After Hong Kong Week, during which experts estimate the amateurs undertook between 500 and 1000 immunity challenges, it is finally time to return to the savage bloodsport that MasterChef fans crave. It’s elimination day, and more dead wood is about to be cut away.

Even better, it’s perennial favourite, the time auction, in which the contestants must bid for the ingredients they want, using time – the more value they put on an item, the less time they’ll have to cook it.

Josh pulls a surprise by revealing that he used to be an auctioneer, hoping that this will convince the judges to let him run the auction instead of having to participate. He makes the tactical mistake of then demonstrating his auctioneering technique, spouting rapid-fire gibberish that immediately turns the audience against him.

The auction gets moving at a cracking pace. Harry cleverly bids on the duck, even though it’s not technically a fish, to drive up Josh’s price, and it works, with Josh spending 45 minutes on it. Harry then lashes out, giving up 65 of his 120 minutes for Led Zeppelin’s favourite protein, red snapper. The more cunning Sav keeps her powder dry, letting Lachie snap up lamb mince for just five minutes. Like the man whose wife thought she was a chicken, Sav needs the eggs, and she gets them for free.

Lachie snaps up root vegetables – he is planning a very rude dish – for 25 minutes, and a fierce bidding way breaks out over alliums, every amateur desperate to find out what an allium is. Harry spends another 30 minutes for the alliums, safe in the knowledge that this still leaves him 35 minutes, which is why it comes as such a shock to him to find out that a) it only leaves him 25 minutes and b) he is very bad at maths. Sav takes nightshades, and Josh gets fruit, which must be a terrible blow.

Finally, “pantry items” – things like empty Vegemite jars and mouse droppings – are sold. Sav pumps 50 minutes into “flavour bombs”, which are like bath bombs but smell worse. Lachie only has to spend 10 minutes on herbs because herbs suck, and Harry, having overspent, watches helplessly as Josh gets spices for five minutes, leaving Harry with grains, which are about as much use as cardboard.

Lachie starts cooking first, with 80 minutes on the clock. Jean-Christophe asks if he thinks his lamb will be seasoned enough. Lachie says he hopes it is. That is not what Jean-Christophe asked, but he doesn’t press the issue, proving why he will never get to host Insiders. Josh begins cooking next, with 65 minutes to combine the delicious delicacy that is duck with God’s greatest mistake: fruit.

He decides to make “duck two ways”, crossing his fingers that at least one of those ways is “edible”. Andy, sensing that Josh might be on the verge of developing confidence, quickly nips it in the bud, running to his bench to let him
know that cooking duck and fruit is incredibly difficult and failure almost certain. Josh thanks him for his assistance.

Sav begins with her eggs, fretting that 45 minutes might not be long enough for them to hatch. She declares that she doesn’t want to be in her comfort zone, because anyone who’s in their comfort zone at this stage of the competition doesn’t deserve to be there. Anyone who is in their comfort zone might say that it’s actually the one contestant who has been eliminated once already who doesn’t deserve to be there, but hey.

Finally Harry begins. He has 25 minutes to make something good out of red snapper, alliums and grains, meaning he has very little time to think about how impossible this is. Although it’s a huge challenge, it’s made much easier by Andy and Sofia soaking up five minutes in useless conversation. He tells the judges that he plans to egg wash the fish. The judges remind him he doesn’t have any eggs – Sav has the eggs. The possibility that Harry was unconscious for the first half of this episode has become very real.

With 15 minutes to go, things are getting frantic. Josh strained his sauce but after a session of physio is back on deck. Sav tastes her tomato broth and finds it tastes like tomato. She takes a moment to recover from the shock, before putting her egg in the oven and – the most important part of any cook – praying. Meanwhile Lachie has made smoked beetroot dip, proving beyond all doubt that he had too much time on his hands.

Harry, having been prevented from egg washing and only briefly considered setting off a fire alarm and running, has recalled the lessons of Charlotte’s Web and turned to buttermilk as the answer. Meanwhile Sav is waiting for her egg to cook, finally understanding what it’s like to be a chicken. She’s worried about whether her ingredients will blend well together, but admits, “I made my bed”, which seems like a bit of a waste of time in such a high pressure situation. Elsewhere, Lachie declares that his beetroot puree tastes great, so he’s just falling back on blatant lies.

Time is up. We are about to find out whether great food comes from lengthy meticulous preparation, or from completely failing to understand the parameters of the task. Sav serves first. “If I’m going to go home, I want to go home
showing versatility,” she says, but of course if she goes home it will be because she failed to show versatility. Do ANY of these contestants understand this show’s format? Her dish is called “egg and tomato” and looks like some cheese and pickles left over after a drunken book club meeting. To give it that extra kick, there’s some dirty water to pour over it. The judges love it because it’s weird.

Josh serves his duck and pear confection. “I think it looks lovely,” says Poh, gazing rapturously into his eyes. The dish is fabulous, and Andy must once again concede defeat in his attempt to crush an amateur’s will. Sofia confesses that she doesn’t know the difference between pears and potatoes, such is the effect of Josh’s cooking on the brain.

Lachie serves lamb kofta and horrible vegetables. The judges are uncertain. “It feels like two different dishes,” says Andy, who needs new glasses. Lachie’s elements don’t go together, his carrots clash with his beetroots, and he is the laughingstock of haute couture.

Harry brings forth his semolina snapper, which only took 25 minutes to cook but looks like it’s been sitting on a deserted galleon for fifty years. Despite appearances, the judges rave about how incredibly foodlike Harry’s dish is.

Judgment day has arrived, and Poh tells the amateurs that they’ve all done very well, before Sofia tells them that in one case, “doing very well” is a euphemism for “failing miserably”, and that case is Lachie. He takes his leave, looking forward to what comes next (giving an interview to camera about what just happened, to be edited into the episode in between cooking footage).

And so we have learnt many things today: we have learnt that it only takes 25 minutes to make a great dish and taking any longer is stupid; we have learnt that the worse food looks, the better it tastes; and we have learnt that being a great cook requires neither adequate listening skills, nor a grasp of basic arithmetic. Which is good news for us all, isn’t it?