I went to grandparenting school and some of it was confronting

In a hint of what’s to come, we are spending our Friday night indoors with a big responsibility. There’s about a dozen of us and we have all been told to sit in the front row. Between every two chairs is a mysterious black suitcase.

This is the Grandparents Information Session at the Parent Education Centre, RPA Women and Babies in Sydney’s Camperdown. I’m calling it the School of Rock, as in rock that baby from side to side in case it needs settling. You will be doing a lot of that. A lot.

It is the same story with many of our friends. Their kids are relying more heavily on them to help with their children when childcare fees and waiting lists are both high. Credit: iStock

The midwife taking the class, Jacquie, makes it clear that since our children were born, grandparents have taken a much bigger role. She says they take up a lot of the childcare load and her views are backed by the research. The Australian Institute of Health and Welfare’s 2015 tells me all families in all forms of employment are more likely to use grandparents for informal care than other types of care.

That’s why we are all here. We can see what’s happening to our friends and we want to be prepared. Why else would you give up your usual Friday night fun? As the impending grandma next door to me asks, quietly: “I suppose a glass of wine is out of the question?”*

When Jacquie mentions the load grandparents take, a little ripple goes around the room. Some of us are still working full-time and have little flexibility but all of us want to contribute. Then she says that grandparent-carers are the new poor. When she asks what we think she means by that, as one we answer: we won’t get paid.

We can see what’s happening to our friends and we want to be prepared.

We know, from our friendships, that grandparents provide so much unpaid care, some doing it five days a week. The AIHW estimates that it’s nearly a third of both working couple families and working one-parent families and the National Centre for Social and Economic Modelling (NATSEM) has indicated the demand for child care has increased by 77 per cent since 1996. Grandparents providing most of the additional care required.

There are a lot of prospective grandfathers in the room too. Lyn Craig, professor of sociology at the University of Melbourne and a contributor to Grandparenting Practices Around the World, published this year, says grandfathers are doing much more than they used to, particularly doing a lot of the ferrying around. They are less constrained than their sons and their sons-in-law. Craig’s also observed the way in which childcare is being transferred between generations of women.

“It’s a possible solution for a short time but it’s not an ongoing solution for how a nation can and should support its childcare effort,” she says.

Craig reminds me that childcare in Australia costs about five times as much as the European average: “It’s hard to get and unaffordable.”

Whereas grandparents? No waiting list. No hideous fees. Educator Jacquie does us all a favour by giving us the heads-up if we weren’t prepared already for the impending change in our lives. She is here to get us ready. The session is three hours long and at the end, we will be certified impending grandparents. Not exactly but more prepared than we were at 5.59pm.

What happens at grandie school?

So much about birth. Too much. None of us is going to the births of our grandchildren and most of us remember childbirth vividly. She goes around the room asking the women about our experiences. It’s about a 50 per cent caesarean rate, which is more than the going rate at RPA right now, about one-third. Some of the class has conveniently erased any birth memories or at least refused to share. Not me. I’ve got receipts and a chronic desire to overshare birth stories, 30 years after the last delivery.

Episiotomies are back in. Oh god. See item 1. This was on a need to know basis and not a single person in the room needed to know about episiotomies. We all gave birth in the days when it was acceptable to tear from pillar to post or their anatomical equivalents.

A lot has changed in parenting, including how you put babies to sleep safely. Where once we wrapped them up like tiny dolls and put them onto their fronts, now babies are put to sleep on their backs. Under no circumstances should you drink or smoke and baby. In particular, do not bring the baby to bed with you. Yes we all did it and we wonder how our own children survived but this is all evidence-based and we take notes. The brochures from rednose.com.au are terrific and so is Jacquie’s explanation.

The advice back in the day was all about getting babies to sleep.

That’s still important but “babies cry for a reason”. Food, cuddles, nappy changes etc. The black suitcase coughs up its contents. A little jointed baby snuggled into sponge. We have a go at modern day wrapping. Several of us have forgotten we need to support the heads of tiny infants. Jacquie reminds us. Firmly.

Keep an eye out for post-natal depression. We nod wisely.

Finally, here is the real reason we are all here. Be a support to your children. Don’t tell them how to parent. Especially not along the lines of, “You are doing this all wrong.”

Which is great because even after years of practice, who knows whether we got it right first time.

Jenna Price is an impending grandparent with a doctorate in political sociology. Not that a PhD will help.