The Bible specifies that Sunday is the day of rest, but every week MasterChef disobeys God, and this week is no exception. Thanks to her saucy skills, Sumeet is the only one allowed to obey the divine rules, but the rest of the field must today fight it out to avoid elimination. Even more excitingly, those who survive will be in the top ten, one of MasterChef’s most meaningless achievements.

The amateurs arrive at the kitchen to find their challenge hidden by a huge curtain, symbolic of the veil of mystery that hangs over all who dare to essay this arcane art known as “cooking”. Andy explains to them that everyone loves meat. Jean-Christophe mentions that he, personally, thinks meat is great. Everyone agrees that meat is the best. “We’ve got a juicy twist for you,” says Andy rather disgustingly. The curtain draws back to reveal…

No meat at all! Well played, M. Night Shyamalan. There are tables full of fruit and vegetables before them. The task is to cook a delicious vegetarian dish, or, as that is technically impossible, to cook a vegetarian dish that doesn’t make the eater clinically depressed. Even worse, there are no eggs or butter or cream, meaning that the amateurs have not just been deprived of meat, but of the best three things in the world that aren’t meat.

The judges meet to mock the amateurs’ pain. Sofia declares her hatred of cauliflower steaks. Poh says “umami” to fulfil her contractual obligation to say it at least once a day.

Sav is feeling very confident, because she is Sav and finds it impossible to shake the feeling she is inherently a better person than everyone else. She is making a shepherd’s pie with jackfruit, which obviously is awful, but it’s a vegetarian challenge, so it’s not like making something not-awful is an option. “Flavour is my game and my name,” says Sav, but she is lying: her name is Sav.

Sofia declares her hatred of cauliflower steaks. Poh says “umami” to fulfil her contractual obligation to say it at least once a day.

Darrsh reveals he has an advantage, as he dated a vegan for three years. It’s uncertain if he mentions this as a comment on his strategy, or as an attempt to win the judges’ sympathy. He is taking inspiration from fried chicken and waffles – not by leaving immediately and going out for dinner, but by cooking vegetables. Meanwhile Australian Josh admits that he is a butcher and “plants don’t work for me” – he finds it almost impossible to cook anything which has never felt pain. He’s making a beetroot burger, so it looks like he’s given up on life entirely.

Every amateur knuckles down and gets to work making silk purses out of sow’s ears – or rather, not out of sow’s ears, which is the whole problem. It’s Nat’s first cook without an immunity pin, which has stressed her out so much she’s talking too fast for humans to understand. She’s cooking mushrooms or asparagus or daffodils or something. Elsewhere, American Josh is making a steak out of carrots, which is ground for sectioning under the Mental Health Act. Andy and Jean-Christophe tell him he’s an idiot, but Josh is not taking any advice from men who don’t even have the guts to grow a gigantic moustache.

Tension is high. Sav begins smoking her potatoes, and who can blame her: you need something to steady your nerves, right? “Today’s a plant-based challenge, but there’s a lot at STEAK!” Darrsh cackles, proving he’s spent far too much time with Alex. Australian Josh is fixated on proving his bread rolls, not realising the existence of bread rolls was established by scientists centuries ago. Sofia and Poh visit his bench to inform him that it’s literally impossible to make vegetables taste like meat and the entire challenge is a farce. Energised by the new knowledge that nothing in life matters, Josh attacks his beets with the vigour of
the truly nihilistic, repeating “umami”, a word he just learnt today, over and over in joyous delirium. From the balcony, Sumeet calls “Go Josh”, but doesn’t specify which one, sparking a brawl on the floor.

Darrsh takes out his waffles and declares himself happy with his hot maple, and you’ve got to wonder whether, if Darrsh were less handsome, that sentence would sound less sexual. Harry is even happier with his seafood-based dish, with ingredients all taken directly out of a fish’s stomach. “They taste like tuna!” he giggles, inexplicably believing this to be a good thing.

Meanwhile Sav is feeling good, solemnly promising us all that she is very smart, and proving it by irretrievably burning her spice mix. “I cannot be the Sri Lankan who goes home because I burnt my spices,” she says, but I think she’s underselling herself – she can do anything!

The challenge ends, and with a funereal air of grim inevitability, the judges brace themselves for the nightmare of tasting. Darrsh is confident. Australian Josh is uncertain, but is still saying “umami” so hopefully that helps. American Josh is happy, but he’s serving a carrot steak, so where that happiness comes from god only knows.

Sav serves her shepherd’s pie with jackfruit and severely burnt spices. It is tiny and miserable. The judges love it. Australian Josh serves his beetroot burgers, saying “umami” once more for luck. He’s scared, but he shouldn’t be: he’s not the one who has to eat it. The burgers are slimy and gross. The judges hate them. Sofia says “umami” regretfully. Poh agrees that in the end, umami. American Josh serves his carrot steak with carrot jus. It is skin- crawlingly nasty. The judges hate it. “I don’t think it’s the right dish for this challenge,” says
Andy – a carrot steak would ideally have been served during a cheese souffle challenge.

Darrsh serves his fried chicken that is actually fried mushrooms with waffles that aren’t really waffles. It’s a grotesque parody of food. The judges love it. “The thought of meat didn’t even enter my mind,” says Poh, which is weird because she then says how much like chicken it was.

The bit players of the episode – Gill, Alex, Mimi, Lachlan and Harry – serve their bits. They are both repulsive and forgettable. Finally, here is Nat, with her deep fried mushrooms. It’s pretty nauseating, but it has the one quality that the judges most value in a dish: it was cooked by Nat.

In the end, the judges have myriad options when it comes to punishing failure, but although Australian Josh’s beet burgers were indeed a crime against nature, American Josh’s carrot steak is deemed more unforgivably offensive to decent humans. Thus, in a stunning blow against US cultural hegemony, American Josh goes home. The top ten is thus set in stone: Australian Josh, Sumeet, Sav, Mimi, Darrsh, Harry, Lachlan, Nat, Alex and Gill. Everyone agrees that vegan food is inherently wrong and makes a pact never to make it ever again, sealing the promise with the solemn word of power, “umami”.

Tune in on Wednesday, when MasterChef features actual food again.