A shortcut for strengthening your relationships and feeling more joy

It’s easy to get swept up in superficial chit-chat. From commenting on the weather to exchanging niceties, we can walk away from such interactions having gained very little.

More meaningful conversations, on the other hand, can strengthen our relationships, says psychologist Clare Mann, author of Communicate: How to Say What Needs to be Said, When it Needs to be Said, in the Way it Needs to be Said. They can also bring us joy. “All the studies ever done on happiness show that one of the most important factors [that lead to happiness] is the ability to be understood,” Mann says.

You may also be surprised at how willing people are to open up and share their vulnerabilities with you, says mental wellbeing consultant Julie Gillespie.Credit: iStock

While 48-year-old mental wellbeing consultant Julie Gillespie is more than willing to dabble in light chinwagging, she thrives on having more meaningful discussions. She says talking about deeper topics – such as our fears, hopes, dreams and vulnerabilities – is what makes us feel connected to others. It can also help us re-evaluate our life’s direction and empower us to take the steps needed to improve ourselves. And yet, she says, most people fear wading into such territory.

Mann agrees, saying people often avoid diving into deeper topics because of a fear of conflict (for example, when discussing politics), getting “pushback” (for “out-there” ideas) or they simply feel self-conscious when revealing their vulnerabilities.

People also shy away from asking others if they’re okay when they notice they’re struggling or grieving, says Gillespie. Instead, she says it’s common to take a step back out of fear they can’t fix their problems. But she adds we shouldn’t let our own fears about not being able to help someone stand in the way of offering support.

That doesn’t mean we should push or probe. Instead, Mann recommends approaching a loved one if they seem out of sorts: “It could be something like, ‘Hey, I’ve noticed you seem a little bit down. Maybe I’m out of line, but can we have a quick chat about this?’ ”

Treading lightly and seeking permission gives the other person a choice as to whether they wish to go deeper with you, says Mann, while reducing their impulse to be defensive.

You don’t have to know what to say during such conversations, and it’s more than okay to admit that, she adds. “Just being honest and going, ‘I don’t know what to say at the moment but I’m here for you,’ shows empathy.” Just be sure to steer clear of empty platitudes, though. While people often try to come up with silver linings to make others feel better, Mann says such sentiments are more likely to make people feel unheard.

Instead of trying to find an answer or make someone feel better, Mann says it’s best to engage in active listening, allowing the other person to voice their concerns. Asking follow-up questions can then give them a chance to go deeper if they want.

Once you get into the habit of having more meaningful conversations, Gillespie says, your relationships are likely to thrive. She says she’s made new friends by initiating conversations that have snowballed into deeper chats.

You may also be surprised at how willing people are to open up and share their vulnerabilities with you, Gillespie adds. Whenever she approaches a loved one after noticing a change in their behaviour, she sees their relief: “They go, ‘Yeah, actually there has been a few things going on. Thanks for noticing.’ ”

Evelyn Lewin is a qualified GP and freelance writer.

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