Kiss my Hass: Why Shepards are the superior avocado

I’ve recently become aware of an alarmingly widespread agenda against the humble Shepard avocado. With the popular – and dominant – Hass variety currently out of season, shoppers have been “stuck” with Shepard avocados, and they’re not exactly quiet about how much they hate it.

Well, you know what I hate? Hass.

There. I said it.

It’s time to embrace smooth and buttery Shepard avocados.

Sure, they’re delicious … for a very specific window of about 12 minutes on the eighth day after they’ve been picked – when the sun is at its highest, the moon is full, the stars are aligned, and Mercury is in Venus. Or something. Outside that mystical window, the dark, bumpy avocado is either rock hard or too rotten – a slushy, brown, stringy, disgusting mess. Take away the H, and you’re left with exactly what they taste like.

Don’t get me wrong, I do like Hass. They have their place. It just happens to be below Shepard.

With their smooth, sleek green skin and bright, buttery flesh, Shepard avocados are delectable and easy to eat. You can enjoy them sliced up for avo on toast, open melts, sandwiches – basically any combination of avo and bread you can think of (don’t let the Hass “smashed” propaganda fool you). And they’re not only good with bread. They’re also great in bowls. Poke bowls, nourish bowls, whatever kind of bowl you’re into, a Shepard is waiting to add creamy flavour and vibrant colour.

They’re even good for guacamole. You might not believe me – because, admittedly, Shepards can be hard to smash and mash. They can be hard, full stop. And that seems to be the number-one complaint people have about them.

If you are one of those people, I urge you to consider this one very important – and potentially existential crisis-inducing – fact: you are the problem. That’s right. The issue with Shepards isn’t the Shepards at all. It’s you. Pure user error. It’s not the Shepard’s fault that everyone’s too impatient to wait until it’s properly ripe. It’s not the Shepard’s fault people insist on cutting, peeling, and prodding before it’s ready. And it’s definitely not the Shepard’s fault that everyone expects it to behave like a Hass when it is, unapologetically, a Shepard.

After all, you know what else is terrible before it’s ripe? Hass. Sure, the speed at which they ripen caters perfectly to society’s addiction to instant gratification – but speed isn’t always a good thing. Hass is just as likely to go off before you’re even ready to open it as it is to bring you any satisfaction. Shepards, on the other hand, might make you wait. Might ask you to put in a little effort. But once they’re ready to be smashed, the rewards are bountiful. They’re worth the wait.

If you’re really impatient, you don’t even have to wait that long – you just need to know how to treat a Shepard right. Pop one in a fruit bowl next to a banana (or a few), and it’ll ripen in no time. It’s something to do with gas – basically, banana farts. And if you’re really impatient and can’t even be bothered to do that? Well, you can always peel a Shepard and munch on it like some kind of weird, dark pear. Yes, I’ve done this. No, it wasn’t my favourite way to eat an avocado. But it was still a way. I mean, they’re called “alligator pears” for a reason, right?

But the best part about Shepards? Unlike Hass, they never go brown. If you’re the kind of person who meal preps, you can slice that baby up early and it’ll still have a healthy green glow come lunchtime or leftovers. Or, if you’re the kind of person who, like me, probably has undiagnosed ADHD, and cuts into an avo, uses half, tosses the rest in the fridge to “eat later,” only to forget about it for, say, three solid days … great news! It’s STILL NOT BROWN. Sure, it might have developed a bit of a firm crust on top, but scrape that off and your Shepard is good as new. Maybe even better.

Also, not to get all political, but did you know that Hass avocados hail from the United States, while Shepards are a home-grown, true-blue Aussie variety? I’m not usually one for patriotism, but I’m even less for American imperialism … so really, preferring Shepards over Hass is basically a civic duty.

Despite all of this flawless and solid-as-an-unripe-Shepard logic, you might still believe you love Hass best. It’s OK. It’s not your fault you’ve been brainwashed by the big Hass agenda. You’re just doing avocado wrong, is all.

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