lecture, the potential intergenerational tension is real.

Mikaela Binns-Rorke, 21 lives at home board-free with her mum, Natalie Binns, and her mum’s partner, Jim Shields. The young actor is responsible for keeping her room, bathroom and living area clean and tidy and she helps out on household chores whenever she can.

“I often have to remind her about this side of the arrangement,” says Binns. “She has witnessed her friends in share housing and that has been an eye-opener for her with all the expenses; I think she knows she has it pretty good here.”

Chief executive of Relationships Australia NSW, Elisabeth Shaw, says the organisation is seeing a growing number of family groups seeking guidance around young adults living at home. She says there are ways to reduce the household tension, or eliminate it altogether.

“It all comes down to expectations on both sides,” Shaw says. “Some parents really do have a shift in mindset when their children leave school; they want them to be independent, contribute more around the house, pick up after themselves, but don’t necessarily communicate that.

“Then you have the young person who wants to be recognised for being older and not being treated like a child but may not be stepping up. You end up with a situation where parents are constantly pulling rank and kids get stuck in teenage rebellion well into their 20s.”

It’s important, she says, to have conversations around the transition, especially in terms of expectations on both sides.

“And they are conversations that need to be revisited at different life stages, like graduating university or getting a new job. But don’t leave it to presumption because then real resentment can grow on both sides.”

Financial contributions, household chores and social behaviour, like having parties at home, checking in when you’re out late and whether partners are allowed to stay the night are common sticking points, says Shaw.

Grieve when they leave

While society – or Hollywood – may like to play up this scenario as problematic, it is often a positive way for the generations to stay connected, says Australian Psychological Society chief executive, Zena Burgess.

“Many people I speak to like having their adult children at home and grieve when they leave,” says Burgess, whose 25 and 30-year-old sons live under her roof. “The main triggers are around negotiating new ground rules, and that could mean a different level of communication, somewhat like you would have in a share house situation.”

Burgess highlights three options all intergenerational families should consider:

• Meetings – having meetings adult-to-adult are essential, but not in the home; choose a location like a pub or the park. Revisit discussions quarterly or bi-annually.
• Boundaries – be clear about each person’s personal boundaries, like staying out of each other’s bedrooms, if that’s important.
• Cashless – use electronic transfers wherever possible, exchanging cash can be awkward for both parties.

To pay, or not to pay

Finances can be one of the biggest transition roadblocks as your child moves from being a senior school student to an adult. Every family has their own way of dealing with paying board – whether to charge any, how much is appropriate and how often it’s paid.

Personal finance expert, Betsy Westcott, is all for adult children making a contribution to the running of the household because it can help encourage financial independence.

“It’s really important to charge board, even a nominal amount, in order to teach financial responsibility and reinforce independence,” says Westcott, founder of financial coaching platform, Inner Money Journey. “I’ve heard of some parents even putting that money into an account for their child, but either way, it’s an important life lesson.

“What is also important is that parents don’t let [their] love [for their children] result in sacrificing their own wellbeing. I’ve heard of parents not paying off their home before they retire or even stopping retirement contributions in order to support their adult children.”

Demographer Mark McCrindle says the social implications of adults staying longer in the family home can be far reaching.

“A lot of those homes that would have been empty-nester detached homes that would be on the market are not, and that causes housing inefficiency,” McCrindle says.

“[Staying in the family home] can also impair the independence of these young adults and may make them ask ‘What am I doing with my life?’ It can be part of that whole ‘quarter life crisis’.

“But on the positives, it’s the ultimate intergenerational connection. We talk about intergenerational conflict, but this is an example of how the generations are connecting and learning and sharing.”

For Binns, having her daughter under her roof has its benefits.

“To be honest, while I do the bulk of the housework and all the cooking, I can’t imagine Mikaela not being around,” she says. “It was just the two of us for so long, it would be weird if she left. And I enjoy when her friends are around. It might be a cliché, but I feel it keeps me young.”

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